Kewpie,

I’m sorry for the confusion and painfulness you’re experiencing. Its normal and usual to be put off when we see the ones we love seeming to flounder. That it ties into your mutual financial freedom makes it even more confusing… quite naturally. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Sometimes when we see the limitations our parents had, it is quite natural to focus on those qualities. For instance, your father being a coal miner despite his education and intelligence can seem like a wasted potential. I’m struck by how your questions are not about dark depression, thoughts of suicide, inability to find love, or one of a hundred other difficulties your many brothers and sisters on the planet have… so I wonder if your father really did as poorly as you think. There is a strength in you that is sadly more rare than it should be, and honoring the way in which that strength came to be involves looking at your father with more appreciation. I mean this respectfully, because I know how much the mind can grab onto the perception of shortcomings and needlessly overlook the blessings (which is a huge source of our joy)!

When I hear the way your partner spends his time, I am impressed. He helps others, following his inspiration from moment to moment. This is beautiful and rare, and allows the divine to flow through him and bring nourishment to hearts in need. That he hasn’t worked out how to make a career out of it doesn’t strike me as troubling. Is your career well rooted? Maybe he would make a good stay at home dad. Maybe with a little unconditional kind regard from you, it would be easier to find a path that would be nourishing. Who knows? On your side, your grasping at the financial aspect of his development is understandable, but also leads you to feel anxiety that is unneeded.

Consider reading some of Pia Mellody’s work on codependence. She has some great books, and I think they’d strike you well. Basically, if we are trying to change people so they fit our expectations and needs, we dishonor them and us. Instead, we can look hard at our needs and meet them ourselves. Then we’re in a position to figure out how to relate to others in a way that honors our needs and theirs. Said differently, babies and his career are your desires… are they his? What does he want? Isn’t that as important as your own? What’s the compromise? Are you two simply incompatible? Can you love and accept him as is?

Namaste, sis, may love and light blossom along your path.

With warmth,
Matt