Dear WestCoastGal:

You shared that you (38) are “sensitive and vulnerable, love to talk”- are in a five months relationship with a man (35)- who is “thoughtful, kind and caring”, a man who shows his affection to you “by physical touch, gestures, gifts”, but not in words: he did not yet say to you that he loves you, nor did he open up to you much about his past relationships, suggesting to you that he is “gun shy about relationships, saying the L word, etc.. because of his past”.

Of the men you dated for years, he is the first guy you see a future with, having so much in common with him, making each other laugh, but your issue is that you are “not feeling super connected to him” because although you tried “to get him to open up emotionally”, he “has a wall up and won’t let anyone in”.

You wrote: “His family has even mentioned the challenges of trying to see his emotions”-

-his parents did see his emotions when your boyfriend was young: all young children express their emotions freely- and when they saw his emotions, they hurt him, ignoring or shaming and blaming him for his emotions- so to protect himself from his parents’ hurtful reactions to his emotions, he hid his emotions, building up that wall.

He was not born with “a wall up”, the wall instinctively went up because there there really was a threat (ex. shaming, blaming) to him, and he needed to protect himself from that threat.

“I have tried to get him to open up emotionally, but it seems like there’s just nothing there”- there is a lot there, but it is held behind that wall, and he is too afraid to do away with his protective wall.

“I’m not asking him to break down and cry in front of me, but a little bit of vulnerability and emotion would help me so much”- a little bit of vulnerability is too much for him because he is too scared (and probably not aware of being so scared).

“I just don’t want to push this issue on him and push him away”- wise choice. Fear is the most powerful emotion there is, so if you push him, fear is likely to win over his love for you.

“I do love and care for him, I just don’t know how to tackle this”- even if you were a professional therapist, it wouldn’t be possible for you to be his therapist because of your lack of objectivity. So better you don’t try as it will harm, not help. But you can get to know him better and understand him better, and with more knowledge, there will be things that you can do to make him more and more comfortable with you, to the point that he will  open up more.

It will take a lot of patience on your part, and it will take you being willing to be okay with the way he is now, the way he will continue to be, for a long time.

If you want to, for the purpose of understanding him better (and finding out what you can do)- you can tell me what you know about his childhood, his relationships with his parents (and/ or with any adult who raised him, like a grandparent).

anita

Dear WestCoastGal:

You are welcome. I understand why he is uncomfortable and hesitant about saying I-love-you, about the label bf-gf, about the idea of marriage and children: it is not only that his biological father paid him so little attention, but it is also his mother who paid him little attention, being busy with her divorce and re-marriage, with her other 3 children, plus the addition two of her new husband’s. His step father was busy with five children as well, other than him. Your boyfriend had so little of the emotional support and guidance, too little and for way too long. He is used to be emotionally alone, isolated, neglected.

I am guessing that he felt quite trapped and/ or unhappy in his childhood home and he doesn’t want to experience that again, as in another unhappy home as an adult, with a wife and children.

Reads to me that his relationship with you is healthier than his past relationships with women, that there is promise in this relationship, but there is also a place for concern.

I think that you will need to make it clear to him,  almost casually (not in a dramatic way, with no hint of pressuring him) that you really want to get married and have children. Let him know that you are willing to accommodate his needs in a marriage, so that it can be a marriage in which he feels comfortable with. For example, that you are willing to give him alone-time when he needs it, that the two of you can have an extra room in your future home where he can spend time alone when he needs to.

What do you think?

anita

Dear WestCoastGal:

I will be back to your thread, read and reply in about 11 hors from now.

anita

Thank you again Anita.

I wanted to check in again and write, as I am currently experiencing some fear and anxiety.  Things will be great in my mind one minute, and then full blown anxiety/panic the next.

My boyfriend isn’t the greatest texter, which I totally internalize sometimes.  As I mentioned in my initial post, he isn’t really expressive verbally. I’m learning to just deal/accept that.  However, like I said, one day I will be totally cool with it, and kind of laugh it off, then something will set me off.

For example, I sent him a message almost three hours ago and he hasn’t replied.  He has been online on FB, but hasn’t replied to my message yet, and it is driving me crazy, and making me so angry.  I wish I wasn’t like this, and wish I didn’t get so mad.  I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, and it makes me want to lash out at him.

I think one of the big things that I really need to work on is my anger, and panic/anxiety.  I’m aware of it, but I wish it would go away.