Hi,

This is a very touching story. Especially the part where you share that you would still marry Hart if she came around. It just goes to show that true love is unconditional. Its heartbreaking that she feels she can’t live her truth. But for whatever reason, its the path she has chosen and it must be respected. Everything she needs to learn in life will be a result of her choosing to take that path. I hope that one day she will come to a place of loving herself unconditionally. Until then, there’s nothing anyone in her life can do.

I’ve recently experienced a somewhat similar situation. I am a heterosexual woman who recently started dating a man I met over a year ago after we ran into each other at an event. We spent that first evening together talking and laughing until 3am. I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, physically or otherwise. But the next day, he text me that he couldn’t stop thinking about me and that he’d wanted to explore more. We quickly began dating, he told me he loved me, and took back me home to meet his family. His family was wonderful and accepting of me. However when we returned to our home city, I sensed a shift. I could tell that he was slowly distancing himself. Now since we’d begun dating, I’d asked him several times if he were gay. When I first met him over a year ago I assumed he was gay. Each time I asked him, he said no. But I couldn’t help but notice he wouldn’t introduce me to any of his friends, who are all gay and lesbian. Not one. I found that to be very interesting. He has a gay male best friend and a lesbian best friend and I’ve never met either of them. I haven’t even had the opportunity to see their social media profiles, as he keeps his friend list private. Shortly after we returned from meeting his family, we broke things off. I couldn’t deal with him being distant and moody. And he couldn’t deal with me wondering whether the dating was ever going to lead to something more serious.

However, shortly after we broke things off he began pursuing me again. Calling and texting more than he did when we were dating. We promised we’d remain friends if things didn’t work out romantically so I always respond when he reaches out. Turns out, the story he’s given his co-workers is that he and I are “taking things slowly”. And he recently asked me to take a vacation to Miami with him.

One day he called and it was obvious he wanted to see me so I invited him over. We ended up drinking, talking, and eventually things got physical. Without going to far into detail, I couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t get “excited” until I stimulated him in an area that is primarily focused upon by gay men. He immediately orgasmed (which he didn’t do very often before during intercourse) and I was at a loss for words. It was at that moment that I knew.

I distanced myself even more, but in the coming weeks he continued to reach out. I finally worked up the nerve yesterday to ask him why he was so turned on by what I did. He blamed it on the alcohol. I also asked him, in a joking manner, when he plans to come out of the closet. He denied being gay, once again, and quickly changed the subject.

Unfortunately, while we spoke, which was over Skype, I couldn’t help but fall in love with him all over again. I’ve never been as attracted to a man as I am attracted to him. And aside from thinking he may be homosexual, he’s everything I want in a man. I can’t believe that I even just said that. I sound like a textbook case. But I’m torn between maintaining a friendship with a man I have feelings for and can’t have and just cutting him off, which is something I have never done to any person.

Any comments, stories, responses are welcome 🙂

Hello Elle and Lavender. I couldn’t help but be reminded of my past romance reading your stories. I was with a man who grew apart from me. I kept fighting to make it work but he was slowly becoming noncommittal and reticent until we couldn’t cope. I learned when a person doesn’t fight for you, they don’t really want to be with you. Ultimately I find this is a good thing, even though it causes you grief the failed relationship teaches you valuable insights. As for them, they have probably grown closer to finding themselves through the ups and downs of your relationship, perhaps this was your gift to them.

Now I may have misread but it sounds like you both are, in your own way, still waiting or settling for these individuals. This seems unwise to me, life is too short to wait for someone to grow to love you. If they have issues with commitment that equates to a lack of self knowledge. Someone who does not know themselves cannot know what they truly desire, which means they cannot give you what you seek. I say let them go, do not seek them out and add to their confusion by trying to romance them or encouraging their misguided advances. (A fickle person trying to actualize the self via intimacy is not unusual, but it’s often disparaging for the cognizant party involved.) Both of you ladies sound like loving, giving people, find or wait for a kindred spirit. When you meet someone who makes you feel utterly wanted and appreciated you’ll wonder why you ever put up with anything else. There are over 6 billion people on earth, rest assured the odds of meeting that special someone are good, and you deserve to be with them.

Much love. 🙂