Dear Anita,

Thank you for reminding me how healing is important, I know and  I try to focus on my well being more now. Also thank you for responding, you know how much I value your opinion.

Dear Shreya – yes, I try to always be aware of those thoughts, to not be afraid of them. In the past  I was often scared and overwhelmed with those thoughts and emotions, I still am afraid but I learned they never go away and I need to face them so that they lose their power a little bit. And they often do. Thank you for recommending the application, I will definitely look at it.

so I fucked this up again. I don’t have a safe place except this forum here so I’m here. After first time we met he started texting me how he’s infatuated with me and how beautiful I am etc. He said he wants to be mine, and I can be forever in his life etc etc. It felt a bit overwhelming because we met literally for an hour but it was nice. He was acting like he wants to be in a relationship with me after this one time, well, maybe that’s okay maybe sometimes you just feel this and know this. I felt this once too in the past that “this is the one” so.. We met after this three times and once he literally begged me to stay for the night, I didn’t want to because I  didn’t bring anything and didn’t feed my cat, so I said maybe next time, but he insisted, held my hand, went so sad and made me feel so guilty. he said it’s important and he has a bad day and he REALLY needs me to stay. I didn’t, I got a bit scared, maybe I didn’t have compassion and feeling, and didn’t understand him, I dont know. I told him once I feel a bit overwhelmed and it’s happening too fast for me, and that I want to see him but I want to slow down with saying things like that. He wanted to meet everyday, I got scared. Once I went dancing with friends and he texted me he cant sleep until I’m home safe. it was nice but also a bit overwhelming to me. Another time we were at his place and we started kissing, I guess he wanted to have sex, I was a bit insecure but decided to do it. But then something happened and he said he cant. And I said it’s okay. and then it got weird, he started to apologize, said it was too much, he felt pressure for it to be perfect and just couldn’t. I again said it’s fine but it got weird, he just sat there and I didn’t know what to do, so I said I’m going home. Maybe I shouldn’t I don’t know, but I felt like it was my fault and he didn’t like me or he expected me to be different. He said it was his fault and apologized, so I guess I should have stayed, I don’t know.. We met on Saturday and I asked him what can I do so that he could relax more, he said just be there and chill, then he proposed a massage so I took off my t-shirt and one thing led to another. It was really nice day, we also talked and watched movies, I really liked it. I don’t know why I didn’t want to stay for the night again. I guess I was insecure, I was afraid it’s going on too fast. We started talking and from what he understood he said that I was afraid of commitment but had sex with him, and it felt like I came there just to have sex and I provoked him with taking off my t-shirt, which he didn’t ask me to do.  He said I wanted sex and I’m not capable of feeling anything or being in love, and that I didn’t want to hug or cuddle and we’re too different and it doesn’t feel right. Yesterday he texted me let’s just let it go for now and that he needs to sort out some things, it sounds like it’s over. I don’t know what I did, I guess it’s just I was being myself and a bit insecure, I also thought he wants this, I was afraid after this first time that if the sex is going to be a distaster he wouldn’t want me so I decided to do it so that he would like it. Seems like it was a mistake. I try to remain calm but I had a panic attack at night. It was terrible again. I didn’t even have the strength to fight it and to manage it again. Again. I can’t take it again, I feel like it is a big, big repeating nightmare. I can’t go through this again, in such a short time again to feel THAT WAY again. He kept saying he liked it but in a way that made me feel really humiliated. I really cannot take this I feel like I have to get it out of my head because I can’t take this again. I feel like I have to destroy my head and my face because it’s too much for me I really feel like I have to stop this

Yes Anita I agree. I know it would have been different if I stayed for the night. It wouldn’t look like I’m so independent, came to have sex and went home, because he told me it looked like this, and that’s why he doesn’t want me anymore. When I did this because I trusted him and thought it was serious. Everytime I went on a date with someone else I never wanted to do this, not before I trusted someone. And now it looks like I’m so relaxed when is comes to this when I’m really not. Why is this happening. Is this really true what he said that, I felt really humiliated. I know he told me he hates his dad and he hates men, and he’s different, emotional and has a good heart, he’s not like other guys. I believed him but I knew he has issues, and clearly issues he doesn’t even want to understand and resolve. I know that. I know it may be the reason, not only my fault. But I feel it’s my fault because he’s right I didn’t want to stay and went home, it may looked weird.

It’s okay I know it was all weird from the beginning, he put so much pressure, texted me everyday how he cares, how it’s going to be us together, going on vacations, how he will treat me like no one  ever did and how he’s going to show me I loved a wrong person in the past. He did treat me well, but he told me all this after we met once and then twice for a drink, nothing more. I knew it was too much. Yes the circumstances are the same, it was not so long ago that we met and I was doing really fine the day before I met him.

Dear Anita

I try to not blame myself that much. I feel like this huge change in him meant that it wasn’t real (his feelings after one day, almost being in love and then sudden huge dissapointment in me). He texted me he wants to take it slow “for now” and that he will “text me as soon as … ” but I don’t want him to text me anymore. I feel like it was too much of a rollercoaster and too confusing for me. I know it was my mistake too, not communicating. Trying to learn from it and not do it again, I guess, nothing more. Back to circumstances, my head hurts and I’m a bit afraid of panic at night but you’re right. I’ll try to get back with my thoughts to some time ago.

Thank you Anita.  I know. I feel better when it comes to this situation, I think I don’t want him anymore. It didn’t start well and didn’t end well and I don’t see any more chances for anything good here for me.  I’m just so angry I get those panic attacks, and I can’t control them, I’m so tired with dealing with it everytime. I’m afraid to fall asleep and that it never goes away.

Yes I have one, somewhere.

Anita thank you for responding and for making me feel better, not by “making me feel better”  and “hugging” me but by being honest and  logical, even when I do something wrong. that’s why I always believe you. Thank you for that and for your time and effort.

Yesterday was tough when he texted me this but I thought I was okay. Then I woke up in the middle of the night with this panic and since morning I have been feeling not so well. Today I’m less worried about him, it passed, I deleted his numer and couldn’t care less if he texts me or not, but panic attacks always stay with me. Situations and people go, this one stays no matter what.

Okay I’ll do it today.