Hi Kumo,

I’m sorry to hear you are having such anxiety.

You probably would benefit from seeing a professional therapist. Therapy can be very useful for talking through issues such as these.

There are some hard truths that we all have to accept. One of them is that we cannot always rely on others to be there for us. This includes family members as much as it does friends. Relationships are constantly in flux. Some will grow, others will wither.

I think the trick is learning to live with that doubt and be happy despite it.

Human beings are social animals by our very nature. Our fear of being rejected and not part of the group runs deep because it is a key survival instinct. I think you will get very frustrated with yourself if you keep trying to get to a point where you feel no anxiety around this, because I think that is unattainable for all of us.

What you want to avoid is allowing this anxiety to overwhelm you to the point where you become non functional.

If I were you, I would stop trying to work against my own nature. It seems to me, from what you have written, that you are a quieter person who enjoys socialising one on one or in smaller groups of a couple of people. There is nothing wrong with this at all. Some of us are quiet, some of us are more gregarious. We need a balance of these different sort of people in society or there would just be a lot of people shouting at each other!

So I would suggest that at the times you are feeling a bit overwhelmed, try socialising in smaller groups or on a one on one level. Invite your friends for a coffee or cup of tea, or a stroll in the park. Just low key activities that you enjoy.

When you are in situations where you are socialising in larger groups, don’t feel bad because you are not the life and soul of the party. I think it was Jane Austen who described a dinner party as being very successful because, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘it was made up of those who would talk and those who would listen’. It strikes me that you fall into the later group belonging to those who would listen.

So I would try to focus on your good qualities. Be the person who listens to others! There certainly are not enough of those to go around and you will be very popular if you do.

Finally I wouldn’t put too much stock into whether or not people respond to texts, Facebook messages and emails. It seems to me that because these are relatively new inventions we are all unclear what the etiquette is around responding to these.

I think it is very likely that when people don’t respond, it is not because they don’t like you or that they are being malicious, but that they are busy or forget. I imagine this happens 9999 out of 10,000.

We all need to get out into the world and start responding to each other in person more.

I wish you the best

Hi Kumo,
I’m a really quiet person around people I don’t know or trust. In the past, if I could find one or two people I trusted, it was so nice to be able to open up and be myself, but finding those individuals got harder and harder as I got older. And I always found a reason to stop trusting those people, so I’m afraid all I can offer you is empathy, not advice. I think I am more sensitive than the average person, meaning that I take things way too personally, and my life would be a lot easier if I just let some things go, but I never seem to be able to do that. On the plus side of being overly sensitive, it does make me a better listener because I can feel what the other person is feeling when they are telling me about it, and usually understand them better than other people who hear the same thing. So it’s a strength and weakness. It can endear you to people, because you really “get” their situation, but having been burned so many times by people I allowed to get close to me because they felt this connection, I don’t really allow it anymore. I still listen, empathize, and treat everyone with respect, but I know my limitations. I cannot handle close friendships because they are too painful when things go bad, and things will inevitably go bad for someone as sensitive as me. Fortunately, I do trust my family – most of the time 😉 It’s okay to give your family a piece of your mind when they tick you off – they’re your family and they have to stick with you. At least, that’s what I believe. Friends – no such guarantee, so tick them off at your own risk. I lost all the ones I ticked off, and for good reason. I was being too sensitive. Anyhow, I hope this was not totally unhelpful. I hope you write again.
Your FRIEND,
Chupacabra

Hey Kumo,

I can understand in a way what you’re going through. Your post is almost how my life was. I remember being very subconscious about whether or not I fit in, having trouble making actual friends, being sensitive to off-the-cuff statements or remarks. I would watch the people around me to see if I was acting the right way, getting the right response, saying the right thing. Being terrified that someone could find out that I’m anxious or depressed and then leaving me because of it. It’s difficult to not be anxious or depressed when you have all of these fears.

Being bullied is always very difficult to go through. Feelings of social anxiety are very common after unfortunate situations like that. You seem to have a belief that there is something wrong with you, and that’s not true at all. There is nothing wrong with you. These feelings that you are experiencing are normal for any person to have.

Also, it’s okay to ask for help and rely on others. That’s what most people do to understand their problems. I believe that your suggestion to see a professional is a good idea. In the mean time, if you would like to talk to someone, I would be happy to help. Although, I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist myself, I have gone through your exact situation and ended up finding answers to those same questions you ask and becoming comfortable with people and being happy with who I am. So if you would like help finding answers and understanding your situation, feel free to email me at Clajoie94@gmail.com

I don’t want you to feel pressured to email me if you don’t want to. I only want to help you because I know what it’s like to want to solve your depression by yourself because you’re afraid of what your people would think. But the choice is up to you.