Hi Matt,

Thanks so much for your response. In terms of what happened? Well I had been ready for marriage for a couple years but he had worries based on his own parent’s divorce, we were busy with renovating a house and what he thought we could work on – having more balance in terms of spending time with friends and together. Obviously me being from another country and meeting him soon after arriving, he became my major support system, plus being my best friend I genuinely loved spending time with him! He saw a counsellor for a while and was feeling really positive. In fact a month before the breakup he said he had embraced the fear and was ready to take the next step and to expect a surprise. When we broke up (based on somehwat mutual pain with waiting and hoping he would come around) he said he couldn’t imagine being less scared with anyone else and that he questioned whether he would ever marry. The confusing part is that he wants kids, but doesn’t want them unless he is married. I don’t know how to make sense of it!! I really thought he might come back by now. When I talked to him last he said he still loves me, misses me but still can’t make his mind up to marry me or not. It’s horrible. Maybe I think the physical distance might be somewhat helpful. In my heart I think I want to be nearer family. His family was a support to me and now I have lost them as well. Everyone keeps telling me to be practical though and consider employment and the weather of all things. I really appreciate your wisdom and its helpful as I am really second guessing myslef at the moment.

Thanks

Hi Matt,

Interesting part about looking at it namely from his side – I do that a lot. For me personally, settling down and starting a family, being in a meaningful partnership is most important to me. After 4 years I realised I had been waiting for a commitment that seems so natural for me personally, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. So how could the decision be so hard for him? When he first was struggling with it (he had tried to buy a ring before) I thought to myself there are things we can work on, I can support him. I really thought he would get there and so did he. But then when he told me he tried to buy a ring again and panicked and couldn’t put a finger on why I thought what more can I do? I said is this about marriage, we could be together as long term partners without the marriage and have children. That’s when he said he didn’t want kids without marriage; you can see how it is confusing. When I said do you want to spend the rest of your life waking up to me he said I don’t know. That was his response to most questions. When I said you want me to go and potentially meet someone else, marry someone else he said he didn’t like to think about it like that. He’s a procrastinator and always thinks there is endless time for everything. I wonder if he thinks similarly with this, i.e. no need to rush to make a decision, I will always be there in the background? I have laid it all out on the line and said the only reason I am looking at work in Canada is because we are not together. He said he thought that breaking up would help him feel clearer about the whole thing but that that hasn’t happened. I know that not contacting him anymore is important for my healing but I often think will I ever hear from him again? It’s so hard to think of loving someone like that again. We were best friends, laughed so much, living together was easy and we had a lot in common. But his uncertainty about our future definitely wore at my sense of security. I started to not feel so safe with him. I would think I committed my life in Australia to be with him, away from my family and he didn’t want to show me that he chose me for the long haul.

I like your exercise, thanks. When I think about it, if I could be in love and happy with someone again it would be great to have that near my family and friends!

Thanks so much.