Thank you so much for replying back Anita.

So my parents were living with me and my boyfriend for 4 months at stretch. I was always trying my best to keep things perfect between them, and everything went just fine.. just 10 days before they were about to leave-I got into a big (first ever) fight with my boyfriend. I pushed him and he got scared of my behaviour and packed his bag to go to his friend for 2 days. but ended up not going.  It was about him hiding text msg from his high school crush to meet over a coffee. When i actually read the text, He constantly kept giving her excuses not to meet. like busy at work, not well etc etc. He has been committed to me all the 3 years we have dated. I trust him that he had no  ill intentions seeing the girl, i just felt bad that he hide that from me. He apologised but then for 2 weeks-i was in complete no connection with my life state. i didn’t go to work, i didn’t eat properly. I got my first ever panic attack. as my parents were about to leave, i started feeling that i will be all alone when they leave, even when my bf was with me for support. But that fight just made me disconnected with him.

my parents went and i had the worst week of my life. The first day when they left-=my bf  got flowers for me . but still i was very unhappy and as result I went to see my sister for two weeks and i kept fighting with him over the phone to get married. For which he refused as we dont have stable platform in life to do that. We do talk about future getting married, as in how, when , where. We do talk about kids, house..everything. But i just got so insecured that i kept forcing him to get married. At present, i dont do that any more and trusting him that we will one day if everything works well.

Regarding the suffocation-I meant that when i question myself being with him and get angry over something, and ask him to think about us again -I feel suffocated for my own decision after an hour or so when my anger is down.and i just want to hug him.  Then i realise that i actually dont want to be away from him. I love him! But then again after 3-4 days of overthinking i start questioning again!

As of present -we both are healing of what happened. but my overthinking is killing me. I was to stop over thing and just enjoy my life with him. He is perfect boyfriend. cares for me, calls me at work, makes food when i am not well, respects my culture and my parents and bla bla ! I just want to stop overthinking.

As of my life being perfect-i meant that i have a good boyfriend, good job, few good friends, good health parents, my sister is expecting her first child-Like there is nothing to worry about.

There was another thing-Like before i use to be able to just have a glass of wine and enjoy-but now i just feel that all those things are bad and are made to hide your feelings, i feel guilty to have one! . I dont like the transformed me. I just want to enjoy my life like before!

Thank you so much Anita! I really really appreciate your time 🙂

yes. I can relate to the things you mentioned. I even tried to talk to my parents about how their stay kind of changed my relationship with my boyfriend. But, I felt bad as I kind of blamed them. At the age of 65, I didn’t like my dad apologizing to what he ever expressed about the dislikes towards my parents. They love him as a person, but the little cults change- like having a bed everyday, or yeah living in, without marriage. My parents like my boyfriend as a human and appreciates the qualities he has. It’s just that I just sinked in the negatives and ignored the positives. And after they left, my subconscious mind Came in conscious and I started picking small small stuff about my boyfriend and fight with him. But I really love him. I don’t want us to break up or I don’t even want me to look just at his negatives(like having a beer or two everyday, playing video games)and nagging about them.  I don’t want us to let go what we created for 3 years and what we dream to create in the coming years. We share same goals!

They kind of wanted me to marry Indian person, but I always ognore that part because that is something even I never wanted! Because as I mentioned before, I had a verbally abusivve relatinship with Indian guy before I met my current boyfriend. I always wanted my partner to respect me, trust in me and let me do what I want. And my current boyfriend is what I ever wished for. Sometimes I feel that I lack gratitude.

Thank you so much again!

K

Thank you Anita. talking to you is making me feel better 🙂

I am trying my best to overcome the feeling to keep my parents happy. The fact is that they will be happy, when i am happy. 🙂

At present, i have come to a point that in my head i am always fighting negative thoughts. I question my relation so much with my boyfriend. That is this really what i want? But at the same time i dont even want to be away from him! The thought of break up with him brings pain in my stomach, heavy chest and tears in my eyes. I cant understand my own feelings. This is so disturbing. I tried to talk about this to my partner yesterday and he supports me that he will be with me whatever happens. I dont know my friend what to do? I always try to make plans to go out with my BF, call couple friends home for gatherings, but then i question myself-that am i doing all this to just hide my feelings? or to get away the reality?

Sometimes i feel that i hope i dont have any mental disorder? That i am constantly trying to find issues in my life, when i should actually just sit back and relax !Which i was able to do 3 months back. Is there anything you can suggest?like meditation? yoga? I personally dont want to visit a doctor for this. Because me myself is so confused of my feelings and thoughts.

Some facts are:

1. I am feeling better with each passing day. (but as soon as i think this, i get scared that i hope i am not just trying to fake it).

2. I eat/sleep properly.

3. Just that i am not able to relax my mind and bring it to peace.