Sarah,
I had two very similar experiences. Once with a dog and once with a cat.

It sounds like your dog probably had undiagnosed hemangiosarcoma. It is always fatal. She was fortunate that she suffered for such a short time. You made the right decision for her. My dog was fine (we thought) until she started having breathing difficulties. Within four days she could no longer eat at all and was gasping for breath. She was a rescue and I had only had her three years. It is believed that she had lung cancer. Dogs slow down gradually and the signs of illness can be so subtle until it is too late. Also, their metabolisms are faster and the disease process can be very quick. My cat had diabetes and lymphoma and was in treatment. He suddenly took a turn for the worse and the ER vet recommended euthanasia that night. I still beat myself up about both decisions, but I know that I really did the best I could with the information that I had.

You should sit down and have a long talk with your vet about what was or what may have been going on with your dog. He or she will probably be able to give you insight into your experience. If you can have your questions answered, you can begin to heal. And, believe it or not, you will be able to love another dog someday.

Dear Sarah,

I registered with Tiny Buddha just so I could reply to your post, which is immensely moving. You did a good thing by reaching out the way you did. I think your pain is too much for you to bear (basically) alone.

You need much more support, I think. I don’t know where you live, but if such a thing is available to you, please consider a grief support group. It can be hard just to make yourself go, but I think you need to place yourself where you can talk and talk for a while. Some will say it’s better to redirect your mind, but my own feeling is that it would be premature. You are feeling fully right now, and I think you need to do exactly that, only with more support.

Also, there are people who experience the loss of an animal more acutely than the loss of any human. For most of my life, I didn’t know that. I also think grief can depend on the particular individual we’ve lost, no matter the species. There are a great many variables that play into grief.

Loving an animal is such a courageous thing to do. One way or another, love always ends in loss. When a person’s love involves an animal, that loss tends to come sooner than when our love involves human beings. It probably comes as a surprise more often too. I don’t know that for sure though.

Back in the 90s I lost a cat who had literally changed my life. She was as much a revelation in death as she was in life. Like Molly, she was not even nine when she left. I couldn’t deal with it at all. At first I couldn’t make myself go to support groups. It was as if no one could possibly understand what the loss actually was because no one knew her. No one understood what the whole world had just lost. I hated that she had been this magnificent being, and the world was completely oblivious. A few years later I took a health class and wrote my final paper on the subject of grief surrounding the loss of a beloved animal. My professor agreed with my thinking that the matter was overlooked societally and culturally, and she agreed with my sense of the enormous significance. This is still true, though things seem to be getting a bit better.

Like the others who’ve replied, I also believe you did the right thing. There’s really no winning here, Sarah. Self-questioning is a normal part of grieving, but it feels terrible. It’s one reason you need support. I am so moved, and so deeply touched by the power of your love. For all of her life, Molly was incredibly fortunate that you were there for her.

Cathleen

Hi Sarah,

I feel your pain – I have a pet and he is more precious to me than most humans !

You are an intensive care nurse and you made the right decision under the presented circumstances. What you feel now is loss and pain which causes regret of not having done enough !!. I have seen this happen up close in cases of human deaths which are sudden, and it causes the same trauma in the mind.

Please DO NOT beat yourself up. Human or animal – if it is time to go, it is time to go – NOTHING can stop it !!!

As with humans who cross over, pets are our angels watching over us and always with us in spirit.

Please read this short article – it will help:
http://www.petlosshelp.org/10commonquestions.html

GOD bless !

Hi, Sarah, I hope you are coping and on your road to self forgiveness. I lost my beloved dog Chichi last year and I thought I have moved on but aftrr a year Im back to square one. she was living with my family with our other dogs as well, she got sick for over 1week, but vet didnt take her in said its just fever didnt do futhrr tests and meds will be ok. She was not eating for over 1 week and I didnt realize how serious that was bec she was a tough and strong dog never gets sick. I didnt get the chance to see her before she go, I’m about to go home 2 days before she died. It kills me everytime I go back to that day that I should have gone home to visit her when she’s sick but did not. I was tied up at work and some personal commitment but i had a choice, I always have a choice and I’ll forever regret what I did. I believe our beloved pets would not want us to suffer, would forgive us everytime, support and understand our choices. We need to forgive ourselves, It is hard but thats the only way. In your case I think you did what you think is best for her. We will heal, we will move on but will never forget them and I believe we will see them again waiting for us when the time comes. When I think about it, my fear of death fades.

I am also a nurse and understand your clinical detail you describe, and your doubts and “what if’s”. . I had a beloved Golden Retriever that was my happiness and joy. I worked from home and he was my companion at all times. With his crippling illness, the vet asked me ” Are you doing this for you or for him?”. That stopped me. I didn’t want him to go, I didn’t want to be lonely, I didn’t want to take the responsibility for his death, though it would have been peaceful and quick. I realized he cant tell me what he feels, though I saw it with the lethargy and struggle in his eyes. The hardest thing, I did, was to have him put down at home, with me holding him to the end. That was what I did, though I knew it would be tremendously painful for me. You will always miss the dog, so display pictures of her around your home and remember the better times. It will get better! Your dog is at peace and no more suffering. She is smiling from the Rainbow Bridge and wants you to know you did the right thing.

It’s an old post, but those of going through this for the first time take comfort over responses like yours.  I lost my best friend of 12.5 years Saturday, June 2 at 2am.  I knew he had a hemangiosarcoma, but thought we had a few more months.  It happened quickly, while I was away on vacation, and I was able to rush home to say goodbye.  Though I don’t doubt it was the right, kindest, and best way for me to show my love, ending my dog’s life was difficult.  Not the choice, but the aftermath of coming home alone.  Thank you for taking the time to respond, as yours are words I needed to hear today.

Dear Sara: I’m in the same boat as you are. It stinks. I miss my Sissy I just want to die and be with her. I’ve had pups and animals my whole life and I still have her sister. I rescued both of them. I recently found out they are Carolina breed dog. Which is the oldest dog on record. They are to believed to be angels sent by god to us. My Sissa was just that! I too went through a very similar situation and had no time to think. Missy her sister is different. Sissy was the love of my life. You can’t come closer to experience god and spirit than having Sissy. She was my everything. I kept her sister Missy because I was able to put an e collar on her so she wouldn’t fight with Sissy. Sissy loved everyone even her sister who would fight with her. I hate to say it, but why didn’t god take Missy instead of Sissy and did I do the right thing or should I gave my Sissy a fighting chance. I too had no time to think, but its weird for three days after before she was creameated I felt so happy and felt her, but after that although I’ve had dreams and visions its not enough. I hate life now and just wish I am with her. I can’t even sleep anymore. Its been over a year and I think about her every moment of every day. I can’t even get another one until Missy goes because of her bad attitude. She’s 12 now and has slowed down, but you can’t trust her. God why did you take my sissy and why didn’t I do something before and listen to my instincts when I saw her tummy getting big. I’ve had my own health problems and no support. Why did I get so depressed when she was so sick and trying to get me out of bed. I’ve never experienced so much guilt. Don’t know how much more I can take. My life had never been that great until my Sissy and I managed to screw that up too. The vet said she had chronic leukemia but it wasn’t that bad and it could be years so we watched and waited. The vet said if her numbers go up then we just put her on meds and she would be find. That isn’t what happened. My Sissy acted like her old self, but her tummy looked big and instead of getting xrays I put it off because she couldn’t get in the truck anymore and I didn’t have the energy or strength to get her down there and the vet didn’t seem like it was a big deal and I lost my little bear to hs and couldn’t bare it happening again. So many things I think I just shut down when I should have been getting her help. One day she was fine the next she didn’t drink, the next she didn’t eat and the next she couldn’t keep water down it foamed out of her mouth. That’s when my neighbor who she gave a kiss on his knee like saying goodbye picked her up and put her in my SUV. She so wanted to go for a little walk, but I said no and thought we would get her medicine and come right home. Never assume. I also decided to take her on her favorite drive before the vETs and boy did she pop up and was happy with the wind in her hair, but when I thought we were going to be late I cut it short and she was so disappointed. I got to the vets and they made me wait after taking sissy back for over an hour that never had happened. The vet finally told me there was no hope, and boy was I angry they made me wait so long and my poor sissy had been laying on the floor in the back without a blanket or her mommy. I insisted beforehand they gave her pain meds but they said it wouldn’t help but I could take her to emergcy for an ultra sound. I had seen this vet for 10 years all of Sissy’s life and spent lots of money on both dogs. All I could think of was to get her to emergency. I got her there they did the ultra sound and said she probably had hs the same as littlebear and blood was in her tummy and she probably wouldn’t have survived surgery. Little bear had his spleen removed and they said he would live 3 months to 2 years, but he was gone in days.  I just couldn’t make up my mind, but even though the vet seemed nice I still felt like I was pushed into letting her go without a fighting chance. It would have cost me at least 5000. Looking back I wish I would have given her the chance. It makes me sick to think I listened to others and didn’t give her that chance. We don’t do that to humans why do we do that to our most beloved. I was such a coward I didn’t even stay. She walked in the room and that should have given me enough thought that if she could walk, she may have survived the blood transfusion and surgery. I read so much and found so many pups had survived with surgery and meds and herbs. I feel like I killed her. I just didn’t want her to be in pain and when I saw her she almost seemed to not know me, but that was probably the drugs. God I miss her!!!  She also seemed to be telling me not to do it, but i wasnt listening . I am so angry with all the vets involved and people especially the vet I used for years allowing my sissa to lay back there for over an hour on the cold floor without meds for pain without her mommie and she had the Audacity to charge me for the xray which I refuse to pay.  Life is just pointless without my Sissy. I’m just hanging around for my mom and other dog. What if there is no afterlife. And the only chance I had I took it away from her. God I don’t deserve to live. When I lost my other pups I thought it was the worst, but nothing can compare to this. Then again was I supposed to go through this to make me stronger, but then again why would Sissy have to pay the price. I can barely breathe. Life is pain and just a nightmare and I want out. I want my Sis and happiness. If I only knew she finally had the friends she so craved and I knew she was happy. If we knew each other before why did we come to such an awful place only to loose each other again. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. Why does such a mean animal stay and a pure love one go. Is it really survival of the fittest. Such a horrible and waste to believe this. Why do mediums say they see and feel are love ones, but we can’t. So many why’s?