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  • January 27, 2019 at 8:00 am #277131
    Eeman
    Participant

    Hi all,

    More than year ago, me and my lover entered a blissful journey and everything was good till he believed the lack of giving me a label allowed him to engage  in relations outside our relationship. It was a toxic whirlwind, he denied it but as soon as I confronted him he begged for forgiveness. I let go, I decided to go on a self love break and did all the adventures alone I could dream of. Then when I felt like I could forgive him a few months later, we had a long conversation of where we went wrong and what we could do. The communication made my heart feel lighter. I decided to leave it for now and continue with my self love journey, till we got into the same college. This was several months after the initial break and I felt like I was talking to a new person. I was very cautious however and used my head and not my heart. Soon enough, we became friends until he told me he fell in love with me again. I was admired, but I had only just got over him and although I could see change, for the better, I just wanted to be careful. I guess i panicked and felt like I would not be able to return the love he would want. He was understanding and said its okay for me to take a break if i feel pressurised and emotionally unavailable. And this takes me to now, I am still continuing with self love, met some guys a long the way but none compared to him. I would not be foolish to say I am in love with him but there is an attachment. I think I’m using the past of his mistakes to validate why I am not ready but I feel like it’s a bit deeper and I’m struggling to understand. A  part of me is telling me to wait, that way I will know my true feelings and maybe if hes that committed he will wait, but in my head it feels like hes being slightly led on. I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of girl and my gut told me to go with nothing and not pursue anything at the moment, but why, because it still feels wrong. I’m not sure if the choices I’ve made are the right ones, maybe its a bit odd to put myself first for so long. But any suggestions? Would he be worth it down the line? How long is self love meant to last, when will I be ‘ready’? I’m tired of going back and forth and being indecisive.

    Thanks x

    January 27, 2019 at 9:47 am #277193
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eeman:

    I’d like to  understand better, therefore I ask: can you elaborate on what you mean specifically by self love” and adventures (“I decided to go  on  a self love break and did all the adventures alone I could dream of… I am still continuing with self love”)?

    anita

    January 27, 2019 at 10:39 am #277205
    Eeman
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I think the lack of communication and commitment in the relationship really did have a knock-on effect on my self-confidence where I was really questioning my self-worth. And I think once I realised it was not healthy at that point, I promised myself to look after me and I did a bit of travelling and really focused on my education. I was in a better place, and I feel like because I’ve made this a bit of a self-love routine, it’s not working for me anymore, self love seems to be tiring. I feel frustrated with myself as he has come back new and improved better than ever knowing what he wants, which is me, but I’m still pushing him away because of fear that he could repeat the past. Maybe I’m not emotionally available but I cannot seem to put my finger on it because I feel like I have grown a lot in the past year. There is some part of me that is not ready so I keep telling myself to stay single but I am still not completely content alone?

    Thanks

    Eeman

    January 27, 2019 at 10:46 am #277211
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eeman:

    The traveling and focusing on your education, looking after yourself, these are great things. But you can’t fix a relationship outside of the relationship. Once you are back with the guy, all the problems from the past are back. Relationship problems can be addressed and corrected only in the context of the relationship.

    The problem in the relationship is that he “engage(d) in relations outside our relationship”. Will you tell me about what he did and about the “toxic whirlwind” that followed?

    anita

     

    January 27, 2019 at 11:06 am #277225
    Eeman
    Participant

    When we had a longer conversation about why he did it when we got into the same college- he said along the lines of wanting to gain popularity and honour amongst the boys as he always felt like the odd one out but did so not in the right way. He was involved with typical ‘douchebag’ friends and would imitate whatever they did to feel accepted (one quality which included being disloyal), it was immature and I think final semester stress combined with little bickerings with me frustrated him. I was being clingy because I was scared of losing him (in a relationship prior to this, my older ex fell in love with a different woman during our relationship, we still remain friends but it was hard). I was scared of this repeating so tried to keep him close when in fact I should have dealt with my insecurities which I have tackled now (which is good haha). In our friendship circle, a mutual friend of ours (she was like my sister, we grew up together during childhood) she just came out of a terrible breakup and they soon seemed to grow closer. He didn’t want commitment but he did want to feel like a hero I guess, and they had been involved behind my back. There were arguments and tears and it was quite hard for me because she was like my sister and I had felt betrayed by both of them. (They are no longer in contact). I forgave her but I keep contact at a minimal level. After all this he was regretful and told me he was stupid and naive, he has a new friendship circle and is trying his best to improve himself which I appreciate. But even so, something is still holding me back. How do I reverse being ’emotionally unavailable’ whilst maintaining a balance between focusing on myself and improving things between me and him? I guess I feel a little guilty because he is still trying to be the man I’ve wanted and shown me love and appreciation now though I feel like I can’t return the same amount of love- like I’m under a little pressure. Either nothing or get into a relationship. Because friendship, where love is one-sided, was proving difficult. Hope to gain some clarity, I apologise I feel slightly conflicted x

    Thanks Anita

    January 27, 2019 at 11:49 am #277237
    Miles
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I understand feeling conflicted. I think everyone in the world feels that. It is easy to be torn between two possibilities, both which may seem like they have equal benefits. Know you are not alone in feeling that.

    I am going to encourage you not to pursue this man. One of my favorite quotes that has helped me most in my relationships is “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” This man was non-committal to you and cheated on you which obviously upset you as you wanted more. This man did not respect what you wanted and did not love you in the way he needed.

    From how I see it Anita, you need someone to give you the same love that you have been giving your self recently. I do not think this man will change his behavior. We’ve already seen that he seems more motivated by “impressing his friends” then by giving you what he wanted, some commitment.

    You may love him and have a ton of feelings for this man, but I encourage you to be realistic, use your best judgement and not to be led by your emotions. Respect and listen to your emotions of course, but do not be led by them. Make your own path. Choose your own path.

     

    With all of that said, and I am spectulating here, but I feel as though perhaps you want some physical attention or company? You’ve gotten to the point where you have loved yourself and perhaps you are lonely and looking for someone else in the world? Maybe there is someone else out there that can meet you for what you need?

    Best,

    M

    January 27, 2019 at 12:12 pm #277243
    Eeman
    Participant

    Hi M

    I understand all of this, but when you’re surrounded by everyone saying ‘once a cheater always a cheater’, you resort to the idea of a different possibility- if people change how long for? In my opinion, it’s been several months and he’s remained consistent the second time around with his behaviour which is why I always contemplate the chance we could be, as he’s been very supportive of me friendship wise. I could always leave, he knows that. But of course, the past is always there. I think the pressure of knowing he’s waiting but I’m not ready is more so the problem. I am struggling to find the difference between thinking wishfully and realistically, I think being stronger alone is always better than being half strong with a good person, which is why whenever I attempt to involve with a new person romantically, I tend to cut it off when it gets too serious because I compare everything to him, even though I am scared. Am I meant to give this time? Look for new people? Attempt again with him? Maybe gain some self-clarity? I’ve always been overwhelmed with possibilities.

    Eeman.

    January 27, 2019 at 1:29 pm #277249
    Marina
    Participant

    Hi Eeman,

    This is a personal decision for you and my suggestion is to find stillness and listen to what your inner true Self is telling you, and not your ego. Your inner Self will guide you to take the path that maximizes your soul growth, and you can only know what that is by going within.

    Whatever decision you make, take responsibility for it without regret, which means, be fully present to the experience. If you get back together with him, love him fully and without judgement. If you move on without him, be fully present to that journey and enjoy every moment.

    As humans, we tend to take a path that is safe in order to protect ourselves. This had merit when we were cave dwellers, but these days there are no sabre tooth tigers trying to kill us.

    Which choice you make really does not matter – at one point or another people and/or circumstances will hurt us but that is the journey of life.

    What’s important is how you deal with it. And the self-love that you are doing is key, but I’m curious about your comment that you’re finding self-love ‘tiring’. Self-love is loving and accepting yourself without conditions, there is no time limit to this practice.

    Marina

     

    January 27, 2019 at 1:40 pm #277251
    Eeman
    Participant

    Thank you so much, Marina, for your helpful words. Do you know how I would differ between my ego and inner self? What do you mean by ‘going within’?

    I think in a society where technology rules us and bombards telling us to love ourselves is easier said than done. I think I am at stage self-like.

    I myself am a writer so my version of self-love is a form of self-escape through words, it uplifts me. But sometimes when I cannot express it becomes frustrating. Sometimes self-love feels like a chore to get me through the process of life rather than an aid.

    I understand I am a work in progress and I can find other means to help me, currently, i’m attempting mindfulness. I hope I come to a final decision, I will update everyone further.

    Eeman

    January 27, 2019 at 2:10 pm #277259
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eeman:

    I re-read your original post and your later posts. Seems to me that the right thing for you to do is to let him know that you are not interested in a relationship with him other than friendship. I don’t see a reason for you to rush into any relationship at all in general, or into resuming this relationship in particular.

    “maybe it’s a bit odd to put myself first for so long”- it is a good thing for you to put yourself first for so long and for as long as the rest of your life, for as long as you are honest with others and you don’t mistreating others. As a single woman who is not a mother, it is your personal responsibility put yourself first.

    anita

     

    January 27, 2019 at 2:11 pm #277261
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    January 27, 2019 at 2:46 pm #277275
    Marina
    Participant

    Eeman, you’re on the right track with mindfulness. Through this practice we become a fully present witness to our thoughts and experience without judging it. By being mindful, we begin to understand that we are not the thinker but the observer (the witness). This is what I mean by going within, is to go inside yourself and discover who you really are.

    The ego is the mind chatter, which is typically in the past, in your case, the thoughts of how your ex hurt you, or they’re in the future, you’re worried that he might hurt you again. The ego is also the thoughts of judgment either to yourself or others, eg. “I’m such a loser” or “She looks fat”. In other words, the ego prevents us from being in the present moment and experiencing life fully. When we are experiencing life in the present moment, we are being who truly are.

    Here are some books to consider:

    1) The Power of Now or A New Earth, both by Eckhart Tolle

    2) Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer

    Good luck

    Marina

    January 29, 2019 at 4:21 pm #277677
    Monarchlover
    Participant

    Hi Eeman,

     

    I just came upon  your post and felt I needed to say something to you.  I know God would tell you to forgive this past boyfriend and you should.  I’m a little bit older and I know how that feels to be cheated on. My advice to you is to forgive him, but move on because there is someone out there waiting for you to figure this out. You will always have this in your back pocket and it won’t ever leave you. By sticking around, you will begin to damage your self-esteem. You sound like a really bright person with a bright future ahead of you with someone who is just waiting for you. Let it go and realize that your self-esteem will florish because of it.

    January 31, 2019 at 1:50 pm #277943
    Eeman
    Participant

    To Anita: I completely understand and I don’t think I should rush or force myself into any experience without pursuing my best interest, which is myself, even if it may seem inconvenient for some.

    I have spoken to the man and have told him of me wanting to let go, of course, he still believes I’m his soulmate and at college, it is hard to see him every day now knowing I cannot engage in contact with him. He was slightly reluctant to be friends at this point as I think he feels like he could have an emotional outpour with his intensity of feelings, which would not be good for either of us. I think with time we will both gain some clarity, we are still at an early stage. It is always bizarre how our mind likes to think of endless romantic possibilities after you let go, how convenient haha, but this inner chatter is something I am observing not indulging in. May we both succeed.

    Out of the blue, a family death has occurred which has made this painful process a little harder but I am more than determined to grow. Life seems a little duller.

    I think me and him will always have some kind of soul connection, we keep crossing paths time and time again and I am trying to figure out if this is God giving me a lesson to learn from or to give him a chance. I have always believed that loving someone from afar is okay as long as you let them flourish independently. But obviously, at this current moment in time, I hope to stay single and listen to my Inner Self as Marina stated and have a firm decision from there in the future as everything within seems a little blurred still.

    To Marina: Thank you for the book recommendations, I have just finished Untethered soul, it gave me the opportunity to see things from a different light, I was wondering if you had any more advice or book recommendations I could try in this challenging period in my life.

    To Monarchlover: Thank you for your kind words and advice, my heart every day feels a little lighter and forgives him more and more every day, I don’t believe I’ll suffer from the past everyday by leaving it like a rotten candy in my back pocket and am tackling the root of the problem and using this experience to be less naive in the future. With prayer and love life seems to be a little less scary. Sometimes I wonder whether his new spirit may be the man I need, I see growth in him everyday which is why I somehow get drawn back to him. But I hope to fill myself with love and affirmations for now and see where life takes me, I think I need to let experiences come rather than me forcing or constantly worrying about them.

    I will update you kind souls later in the coming future of my journey.

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