Dear Pedro:

At first she was very clear with you about what she feels and wants, and then she stopped being clear with you. Because she wasn’t clear with you, you started to over-think, wondering what is it that she feels and wants. Not knowing what she feels and wants confused you and caused you distress.

You now think that maybe her not being clear with you for so long is the reason you started thinking that you don’t love her, the reason behind your “Love Suddenly Gone”-

– did I understand correctly?

(I will be back to the computer in about three hours).

anita

Dear Pedro:

1. “She was always clear about how she felt about me, but at the beginning she was much more loved. Then it stopped being and it was only once in a while”-

-do you mean that she always told you that she is angry with you when she was angry at you?

-do you mean that at the beginning you showed her more love, then you stopped showing her that you love her?

2. “about a month ago it started to be a lot more than I was used to”- what is “it” (in bold)?

3. “Dating her was always a roller coaster ride, as if she was going to be in a good mood, if she was going to be cheeky, or if she was going to be upset with me” – did she change her mood/attitude a lot (not being stable, or dependable) and you didn’t know what to expect?

*Please answer these clearly, otherwise I will not be able to understand you and I will have to give up trying.

anita

Dear Pedro:

I will put together what you wrote about your experience with your girlfriend best I can, using your words from the 2 pages of your thread, with some grammatical corrections and editing, so to make your writing clear enough:

Minimally edited: “My girlfriend is complicated. Sometimes she is super cure, other times she seems upset. It’s random. My girlfriend wouldn’t say that she was upset, she just hardly spoke to me. Then on another day, everything was fine, it was random. At the beginning, she was in love with me, then she stopped being in love with me, and later she was in love with me only once in a while. A month ago, she started to be a lot more in love with me than I was used to: she told me that her life without me no longer makes sense, and it shocked me. It was then, and since then, that I lost my loving feeling for her.

Dating her was always a roller coaster ride: I didn’t know if she was going to be in a good mood, if she was going to be cheeky, or if she was going to be upset with me. She has many sudden mood swings at times. She hadn’t had much lately, but sometimes it was every week. I didn’t know what to expect. Sometimes I went to see her, and I thought to myself: how will she be today?”

My understanding today: your girlfriend is unpredictable. When you see her, you don’t know what to expect. She may express intense love for you, or .. no love at all, or she may be angry at you. It is scary to have a love relationship with someone who changes randomly, without reason, without understanding why.

Every time she changed, you felt some fear, but you continued to have a relationship with her. Over time, your fear added up, and when a month ago she expressed intense love for you, you had enough! It was as if a voice in your brain said:

I am not going on this rollercoaster again! She intensely loves me today, but what about tomorrow? She will probably not love me that much tomorrow, she will probably be upset with me, and I will not know why- just like before!

We humans need to have a sense of stability, predictability and control. If you can’t predict how she will feel/ behave, when how she feels and behaves has nothing to do with anything you say and do, you are out of control and it’s scary.

The solution your brain found was this:

I will no longer feel love for her. This way, I will not be afaid,  hurt, shocked and confused the next time she changes for no reason at all!

I think that your brain is wise for finding this solution. Your brain knows that a rollercoaster relationship is dangerous for you, so it wants you off the rollercoaster.

Just because you were in a relationship with this woman for a few years, doesn’t mean that you  have to be in a relationship with her for the rest of your life.

Better not marry her and have children with her, so that she will not take your children on a scary rollercoaster ride, not knowing when mommy will be upset next time. This will be a recipe for very anxious children!

I suggest that you end this relationship. Later  on, you can meet a predictable woman and go on a nice, calm ride with her, not a scary,  up and down rollercoaster ride.

anita