I have a friend whom I’ve known since we were middle school kids, give or take almost 30 years now (ahem!). We were closer during our high school years, then we graduated, she joined the army, got married to some guy many years older than her and I stayed back in our hometown of Las Vegas, went to school, worked a full-time job and partied. We were on opposite sides of the world and we always managed to sporadically keep in touch, even before the advent of social media and texting. We were in and out of each other’s lives as time went on. I eventually graduated college and moved to L.A. with my then boyfriend in 2002 while she was still married to her husband of almost 10 years at the time as she struggled to get into medical school. By 2004, I married my boyfriend and I made this friend my matron of honor and lucky me, she was moving back to our hometown at the time. Unlucky me, I got a very frustrating matron of dishonor who basically used my wedding as an opportunity to make up for the one she never had herself by inviting certain family members of hers who I did not invite to our wedding. On the day of my wedding, she made me late for my photos because she snuck her little sister in to get her hair done by my hairdresser, who was only expecting to do 5 heads of hair that day, mine being the most important. Her speech at the reception was abysmal at best, which she made about her and prompted me to be a comedienne when I said out loud “BACK. TO. ME. PLEASE.” Despite my irritation at her for being a thoughtless matron of honor, we talked it out, I accepted her apology (but honestly I’m not sure that she ever did apologize, so I will romance the notion that she was actually decent and apologized at the time) and we moved on. I continued living my life with my husband in Los Angeles and she continued her quest to become a doctor, which she was unsuccessful at fully becoming, so she became a PA. Close enough. The years went on and I had two children, each of whom she skipped out on my baby showers. But I did not hold a grudge that she didn’t make it to either of them. I just shrugged it off and figured that she was too busy during both of those times to make an appearance. Fast forward a short sale and a move back to Vegas to be closer to family five years ago, and here we are, living in the same city, back where it all began. At first, we were hanging out every now and then, getting together for the occasional barbecue or pool party. I always found her and her husband to be less than welcoming at these get togethers, especially her husband. But then she and I got into running events, doing 5ks every single month it seems, which was fun for a bit because I enjoyed running. She then went full force with triathlon training and I refused to follow that route, opting to have fun with other friends and meet up with her whenever I could. The past year and a half, however, her life changed as she separated from her husband and was open to partying more, something she never did when she was younger, when you’re supposed to do those things. But because I’m always up for a fun time, I welcomed the opportunity to hang out with her more on this level as opposed to doing a half marathon. I invited her as my guest to boxing matches since my husband works for a boxing promoter. We would drink, have fun and chill out in a hotel room if my husband was provided one through his work. During a second boxing event where we had a room, we got completely trashed, all three of us. The next thing I knew, we were all naked and having a threesome. When I realized what was happening, it was too late. That was back in April of this year and to this day, I am still dealing with the aftermath of that event. Each month since that time, I would go on a roller coaster of emotions, dragging my husband with me. I would go from anger, to hurt, to acceptance, to more hurt, to completely distrusting my husband, accusing him of cheating on me with her, blaming him for starting it, blaming her for joining, blaming myself for being too drunk to stop it, for every single second of it and all that I cannot recall. Her nonchalant attitude about the night made me question why should I feel this way and maybe I should just go with it. I even slept with her apart from my husband, thinking I would make myself feel at ease with the whole situation. Of course nothing changed about the way I felt. If anything, I realized that my experience with her wasn’t at all that great, alone or with my husband and that is something my husband and both agreed about: it wasn’t good. Yet, after a particularly brutal argument with my husband one night, I ended up getting a DUI. Alcohol, anger and anguish never amount to anything good. The fighting, the pain, the tears, the uncertainty that I was left to feel has no doubt left me traumatized…all triggered by that one night.

My mind sometimes pulls me back to that night, making me think of the pain I often felt since it happened. I get mad at my husband at least once a month, in shorter spurts now than when it first happened. I’m learning to control myself and my anger. I’ve gone through hell and back with my husband, running him ragged with how I feel, how I was made to feel. After re-evaluating our marriage and attending couples counseling on a regular basis for the past three months, we are on the road to recovery together. He is slowly re-building his trust with me, having re-assured me how truly sorry that it ever happened and I truly believe him. For my part, I am not drinking as much, I have adopted a much healthier lifestyle of Crossfit and clean eating, having lost nearly 30 pounds this past year, which is the only silver lining in this nightmarish year. I meditate, give gratitude and envision daily, I journal and I’m getting my hormonal issues under control. I am finally getting myself right and centered since this all happened, no longer lying to myself or being in denial. But at the same time, I’ve experienced anxiety attacks at least once a month, feeling very uneasy and depressed about my unresolved situation with this friend and I wonder how I should handle her and this fractured friendship of ours.

I consciously separated myself from her a couple of months ago. I “Unfollowed” her on Facebook, which I’ve pretty much already stopped visiting that site on a regular basis anyway due to how toxic it became, especially during the election. Unfollowing her though was best for me if I found myself on there since she tends to live her life out on it. Our therapist was surprised to learn that I continued to talk to her at all after the threesome debacle. She thinks that I should never speak to her again, as she believes that she’s toxic and that my mind is addicted to the chaos that she brings and has brought to my life. Thinking about it now, our therapist is right. I often feel very depressed, annoyed or irritated after being around her, even before any of this shit happened. Now I find myself distrusting her and resenting her because she is so and was so cavalier about the entire event right after it happened, going so far as to say that she would do it again if we were up for it. As a matter of fact, the last boxing event that I took her to, which was after the drunken threesome in April, she wouldn’t leave our room. It made us think that she was waiting for an invitation for a re-visit with us. The truth is, this friend has latched on to me all year long and I’ve allowed it. She has really needed me more than I needed her and especially since she separated from her husband, whom she has yet to divorce. I’ve got a pretty solid relationship with my husband, despite our issues this past year, two beautiful healthy children, a home, a good life. I’m basically living the dream. I can see that she’s lonely, but she always acts like she doesn’t need anybody, but that’s bullshit. Everyone wants to feel loved and needed and she’s no exception. And although she acts like she’s protective of me and says she loves me, I always felt that she’s also jealous of me. But my boundaries were wide open and she crossed them to the point of no return and when I think back on everything I’ve said and done in this friendship over the years, I realize that I got caught up in her negativity by venting my frustrations about my own family, namely my parents and my brother to her. She acted like a soundboard to me, speaking against my family in a very cruel way. I was very caught up with my own feelings about them that it never dawned on me the things that she said until later. Now I just regret that I ever shared anything with her at all, about anything. And regretting anything in life is no way to live your life.

Nearly 30 years of friendship between us and I feel as though it’s DOA and has been for a while. She would text me every day this year about everything and nothing and since I’ve retreated into healing my own life and trying to move forward and focusing on what’s truly important, the texts have stopped. She reached out to me once after a couple of weeks of us not texting, stating: “…whatever challenges you are trying to overcome right now…I love you, you are and always will be my sister, I will never turn my back on you, and I will always be here for you.” I responded to her that I’m not trying overcome any challenges per se, but I’m focusing on me and my family right now. Then she responded with her news that her kid sister was moving out of state with her fiancé. Again, needing me but not coming right out to say so. It was never about reaching out to me to see how I was doing. It was about her feeling me out after weeks of not hearing from me in some way so that she could tell me what was on her mind. Shortly after that, a few more random texts, mostly her babbling about a new Fitbit, advising me which one to stay away from and then a day later, she sent a random text about her mother being laid off and stated in the same breath how they were going hiking on a certain date and I could join them if I was so inclined. I have yet to respond. That was 24 days ago. Since then, nothing more has been said between us. Not even Merry Christmas.

I seriously want closure on this because I’m tired of her taking up my valuable head space. My husband is sick of hearing about her, wants nothing to do with her ever and wants me to move on, but I’m not sure how to do that. I think that the much needed distance I have created and the unresponsiveness clearly clues her in that I’m not into our friendship right now and for the most part, it’s been good for me. But I haven’t told her exactly how she’s made me feel this past year, or even throughout the years that I’ve known her a part from how shitty of a matron of honor she was at my wedding. Our therapist suggests that I don’t say anything because with a person like her, she’s not going to get it, she won’t take my feelings into account nor any responsibility and I won’t get the response that I’m seeking or the closure I want. I’ve given up having expectations of others anyway, so it would be for me, not her. I feel the responsible, adult thing to do would be to at least explain why I needed to step away from her and what caused it. The drain that I feel whenever we’re together, I’m just exhausted and I no longer have the desire to be around her. Even when I wanted to be around her, I still felt exhausted 15 minutes into being with her. But then I would do it again and again. She’s been like a bad drug habit that I can’t shake. But now I’m in rehab and I’m just saying no to her. Honestly, I think that because she hasn’t come right out and asked to see me or ask me if I’m okay or even ask me directly what’s going on, she doesn’t care about me or our friendship. I know that if I were the one sensing the distance and pretty much being ignored, I would take some kind of action. At the very least I would pick up the phone, not text, and place a call to her, even it meant leaving voicemails until I reached her. I would probably even show up unannounced at her door. But then again, I personally wouldn’t have done half of the selfish and thoughtless things that she’s done throughout our entire friendship.

So, is it a matter of just taking a break from this friend, then when I’m ready, I might do something socially with her again, but never inviting her back into my intimate world (and definitely never back in marital bed)? Or is this friendship, like the dead celebrity roster of 2016 and officially gone? Have I just resolved my own issue?