i’m really scared. i don’t know who i am, what i like or have the motivation to pursue what i do enjoy… i often feel like dying is the easiest path now.

Often thoughts of wanting to die are really about wanting to change but stuck.  The reality is that change always requires a dying of the self so that the new can emerge. You say dying is the easiest path now, and yet as you are experiencing, dying as in becoming, is extremely difficult. We hang on to what we ‘know’ and tend to fixate our consciousness on what we fear so end up holding on to everything we hope to let go of (die)  Though you want to change a part of you is also afraid to change so at this point of the process (and it is a process) you are stuck maybe because  you are not able to take your eyes off the fear. Most of the F.E.A.F you are fixated on is False Evidence Appearing Real but you must face it honestly to see fear for what it is.

You wrote: i’m really scared. i don’t know who i am, what i like or have the motivation to pursue what i do enjoy. You don’t know what you like while not having the motivation to pursue what you like. In other words you do know what you enjoy/like, and who you would like to become and the loss of motivation is likely due to the fear. Your task is to look at idea of fear. Why does fear have a hold over you? Is it real? (The purpose of fear is to get our attention and provide a quick boost of energy in order to deal with any immediate danger. Today most fear that gets our attention does not present a immediate danger yet most of us don’t pull back our attention from it and the boost of energy is used to remain fixated on it = STUCK and tired.

You have always faced everything that has come your way. I’m sure somethings you wish you could do over, or handle better but even those were handled. There is no reason to believe that you cannot deal with future issues that come your way. I suspect if you address the issue of fear you will have a a lot to write about that many people might want to read what you have to say about it.

Each of us leaves in multiple worlds. The world in which we work to pay the bills but that does not have to keep you from a world in which you write.

The good news is that if you are truly wanting to die there is nothing to left for you to fear so you might as well go after the changes you hope to become. If something continues to stop you from your becoming its not because you want to die its because you don’t want to.

Dear Fae:

You are welcome. You wrote above: “My whole family has depression and anxiety”- notice you used the present tense. And you wrote earlier: ” I have been going through an intensely emotional period at home”- again, present tense.

You then wrote: “anxiety has followed me my  whole life”- it followed you to the city and back to your hometown.

It may be a good idea for you to move away from home and your hometown, maybe if and when you lose your job, if  not before. Your anxiety started at home and is maintained, present tense. It  is maintained, now, at home.

Once  you move again, the  anxiety will follow  you, but away from home, away from its maintenance, there is a  chance of healing. If you do move, manage your anxiety better than you did before, build social support, perhaps AA, as soon as  you get there. Seek quality psychotherapy, as soon as it is possible for you. Limit your communications with your parents/ family/ anyone who maintains or  promotes  your anxiety.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita