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Dear Angel (first post out of two):
Yesterday, March 5, 2022, you didn’t understand the following: (1) “What I donāt understand is how someone for whom I have shown so much love and affection and care could turn around and tell me how much they hate me? (2) I donāt understand what I did that was so badĀ (3) I donāt understand how to move on from such hate and anger towards me… from someone hating me this much?”
“Someone please help me understand”
This first post will include my study of what you shared, retelling what you shared in the course of the only two days you posted on your thread: one on July 17, 2020, and the second, on March 5, 2022, including quotes. In a second post, the one that will follow this one, I will do my best to answer your questions above and to help you understand.
Back on July 17, 2020, you shared that you met a man a bit over a month earlier, in June 2020 and it’s been your first relationship. On the first date he acted “nervous but very respectful“. At the end of the second date, “he said he was in love with me“. When he said that, you “asked him why he thinks this“. He explained that he knew what love felt like because he was in a two-years long relationship before, and that the love he felt for you was “a lot stronger than anything he’s ever felt before“.
When you expressed to him your concern with the speed at which he told you that he is in love with you, he suggested that you take your time and that he has no expectations that you return his feelings.Ā He also told you “how amazed he is that someone like me is with him and that heās still afraid that I will just leave him after getting bored“, and that “he didnāt want a physical relationship too fast because he was afraid I would leave after“.
On one of your dates, you “confronted him with my feelings and explained that I felt like everything was moving too fast and I am liking him to fast“. He then “calmly and patiently” encouraged you to “keep my feelings protected because he knows how much it hurts“. He told you that “the speed of this relationship would be entirely decided by me“.
His behavior in that first month: “He goes out of his way to make plans with me and is mindful of how my time is being used since I am currently studying for a major exam“.
You wrote: “From our conversations, I also gauged that he has been used by people for his money before and that is a concern his family has for anyone he dates… On a drunken night, he called me and explained how his culture and family limit him from doing things he enjoys, and he has ended up sacrificing his happiness for them“.
You were concerned at the time: “Something that really concerns me about this is that I think his culture and his family have a lot of control over what his life looks like… I am concerned that if this relationship were to progress further, not only would there be concerns about me as a ‘good person’ but also he would caught between pleasing ‘two sides’ and Iām not confident I would be happy with the outcome. I donāt even think I want to be a part of that situation“.
Another concern you had at the time: “he can be so involved in his own stories… that I almost feel like I donāt get to talk“. You were concerned that while he talked a lot about himself, he didn’t care to know as much about you: “at this point, I am amazed that he doesnāt ask me questions as often“.
You ended your original post, still a little over a month into the relationship with, “Iām just afraid that this is all moving too fast and being my first relationship, I donāt know what Iām feeling“.
Your second post on the same day reveals your excitement about meeting him and your need for insight: “Meeting him again today! Would appreciate some insight!”
Later on, on the same day, you shared that he told you that his family believes in certain dietary restrictions which he doesn’t follow when not in their presence, and he hides it from them. You then asked him a question: “So I asked him, how he would deal with a situation where his partner would not be okay with hiding this“. You were not satisfied with his answer, and you were concerned “about what he would do on bigger decisions in life that matter a lot to me… like upbringing of children…Ā these just seem like really big red flags to me, and I donāt know if I should be careful or if I should even bother continuing?”
The last thing you wrote on July 17, 2020, was: “I am saddened to let go of this relationship because I do truly enjoy his company and Iāve been wanting a relationship like this for quite some time. I wonder if I explain my fears and concerns to him, if he would be able to address them and show me what he could do.
“As much as I am willing to give in to others, I am also very strong on my own core morals and values, something that I have made clear to him and he has told me that he very much values that about me and he would not expect me to change that about myself. Itās his encouragement and his loving words that continue to draw me in. Do you think I am being too naive?”
You were back to your thread on March 5, 2022: “I closed my eyes on a lot of his behaviors“, you wrote and shared that in Nov 2020, you “caught him on a dating apps“, confronted him about it, and he promised that “he wouldnāt be talking to anyone ever again“. After that, he started fighting with you about little things, “bringing up all the time that he wasnāt meant for marriage“, he got angry and even yelled at you, angry about “the way I laughed… or the way I just becoming quieter over time. We had great times, but small things would set me or him off. I would feel bad but then would be scared to bring it up because he said I have this habit of dwelling on the negative…Ā he would just be mad that I couldnāt let things go“.
You broke up many times and got back together: “I kept going back thinking he wouldnāt be that mean ever again but he was every time. He would yell at me for continuously bringing up the same sad drama over and over again but I guess in my head I never resolved and any time I would try to, he would get upset“.
“In December 2021… He wanted me to leave his life. He was saying it in anger and then would tell me that he didnāt mean it…Ā in Jan 2022, I ended it completely… We decided to go on one last date. But we got drunk and he… told me Iām like child, I wonāt let go, Iām latched onto him and Iām machine to make people crazy. I kept crying…Ā and he kept asking me why I was so sad, why I had to keep crying to make him feel guilty when he has already told me so many times that he doesnāt want to marry me… I tried to explain to him…Ā He said he hates me and he hates that he ever did this and we were a mistake. He thought I was a cool, ‘modern’ girl and not this“.
In answer to my questions yesterday, you explained that even though he repeatedly told you that he wouldn’t marry you, “his actions and his words would make it seem like he could also see me as his wife“, that you were interested in marrying him, hoping “we could have a fun, mutually respectful life together“. In your answer to one of my questions, you wrote: “I donāt think I dwell on the past or the negative. Iām just trying to understand it“. In regard to his upbringing, you wrote, “I think he may be brought up that way where he has to always prove himself or where love and respect is kind of earned in his family“.
As to my question to you, what happened? You answered: “Iām not sure what happened. I feel like I kept accepting less and less over time. By certain point, I feel like I just wanted his presence even if it didnāt match the requirements, I set… somehow I ended up in this position where Iām just begging for him to not hate me. I donāt want him walking away thinking I was a crazy person because thatās what he keeps telling me…. I think Iām just dependent on his presence and what he has given me in the past“.
anita
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .
Dear Angel (second post out of two):
I spent about 3 hours putting together the first post, processing the information and as a result I am getting a clear picture of what happened, it’s not complicated really, in my mind.Ā Here is what I see: there has been, from the start, a fundamental incompatibility between you and him: you are intellectually honest, he is not.
By being intellectually honest, I mean that you have an honest attitude to finding answers and solving problems: you ask questions because you are looking for the truth. You are open to receiving answers that you don’t like, as long as they are true answers. You present information in a straightforward, honest manner. You don’t purposefully omit relevant facts and information so to appear to be who you are not, nor do you fabricate information, aka lie. You share with another person what you honestly think and what you honestly feel, best you can, so to give him (or her) a true picture of who you are, and in so doing, you make it possible for him choose what is right for him. Generally, what you present to others as yourself is really who you are.
On the other hand, he is intellectually dishonest: he is not looking for the truth, instead, he keeps much of the truth hidden from himself and from others. He omits relevant information, he twists information, and he lies so to appear to be who he is not. Generally, what he presents to others as himself is not really who he is.
On the two occasions you shared about him being drunk, he told you the truth: (1) Summer 2020: “On a drunken night, he called me and explained how his culture and family limit him from doing things he enjoys, and he has ended up sacrificing his happiness for themā – he is angry at his family for limiting him, for robbing him from joy and happiness, he is angry at them for demanding that he sacrifices his happiness for them.
(2) Early 2022: “But we got drunk and heā¦ told me…Ā I wonāt let go, Iām latched onto him and Iām machine to make people crazy. I kept cryingā¦Ā and he kept asking me why I was so sad, why I had to keep crying to make him feel guiltyā¦Ā He said he hates me and he hates that he ever did this” –
– he projected the anger and hate (strong, lasting anger) that he has for his family (one or both parents, a grandparent perhaps) => to you. It is his family who robbed him from joy and happiness, who latched onto him and made him feel guilty and didn’t let him go until he sacrificed himself for them. It is his family that he views as a machine made to make him crazy.
You are intelligent and you have an inquiring mind, therefore you ask honest, straightforward questions. Back in July 2020, he told you that he was in love with you. Being as intelligent as you are, naturally, you wanted to understand how it could be that he was in love with you so quickly. So, you “asked him why he thinks this“.
When he told you that he eats foods that his family forbids eating, hiding it from them, you “asked him, how he would deal with a situation…“, a question motivated by your legitimate concern over his family’s control over him and how that would affect your children, if you had children with him in the future.
When he accused you of latching on to him and being a “machine to make people crazy“, he meant in part, I believe, that you are a question-asking machine. He didn’t like your truth-seeking questions because he hides the truth from himself and from everyone else (similar to him hiding eating foods his family forbids eating and all else that he hides from them). When you asked him questions, he felt like you were tormenting him, making him crazy.
I am ready now to answer your question #2: “I donāt understand what I did that was so bad” – you asked him honest, fair, truth-seeking questions and to him, it felt like a bad thing.
I think that you fell in love with some of the ways he appeared to be in the beginning: respectful, calm and patient, encouraging, comforting. But also, from the beginning (July 17, 2020), you saw “big red flags“.
On your last post in 2020, you wrote: “I wonder if I explain my fears and concerns to him, if he would be able to address them and show me what he could do“- you considered at the time, placing your trust in an intellectually dishonest man. Fast forward, you did just that, and that was a mistake: an intellectually dishonest person will not address your question honestly.
You wrote on that last post of 2020: “I am also very strong on my own core morals and values, something that I have made clear to him, and he has told me that he very much values that about me… Itās his encouragement and his loving words that continue to draw me in” – you spent a lot of time in the past contemplating your core morals and values, practicing them, and you truly believe in them. When he told you that he very much values that about you- those were only words, meant to appear a certain way. He didn’t think much, if anything, about your core morals and values. He said what he felt was a nice thing to say.
Regarding his upbringing, you wrote yesterday: “I think he may be brought up that way where he has to always prove himself or where love and respect is kind of earned in his family” – I think that he tried, as a child, for many years, to earn his (unloving & disrespectful) family’s love and respect, failed to do so, and eventually settled into hiding the truth from them and appearing to be what they were likely to approve of. Fast forward, that’s what he did with you: hiding the truth from you, and appearing to be what you are likely to approve of.
Your first question was: “how someone for whom I have shown so much love and affection and care could turn around and tell me how much they hate me?” -he hated your question and truth-seeking more than he loved your love, affection and care. Your questions pointed to thoughts and feelings inside him that he didn’t want to face. He hated the idea of looking into what he didn’t want to look into.
You wrote yesterday when trying to explain what happened: “By certain point, I feel like I just wanted his presence even if it didnāt match the requirements, I set” – by a certain point, his presence in your life was more valuable to you than your “own core morals and values“, core values that include honesty and decency.
Your third question was: “I donāt understand how to move on from such hate and anger towards meā¦ from someone hating me this much?ā – reverse the choice you made before and choose your core morals and values over his presence in your life. Choose honesty over dishonesty, truth over deception, substance over appearances.
“I donāt want him walking away thinking I was a crazy person because thatās what he keeps telling me” – he does not want to face the crazy that’s in him. He does not want to point his finger to his crazy, so he points his finger at you and he says: you are the crazy one!
If you go back to him yet again, you will not be able to force his finger to point in his own direction. As hard as you try, you will hurt your own hand and his finger will still be pointing at you. There is nothing else for you to do that makes sense, other than… you tell me (?)
anita
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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