Driven,

I’m sorry for the confusion and painfulness you’ve been through along your path, and know how disorienting it can be to find ourselves feeling betrayed. Sometimes we ask questions that we already know the answer to, and sometimes we ask the wrong questions. Your question of “how can I forgive her for breaking me?” lies somewhere in the middle. Perhaps a better question to ask would be “can I see her?”. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Our soul mates have a way of bringing to fruition our trials. There is a deep union that is shared, and within that union comes a powerful alchemy that brings us face to face with our most difficult challenges. It becomes so nourishing, so beautiful and powerful, that as it waxes and wanes brings about a lot of awakening. Said differently, when two hearts vibrate in tune, it produces a contrast with the difficult times that reveals just how far we sink. The sun shines and warms our spirit, then as the clouds come, we notice the chill very directly. Then it becomes our task to disperse the clouds, unlock the joy, and become the sun. In your instance, it seems you already have the keys in your heart, but something is in the way. This notion of betrayal seems to be the cloud in my opinion.

It arises from your false notion that your relationship was more important than her heart. This has made you selfish, and instead of seeing her and accepting her as she is, you judged her, branded her, and turned your back on her. This is normal, usual, and many people would have done the same thing. However, those were tangles in your mind, the clouds have never touched your heart, and the heart has a way of making itself known even when we are in pain. Said differently, when the sun receeded for you both, she looked for the warmth in unskillful places. A bottle, another’s bed, violence… her desire to regain what was lost pushing her in this direction and that. However, what you saw was not a hungry woman, seeking food in dumb ways… you saw a betrayer, an adulterer. Again, this is normal, and many would do the same.

This twisted action, however, this judge that sprung forward that made it all about you is what broke you… not her. Sure, she sought comfort and distraction in ways that were harmful for her, but that is sad for her. There she was, yearning for warmth and finding something small, empty… compared to what she has with you. Thats sad for her, because it perhaps leaves her a little lost and disoriented… suffering the results of her decisions. Its enough for it to rest on her side in such a way. Grabbing on to it and making it all about you is unnecessary, dear brother, and produces much complexity and painfulness in your own mind and body.

The question that seems much more helpful for your development along the path of love and light is not “can I forgive her” rather “can I forgive myself for turning my back on my love right as she needed me the most?”. There she was, hungry and bumbling, remembering the union but ignorant how to find it… and instead of welcoming her back with an open heart and arms, you turned away.

That being said, our life is not meant to be an endurance trial. If she finds authentic repentance, looking deep at what she did, why, and trying to grow so she does not make the same choices… then forgiveness shouldn’t even come up. There is nothing to forgive. We all make mistakes, and you have made some doozies in your day, know what I mean? However, that doesn’t mean that trust will just be there. Trust is difficult in many relationships, and is critical for the growth of an intimacy. It plausible that the conditions you two have been through have disrupted the potential for that trust to bloom. Or, its possible that as you resolve this “betrayal” tangle, you’ll be able to move on and find a new woman that steals your breath. Or, she may have closed her heart to you. Who knows. Remember that our garden grows from seed to blossom to fruit, so plant the seeds of the fruits you wish to have. Said differently, its OK to let go of those burdens you are carrying, brother, they only impede the whispers of your heart. That’s where all the magic comes from.

With warmth,
Matt