So glad, or comforted is more like it, that I found this blog.  I’ve read every single post starting with the original one – Sarah’s, and I find a huge amount of comfort in realizing that I am not the only person who lost a beloved dog (March 24, 2020 @ 7:20 p.m.) and am finding it incredibly difficult to function at times.  I’m not going to get into details about my boy’s health issues (there were too many to enumerate here), but I knew for the last month or so that this day was coming. But no matter if it happens out of the blue, COMPLETELY unexpected, or if you have a little advance notice that it’s coming…I don’t think any of us are prepared for the magnitude of how utterly awful it feels when our furry friends are gone. I lost a beloved pup back in 2007. I grieved the loss of her, but not like this time around. This time is different and far worse. I was definitely more bonded with this latest little guy (Louie – a tan and cream Miniature Schnauzer), as he was pretty much stuck to me like glue since I got him at 8 weeks old. Good God… together with the same animal for almost 17 years…no wonder I worry about my emotional and mental health in trying to deal with his death. I even got a little paper back book from Amazon that examines the probability (from a biblical perspective) of being reunited with our pets in Heaven.

But, as I said in starting, I am grateful to see that there are other souls out there who are experiencing the same type and intensity of feelings. I still cry every day. I have pics of my little Louie in almost every room of my house, ’cause if he were still alive, he would have been following me around no matter where I was in the house. And, I pray…every day, several times throughout the day, asking God to look over my boy – and really – all of these wonderful pets, until such time that we can be reunited with them.

I feel it will help me to write about my dog, Ava. She was 6 years old, a beautiful boxer who was so intuitive & sensitive to everyone’s needs in the family. I let her go quietly at home on Friday, after the shocking news that she had lymphoma stage 4. It was only 2 weeks ago. The vet said she would survive for 2 weeks with no treatment, 2 months with steroids or maybe 6 months with chemo. We lost her so quickly, she was improving in my eyes & then I noticed that her tongue was a strange colour. The vet told me her vascular system was not working properly, I feel guilty for not noticing sooner. I am so so sad that she’s gone, my whole routine is out. I can’t stop seeing her where she normally would be, she had a beach walk on the morning of her last day & the sand in the car makes me upset when I see it. We have her daughter still, she looks so like her but I feel guilty that I don’t have the same connection with my pup as I did with Ava her mum. It’s so hard, I know it will get easier, she’s our 3rd boxer & it never ever gets easier. I hate it, I even told my husband that I would rather have her sick on her bed than not on her bed at all… Which obviously is not the case but I want her back so badly. She was the Lady of our house, the Matriarch, & it’s so empty right now. I know my little Indi will fill my heart where Ava has left a hole, she’s so young and vibrant & goofy. I hope that the original poster has healed, her story was so painful to read but all of these responses have helped me, & writing this I think is going to help too.

Dear Sarah,

I want to thank you and every person who poured their hearts in here.  In a time when I couldn’t cope, I found this website and read about what other people have been through with their furry loved ones.  It helped my tears slow down.

A week ago I lost my best friend.  Blu was a healthy 9 year old standard poodle.  We were very close, inseparable, bonded.  She could read my mind. She was more than just a dog to me.  She was smart, sweet. She loved children, cats and everyone.  She was also a little clumsy and couldn’t swim which for a poodle is hilariously not the norm.  So, when my husband sent me a text at work, telling me Blu had a swollen leg.  I wasn’t surprised.  Sometimes, she could play too hard playing fetch, and she strained her hip before.  So, I wasn’t alarmed.  We put an ice pack on her hip and set her up on the sofa with pillows to rest.  The swelling went down but not entirely, so we brought her to our vet and they discovered bites on her inner leg.  huh?  They told me spider or snake bite! What?! I live in a city.   They gave her anti-inflammatories and antibiotics.  When her leg was shaved, her skin was purplish pink. Sort of looked like Black Widow bites according to online pics.

I tore my house and property apart looking for anything that might be a clue as to how a toxic bite could happen and yes, around our shed there were many spider webs.  In a couple of days she recovered and the blood tests revealed she was 99%.

Two weeks went by and suddenly her leg swelled up again and seeping clear fluid.  Our vet said she had “vasculitis” which means inflammation of the blood vessels.  It was beyond what his office could treat and he recommended we make an appointment to a specialist, Internist.  The soonest appt I could get was in 3 weeks.  She was eating and playing and didn’t seemed to be fine.

While we were waiting for the Internist appt., I took her to vet #2.  They took blood work and began a more aggressive approach/immunosuppressant medication.  They said she needed to take it for a week before the next blood test.  Three days in, she seemed “stoned” and out of it on the drugs. I didn’t like it but I figured the doctor knew better than me.  I also noticed she stopped eating, which was a side effect of the medication.  During this time, I was working but leaving early, taking days off, and rotating shifts to be with her.   After another 2 days on the meds, it hit me like a tons of bricks when she didn’t wag her tail.  She was getting worse.  She was  getting weaker, which I tried to give her nutrition in every possible way.  I tried to massage her legs, and ice pack on and off.  I tried everything.  And on Thursday morning I begged an appt. to the vet.  That afternoon they were still stumped as to what was happening.  They said we could take her to the emergency vet hospital but since it’s LA, every hospital is at max capacity and even if she’s admitted, they might not get to her case.  They said she might not make it to next week.  WHAT!   At that moment, I was in shock and denial.  I thought there was no way she would die, she was too healthy to die of a bite.  Everything I read online said she would recover.  She was just weak from not eating.  That we would make our Internist appt.

In the next couple of hours, her health decline was accelerating.  That night all her legs were starting to swell and she couldn’t stand or walk anymore.  She wasn’t whimpering or looked to be in pain but she had a look in her eyes that told me that she wasn’t ok.  I laid with her all night.  I caressed her snout, telling her how much I love her and I kept apologizing to her.  I failed her.  I was her caretaker and I failed.  First thing in the morning, we called our vet and we took her in.  It was gutting.

My world caved. I sat on my sofa in shock, staring at the blank tv for hours, running through the events over and over.  I hate myself for the decisions I made. I blame myself for missing signs.  I blame myself for not getting her better vet care and forcing myself into the pet ER.  I blame myself for being undereducated about her condition.  I should have fought harder. I should have done things differently. I shouldn’t have left her at home and gone to work.  I should have taken her to a pet ER in another county. The list goes on.

My heart hurts. I’m trying to breathe again.  I’m trying to eat again.  I’m trying to be a normal functioning person again.  It’s all I think about right now.   It’s the many stages of grief and I recognize that.

When I open my eyes in the morning, I expect to see her big brown eyes blinking at me with her chin on my mattress, wagging her tail, willing me to get me out of bed.  Sometimes, a paw smack on the face.  I miss her so much  <3

Hi Trixie

My condolences for your loss. Truly pets are part of the family. Blu sounds like she was the perfect dog.

I don’t think there was anything that you could have done differently. I did a quick Google and this vasculitis is a condition that poodles are predisposed to developing, additionally spider bites are a trigger.

It sounds like the specialist vet followed a normal treatment plan. It’s heartbreaking that your baby couldn’t be saved.