It is very rare for me to fall for someone since I don’t care for how someone looks, or even personality type. I have never been in a relationship because I don’t like to “play the game” and I never found someone that I felt was right to be with. I wanted to be with someone who shares the same life goals, who wanted to share experiences. For a long time, I could not find someone like that and because of it I did not think I could love someone romantically, until now.
I met a guy in my class last semester, and I want to say it was love at first sight, but it was more along the lines that I felt like he was different. I started sitting next to him, and every day I learned something new about him. I found we shared many things in common, which was rare. But I was shy, and didn’t take the chance to talk to him as much as I should have. The semester ended, and I admit I was devastated on the last day when I believed it was likely I would never see him again. Even though I did not know him very well, I took it kind of poorly and I did not know why. I spent half of my winter break thinking about him.

The next semester came in and I wanted to hope we would share classes again, we didn’t. A month went by and I could not deny that it was time to forget him and move on. I felt like I wasn’t making in connections with people at my school, I was becoming a bit depressed moving to the city, so I joined my schools outdoor program, and took a cross country trip in hopes to meet people. It was the night before the trip, I had a huge dispute with the people at the dorms. I felt so disconnected and different from people in the city, and I broke down. For some reason, in my tears I wrote a note saying around the lines “if I could have one thing, could it be a friend who understands.”

The next day, I went in to go on my CC trip, and to my surprise, he was there. It just so happened that he started working at the outdoor program. I enjoyed that day we had on the CC trip, and because he was apart of the outdoor program I did a few more events even though he wasn’t apart of it. We ended going on a week long rock climbing trip and spent a lot of time together. I thought we made a good connection, I never met someone who was so much like me. For once, I felt like I belonged somewhere, partly because of the outdoor group where I met other friends but mostly, because of him. We exchanged numbers after the trip and I hoped from that day forward, we would spend time together and move to a strong friendship. I did develop new friendships with other wonderful people and I am now starting to work at the school’s outdoor program which I could not be anymore excited about. But I haven’t seen him lately. I have seen him maybe twice in person in the last month. I have tried to get a group together, and invited him, but he was busy both times. During the time I did not see him, I would go into phases of keeping my feelings strong because there is hope for us to get together, until I do not see him for weeks at a time and I believe I should let go. Then, he comes into my life just long enough to get me hoping again, to once again have nothing more happen.

I find this frustrating and I am starting to get to the point where I think that I am giving myself a false sense of perception.I think about him far too often than I should. He is the type of person I have been waiting for, someone who shares the same beliefs and interests, who is caring, adventurous and brave. I desperately want someone like him in my life and I want to be apart of his life, but I am not. I wish I could say he likes me the same way, but the fact that he hasn’t asked me to do something with him would say otherwise. I am caught in between having hope and patience that we will grow closer, and letting go because he doesn’t feel the same way about me.

I feel like I am meant to be alone sometimes. I do not mean that in a negative way, I am so used to being alone and I have learned to love myself because of it. Maybe being in a relationship is not something I am meant for. Yet, I have also been very closed toward people and I want to learn to open up. I have shown people that parts of me I have not shown before, and he was one of the few who understands. Now I want to be able to share experiences with people and I feel like being in a relationship will deepen a sense of connection in a way I have never felt before.

As of now, I do not think I have any control of whether he ends up in my life. I feel I need to decide now whether I let go of any chance that something will change, or keep my feelings strong and be patient, because I cannot keep switching between the two. I am struggling because I want to love and care (for people in general) but I feel like I should let go because I may be too attached. How do you find something in the middle, what do I do?