Hi all,
I havent written on here before, but have found reading many of the articles somewhat helpful at this time. Sorry for the long post. I hope someone can relate to this complex and sudden situation I faced and am struggling to deal with.
Im 28 and have had a massive unexpected loss 3 months ago which I am not coping with at all. I have not lost anyone before in my life I was close to, and although it was my dog, she was absolutely more than a dog, such a gorgeous, active, affectionate and playful companion. Before it happened I was independant, had my own place, was very busy with work and juggling study, social life etc.
My dog Molly was only 8 1/2 and I just lived with her, she was honestly the centre of my world and she got suddenly & critically sick and I somehow agreed to put her to sleep and cant believe I allowed it. I have regretted it ever since the moment, and am not coping with life anymore. She was fine the Friday, sick Saturday and gone Sunday. It was way too soon, I was emotional and in shock and feel I made terrible judgement calls that weekend and dont know what my life is without her. I just feel so responsible for her I guess.

It was just me and her. Ive been single for a while, and have been very busy with work/study these last few years, and she was the one beautiful constant in my life who was always there with unconditional love, play, fun and comfort all the time. I think Im still shocked as I cant believe I let her be put to sleep, and feel I didnt think through the decision at all, it felt so rushed but she was deteriorating fast. I just cant believe how quickly life can change and I feel like my life is over. I honestly dont know what to do anymore, I dont want to go to work, I dont want to complete the same uni course, I no longer have any drive for life or my plans i had before. Things I did for enjoyment before have no meaning to me. I have been doing a lot of reading online and books on grief, guilt, regret etc and talking with various friends, counsellors etc but I just dont know how to live with my decision. I can hardly get out of bed. I feel I dont know who I am without her, especially having allowed that to be done to her, as I love her so much. She was such a central part of all my adult life, I got her when I was 19, and just didnt see this coming. I wasnt prepared, and feel I have made the worst mistake of my life.

She was fine on the Friday, when I got her up the Saturday she didnt want breakfast, she was shaking on and off and leaning to one side, she also had a lump on her left side of chest. As soon as I looked at her I knew something was quite wrong, she just wasnt herself. I took her to her usual vet clinic, her usual vet wasnt on, and she saw a different vet. I hate that this vet basically misdiagnosed and I didnt question her enough, nor did I follow my gut. The vet tested if she could get fluid from the lump on her chest, and it was just blood, the vet thought Molly may have a growth in the chest, a tumor of some sort, and we would need to wait until Monday to come back and take a biopsy. Molly had also had a cough on and off for 2 weeks, so she said to give her some antibiotics, keep her quiet at home for the weekend, and take her to emergency vet if I was concerned. I was quite upset, but still took her home not really thinking through what blood sitting in her chest meant, and clearly neither did the vet! She didnt outline any other possibilities.

I was meant to work that day, and after much debate I ended up leaving her at my parents who watched her while I was at work. She was lethergic for that time, but no more so than in the morning, she had some water and a bit of food, so I guess we thought she just wanted to rest. But she was normally full of beans, so I should have realised something was terribly wrong. When I got home after work, I wasnt happy so took her to emergency vet about 11pm. Honestly everything seemed to go wrong for her that whole weekend, and way too fast. They found she was very anemic and her blood wasnt clotting well at all. They thought maybe she had eaten a rat poison or something? As her blood wasnt clotting the lump in her chest was pooled blood. I thought it unlikely she had eaten a poison as nothing in the yard I can see, but agreed to treat her with IV fluids, plasma transfusion and blood transfusion. The initial assessment of her took so long it was 2 hours beofre she had any treatment. I left her there 2.30am having the transfusions, which all took a several hours. I told them to call me if anything happened or for update.

They never called. I rang about 9am the next day, she was halfway through the blood transfusion but her levels were still dropping dramatically. They did more tests and found she was still hemorraging internally, likely from the spleen. My family and I went in and the vet kept outlining how it was likely a blood tumor as if it was a toxin the transufions should have picked her up more and she shouldnt still be bleeding. This all came out of nowhere and we were all shocked. The vet said we could do an emergency operation, but her blood tests indicated there was some level of organs affected due to lack of red blood cells, oxygen etc, and that her prognosis was poor. And if it was this tumor, it was something like 75% chance it was a sarcoma where even with an operation the dog may only have weeks or a few months to live after. It may have been something benine, or an auto immune issue, but she didnt talk about that much. I said I want to do the operation, they wanted to do chest xrays and said if ‘abnormal’, they wouldnt necessarily recommend doing the operation. They did Xrays, and they were ‘abnormal’, she said Molly had fluid on her lungs which wasnt good for an anesthetic. They said we could do operation and CT at a different venue to get a better idea of if a tumor had spread, before doing op. My family and I decided we wanted to just do operation and to get it organised ASAP at this vet practice, which was also an option. I honestly said 3 times to the vet to do the operation, and each time she seemed to talk us away from it, heavily outlining Mollys poor state for surgery, likely poor prognosis and heavy costs. She talked of quality of life and whether I am doing this for me or Molly.

My family and I somehow decided not to put Molly though it, and she was put to sleep in the afternoon. She was in a lot of pain and on meds, and her belly was swelling up with blood which is a horrific image I have in my head. I cant understand how I didnt push more to do the operation. I wanted to save her more than anything, then somehow did the worst possible thing that would guarantee she would die. I am so confused. It all happened so fast, and I love her so much I just cant accept I allowed this. She was so energetic and vibrant beforehand, although looking back my family and I think she had been weaker on walks over the last few months before that weekend, and had been picky with her food on and off for several weeks, but I had just moved house 2 weeks before it happened, so just thought she was anxious. Since it happened, I have researched all about spleens, and the statistics arent as bad as the vet outlined, I have read about many dogs who live successfully without spleens and have good quality of lives. Even if it was a cancer, I would have taken care of her anyway and I just cant believe I took away her chance. I always usually research things and get to the bottom of things, but there was no time. The vet didnt outline how if we didnt do the surgery, we would never know what it actually was! So I am going insane not only because she is unexpectadly gone forever, I will never know if it was benign or a cancer or something else, I will never know how things may have been if I took her for a second opinion earlier on the saturday and got her treatment sooner. It is a complete mess. I feel the vets managed it badly, and Molly was let down by everyone and by me.

I keep reliving her last day all the time especially her last moments, it is truely horrifying. I feel it was surreal at the time, and I feel like I am still in a nightmare. I have felt like this for 13 weeks now, have been to GP and even started antidepressants just 2 weeks ao, as I am barely able to get out of bed. They havent helped me in any way yet but I will give it a bit more time. I realise she may just be a dog to some people, and some people just dont understand. But she was honestly like a child to me, I was totally responsible for her and she constantly followed me around at home, and it is so horrible and quiet in my flat. I am truely stuck in life and just want my life back. And this came completely out of nowhere, and I dont feel she had to die. I feel like I normally dont give up, and I feel I didnt fight for Molly and let her try fight whatever this was. I just cant believ I made such poor choices, I know I was under a lot of stress and emotional, but I dont know how to live with actively ending her life and taking away her chance.

I have had shitty family issues and stressful times in the past, and Molly was honestly the brightest most beautiful part of my life. She also brought my immediate family more together to some extent as she was the joy of all our lives, when I visited them with her.

If anyone has any thoughts, similar experience, advice it would be appreciated. I have been told lots by friends/family about to live in the moment, and stop rehashing the past, and that I need to accept it and move forward, but I just cant believe she is gone, I didnt think through the finality of it and it is truely devastating. I just dont know how to accept my life as it is now, it is so unexpected and empty, and I honestly dont know what to do now in any aspect of my life.

Sorry for the long post if anyone reads it,

Sarah