Lost in the signals I'm getting. Don't know how to approach things

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This topic has 25 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 27, 2014 at 6:46 am #65635

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi,
I just started a new thread about this because, after the excitement of starting to date again, I’m facing the frustration of trying to figure out where I stand with the two women I’ve been getting to know.

I had met both of these women online. The first one is fun, funny, energetic, and caring. We had a couple of dates so far and we had a really good time. In the beginning, she came on quite strong. I was a little concerned about this, thinking that things could burn out quickly, and I even brought it up to her. She assured me that this wasn’t a problem so I just went with it. We were messaging each other, but suddenly she says I am messaging her too much, and she wants to slow down. I’m fine with this and tell her that it isn’t a problem. It kind of threw me for a loop though. She was very aggressive with being with me at the beginning and I am very drawn to her. We will be meeting again this coming Sunday.

The second woman I met started slow and everything is moving slow now. She is thoughtful, well read, down to earth, and well rounded. She is a very strong and intelligent woman. We’ve had three dates so far and they seem to go fairly well. I know she likes me but I don’t know how much.

This is where my own thoughts start to work against me. I had messaged both of them for quite a while before we met. The second woman and I met first. It was nice and we had a good time. She was saying she wasn’t sure how interested she was in me, and maybe I was too attracted to her at first. I took some advice from people on this site. I was patient, talked to other women I met on the dating site, and decided to go out with the first woman.

When I went on the date with the first woman, I found it different from the start. It was a little more electric than the date with the second woman. After the second date with her I was feeling very attracted to her. We messaged each other a lot at first, then she pulled back a little.

My problem is, I don’t know where I stand with either one of them. I pulled my profile from that dating site but both of them are still on there, and they both still go online. Maybe I should have just kept my profile up there but, being interested in these women, and having their phone numbers, and didn’t see the point anymore.

I don’t know what to do here. After the second woman and I went on a date yesterday. I thought about the first woman while I was driving home, and how I feel more attracted to her. But now I don’t know where she is with things. We didn’t really message each other this week. Be patient and holding back would probably be the wisest things I could do right now. I’m just trying to figure out what is too much and too little. This is hard because, when you feel something for someone, you want to share that with them.

I’m in a dilemma here. They both are great in their own ways and I care about both of them. I know a lot about their lives and I’ve become emotionally involved with both of them. They tell me about their lives and their children. The second woman has a cute two year old and she is always sending me pictures of something silly she is doing. Dating both is getting to be a lot for me. Not in the sense that it tires me out, but the more I am with either one, the more I become part of their lives, and that there might be a deepening connection with one or both of them.

There is something about the first woman that just draws me to her more. It felt the most natural being with her but maybe it wasn’t as natural for her. I guess I should just see how Sunday goes with her. I think in my mind that I am impatient. It’s been three years since my marriage ended. I think I just want to share my life with someone again. It is just frustrating waiting to see if things will progress.

I just don’t know how to approach this anymore.

September 28, 2014 at 10:44 am #65664

Anonymous
Inactive

I wish I could get some insight from people on this. I get the feeling both of these attempts at getting to know someone are slipping away and I don’t know what to do. I’m just frustrated. Maybe I should just let it go.

September 28, 2014 at 6:16 pm #65714

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Howdy @guitardude Steve

You are moving away from your mission, mate. Can you just let things be ? When we become too stuck to the result of an action, life runs away from us and takes us back to where we started.

Can you please have faith in my faith that you will find a lovely partner to share all your happiness with. Just go with the flow and stop getting so attached to the outcomes. Enjoy the journey and leave the rest to the nature as it will only give you the best if you let it.

Enjoy being you NOW and in this moment and when you are able to do that, not many happy and secure women will be able to stay away from you 🙂

Hope you find the patience to enjoy your existence and let life flow as its meant to. All the dots will connect.

Jasmine

September 28, 2014 at 9:19 pm #65721

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks Jasmine,

When I just let things happen naturally, there is such better flow to things. I think that I have found two women that are interested enough in me, that they want to develop things slowly. The second woman and I had a date today. I know she cares about me too and said flat out that she is attracted to me. I have to just relax and realize that I could build something special with one of them. My only problem is not wanting to hurt one of them if something finally grows to the point with one of them that I must make a decision to stop going out with one of them.

I’m working on just focusing on other things besides them.

September 28, 2014 at 11:34 pm #65722

@Jasmine-3
Participant

@guitardude

Hello Steve

It is natural to feel the way you are feeling. You do not want to hurt anyone as you have been hurt before and it wasn’t pleasant. So good on yah !!

But no relationship can culminate into a happy or stable relationship with an underlying foundation of fear or guilt. So leave them at the door. If these women are meant to be hurt by you as things do not work out in the end, they will be. You cant prevent it from happening. However, you can be kind to yourself and take things slowly. Practice being yourself. Don’t let your past dictate your present.

I strongly feel that your next partner will make you feel right at home and will be able to accept you the way you are. So go with that intention. You let the woman be herself and you be who you are. When we do not try to change others to suit us or vice versa, life flows naturally and we attract help from nature the way its meant to be. Whats yours, no one can take away. Whats not yours, will never be yours. Be it a woman, house, job, or anything in this world 🙂 Doesn’t that take away so much pressure off your shoulders ?

Stay positive. It will all work out fine 🙂

September 29, 2014 at 11:02 am #65744

jeena
Participant

Hello @guitardude Steve

I think those women are crazy to keep you in the dark. You sound like a great guy. Any guy who takes down his profile while dating and foreseeing a future, is alright in my book! Don’t waste time on those who don’t appreciate your actions. My 2 cents worth. 🙂

September 29, 2014 at 3:41 pm #65764

Anonymous
Inactive

Well,
I was just messaged by the girl I was most attracted to and that seemed most attracted to me. She just told me that the spark she was looking for just wasn’t there. After investing so much time into getting to know her, I can’t help but feel a little disheartened. I was really starting to care about her a lot.
I forgot how the highs and lows of dating after not being in there for so long.
Do I go search for love or do I let it find me? I never wanted to be here. I didn’t get to chose and I feel sad right now.
Maybe I built up that woman in my mind too much. It is just frustrating and saddening and no fun for me right now.

September 30, 2014 at 7:01 am #65790

Anonymous
Inactive

I’m probably going to start looking to at dating some other women again. The second woman I have been dating, I’m so unsure of, I just don’t know if it’s worth the trouble anymore. We have talked for a long time. She has told me so much about her life. She has shared the good and the bad that has happened to her. Although sex hasn’t come into play, we have been physical. I know she wants to take things slow, but after about three months of knowing her and so much about her, shouldn’t I be able to know roughly where I stand in her life?

We talk, and flirt, and have fun when we are together. I don’t pressure her at all but I did ask her where I stand with her in a text, yesterday evening, and she hasn’t responded to it. I don’t know if I am just an occasional distraction for her.
The man she broke her engagement off with, was gone a lot on the road, and she was by herself a lot, and then with her child. She is raising her daughter by herself. I know that she is a really strong woman, and she has done so much on her own. She isn’t very sentimental so I don’t know how she is feeling.

Maybe jeena is right. Why am I waiting on women who leave me hanging? I have been thinking about putting my dating profile up again. I was keeping it off as a courteously to the two women I was interested in. One is a non factor now. The other one leaves me guessing. You don’t know what to think. I don’t know if she is just cautious after what happened to her, and really wants to develop things slowly.

September 30, 2014 at 7:40 am #65791

Pooch
Participant

Hi Steve

Three months is a long time. I think you need to look at meeting new people. Sorry to hear it didn’t work out with the first one. Don’t worry, it will happen eventually.

Take care.

September 30, 2014 at 11:46 am #65799

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks Pooch,
I’m starting to think that is the case too. I’m just a little conflicted because she did respond and I am going to type what she wrote.
Also, I was mistaken on the timeline. I first got a hold of her at the end of July so it’s about two months. It just feels longer and I’m probably a little eager.

“I’m not sure what you mean by ” where you stand”. I went online to meet someone I can blend with and hopefully lead to something long term. I can’t say for certain this early on. I had said I need to move slow and take time.”

I know she is being straightforward about this. She is being thoughtful about it and not flighty. It’s been a short time and maybe I should be more patient, but would it be a bad thing if I put my profile up again? She told me hers is still up and she checks it. Her photos are not on there so supposedly guys don’t check them out as much.

I have told her flat that I like her and that what to get to know her better. She has shown that she wants to be close to me but doesn’t say how much I might or might not interest her. I thought that I maybe should hold back a little but it’s not a game to me.
.

September 30, 2014 at 11:54 am #65800

Anonymous
Inactive

Do I send her a message that I am going to put my profile up? She is first and foremost on my mind. I took my dating profile off because I didn’t want to go after a bunch of women. I am only looking for one. I don’t think it would be a big deal to her but I really don’t know what anyone is thinking.
The first woman and I had a date on Sunday that seemed to go very well. The next day she doesn’t want to go out anymore. I don’t know what to do.

September 30, 2014 at 12:23 pm #65801

Pooch
Participant

Hi Steve,

I would suggest putting up your profile again. You are not committed in any way or exclusive with her yet. I don’t think you need to let her know that you are going to do that though. But the decision is up to you. But I am pretty sure that you are not in the wrong if you proceed with meeting others. Also, maybe consider asking her directly how you would like to proceed with her (ex, exclusivity, etc) so she can have an opportunity to give you a direct reply”. Asking her “where you stand” can be vague, but she is definitely not giving you what you want, and trying to buy time from you.

September 30, 2014 at 1:07 pm #65802

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks Pooch,

I think I will put it back up and mention to her later. I’ll let her know what I said before. That she is first and foremost on my mind and that I want to see her, and no one else at this point. Maybe I should mention if she only wants to see me right now, I will not go out with anyone else for now.
She has told me since we starting talking and had our dates, she hasn’t seen anyone else. I don’t think she has the time and I have been so good to her that I think she is (very slowly) giving me a chance.
Her ex wasn’t around a lot when they were together. I guess he cheated on her a lot when he was on the road. She became very self reliant but even if she has a tough outer shell, I don’t really feel like I could hurt her feelings in a small way.

September 30, 2014 at 1:32 pm #65803

Pooch
Participant

That sounds like a plan. Maybe get some more solid reply from her first before you pursue other ones.

Good luck!

🙂

September 30, 2014 at 2:04 pm #65808

cat dancing
Participant

Hi, Steve.

You surely do sound like a great and thoughtful man. Remember that. I think that dating should be fun and I also think that moving too fast is a red flag, particularly for a woman who has been cheated on. Self-reliance has nothing to do with it, it’s all about self-preservation. I don’t think two months is a long time. I don’t think three months is either…Most relationships that start like wildfire end in a pile of ashes. Too much too soon is a red flag to me now that I’ve been burned and landed in that pile. Value yourself and all else will follow. Being choosy about who you share yourself with (like the woman you describe above) is not a negative trait, to me it is priceless. It means she values herself and doesn’t just give herself away to anyone who shows a bit of interest. I am speaking here from my own experience and do not mean to read too much into the situation or sound preachy. I hope that you read this and know that I support you and admire you for your striving to do the right thing. That, too, is not a negative trait! It, too, is priceless and will serve you well in the long run.

I have learned the hard way that letting someone “in” too soon isn’t always smart or best. Trust, and true love, take time and patience to develop. Communication is KEY. It sounds like you are ready to do some communicating about where you’re at right now. She has told you that she is not seeing anyone else. Believe her on that. Trust that she is being kind and gracious with you, too.

As a very wise community member said above, try not to worry about outcomes and just enjoy the experience of getting to know someone, of flirting and having fun, of being kind and feeling good about being kind, and the rest will fall in place.

I hope this helps you some, Steve.

Sincerely,
cat dancing
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