Dear Lulu:

I read your recent posts.  didn’t know about the “fiery side of (your) nature”, that which “usually comes out of frustration”. You wrote that you are “now a much calmer person & very rarely respond in this way”, and I noticed previously that you were attentive about talking to him calmly.

Most people don’t do anger well, either being overtly aggressive or covertly aggressive, and/ or holding in anger for as long as they can and then exploding, or self medicating so to calm their anger, and so  on. I suppose your partner had his own experience as a child with anger, and then he had some negative experience with you, so when he told you recently that you were shouting at him while you were not, he may have been projecting you in-the-past to you in the present. Or he may have been aware that you didn’t shout at him but wanted you to feel bad, knowing you’ve been trying (successfully, if I understand correctly) to talk calmly to him.

I greatly dislike the silent treatment myself, but I would prefer the silent treatment over the overtly expression of anger that you suffered from your father: “completely blowing his top. Shouting, screaming in your face, very threatening, red face & sometimes physically violent”. I wouldn’t endure either one, but it would be way less scary to leave a silent man than to leave a shouting, violent man.

*I am impressed that although terrified you stood up to your father, this is courage in practice!

I think that as a result of your experience living with your father, you associated intimacy with overt aggression and that is why you were relatively comfortable with the lack of emotional intimacy with your partner for almost 3 decades.

Reads to me that you learned how to deal with anger quite well and are as calm as possible with your partner, but he remembers those occasions when you were not and will not let go of those earlier experiences with you (as well as his experiences with anger before he met you).

I don’t see reasonable hope to your relationship with your partner. I think that you did your best for some time and you waited patiently for three years for him to do what he said he will do. In addition to his silent treatment of you, he also tells you what you think and feel, instead of listening to you.

Basically, what was relatively comfortable for you before (less intimacy/ more distance=> less fear of overt aggression) is no longer comfortable. If I was you, I would tell him that unless the two of you have an honest conversation in the coming three days and decide otherwise, the apartment you co-own needs to be sold, proceedings shared equally and separation between the two of you done.

anita

Dear Lulu:

You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. I believe that it is admirable that you  worked so hard and keep working to be as calm as you are. If you want, I will be glad to read about that future conversation, if it happens and what is next for you.

I will be surprised if such a conversation happens, an honest and open conversation, on his part, very surprised, from what you shared about him.  But I suppose there is a chance. Notice the title of your thread, “Lost in a long term relationship”, can you possibly be more lost once separated from him-

– maybe you will find yourself, away from him. It is not  too late for you to have a relationship that is intimate and safe, after a separation.

anita