Phoenix,

I’m empthetic to your struggles, and can understand why sometimes we feel stuck, especially in the chatoic world of romance. On one hand, exs still make our pulse race, as memories of connection and warmth come up. We feel that love, wanting to embrace them, be close with them. Then, we begin to remember why we broke up in the first place, or remember that he has a girlfriend, and all the baggage of that. Whew! But that love is there, so what the heck! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that we sometimes think the other one, the partner is the source of that love. Like “he has my love, that’s just how it is”. Really though, your love is a gift you continue to give him. You do it automatically, seeing his smile, remembering his smells, his dance… and just surrender that gift to him. But the love has always been yours, glowing within, he helped inspire it perhaps with sweet songs and sights, but it’s always been your own light and love.

And, as happens far too often, he doesn’t know what he wants. Sex with you, while surely flattering, also means he cheats. But it was with you, so does that count? That’s between you and your heart, just be cautious if you want to keep exploring him. Either he doesn’t know what he wants, and is fumbling around betrayal and options (fairly common with guys) or he thinks more with his little head than his heart, and as they say “once a cheater…”. I usually see the former, but that’s between you and what you see. He may be worth waiting for, if, if, if. A lot of eggs going in that potential!

If you do wish to set him aside, move on, look for a different dance partner… then it’s time to take his pictures down off the walls, put them in a box, and toss it in long term storage. Any empty spots on the walls or dressers, put some flowers, some other parts of nature you find beautiful. Internally, we do this through self nurturing. We accept there are some holes in our heart, from removing the romantic dream with him, and fill them with beauty, space, reminders of our own light. Sometimes we can feel like pampering ourselves is self indulgent, as though we should just suck it up and get back to work. However, when we let go, be kind to ourselves, just relax and play… we regroup and refuel. When settling matters of the heart, the grief can be heavy, so extra nurturing is often needed.

Namaste, sister, may you find your love in hand.

With warmth,
Matt