Smileybat,

I’m sorry for your losses, and your grief and aimlessness is understandable and normal. Our parents are often like a keel for our ship, keeping us pointed in a direction. This can be helpful, where parents are loving and wise, or unhelpful, when they are caught up in their own junk. It sounds like yours were the former, which is a blessing. With their bodies gone, its no wonder that you dream and miss them. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

You asked the question “does one need a dream to chase it”, and it makes sense to me. It sounds like you’ve lost some inspiration, some joy, which is OK… you’ve been through a lot of changes. Some people think the path of their joy is in finding some thing to do, some magic wand, some philosophy of heart, or a career that just sings to them. This isn’t the case, joy isn’t something we chase, its something that blossoms when we stop chasing. Said differently, because you have such a strong analytical mind, consider that your experiences may be piling up as evidence, whereby you seek to assemble the data into a hypothesis, a cohesive picture of “what is” to predict “where to go” and assemble a vector for growth.

But that doesn’t really work, because the unknown is always blossoming alongside us. The sibs ignoring you, boss at work letting you work 60 hours a week for free, parents dying and so forth. The vectors we create don’t keep us aligned, moving. Instead, finding our dreams is about patience… giving space inside the mind, body, and our life for them to blossom. Said differently, say your partner asks you what you want for dinner. It is a simple thing to access the database of food in your mind. Eat out? Make something? Pros/cons (ease vs broke) OK, make something. Noodles or rice? Chicken or fish? Pros/cons. Etc. However, in the absence of the list, the database accessing, and analyzing each datum, desire has the room to blossom. So, deciding what to do rises as “what is my body in the mood for?”

What some have found is living outside the mind, outside the analyzing, gives a chance for the dreams inside us to blossom. At the small scale, this is like choosing what to eat based on what we feel like eating. At the larger scale, finding our dream is the same… what is your heart calling you to do? People often consider “a calling” some kind of spiritual hibbityjab, and sometimes it is. However, our true calling is just so, the blossoming of desire when we give space for it gives us messages, directions, ideas and visions that we can choose to follow. The analytic force becomes a tool of the desire to keep us from danger (such as a dozen doughnuts for dinner… yum, but eeww). However, as we deepen our emotional intelligence, our empathy for self, our mind and body come into harmony with itself. The body expresses needs and desires, and we make space in the mind for them to be heard, then choose and walk whatever intuition seems brightest.

I guess the long and short is that the question “do we have to have a dream to chase it”, seems erroneously worded. We have to give up the chase in order to hear the whispers of our heartsong, and then there is no dream to chase, because we’re in it.

If you find that your mind is very zippy, bounding along unbridled down every trail and whim, consider taking up a meditation practice. There’s plenty of research on the efficacy of meditation, if your brain needs it I’m sure you know where to find it. For the practice itself, consider looking into a local sangha or meditation center for some instruction. Or, check YouTube for “guided metta meditation” (increase the feeling of inner warmth and stability, the mind becoming more smooth and peaceful) or “guided breath meditation” (increasing the skillfulness at letting thoughts pass as ripples, unchanging the basic emotional state of the body). Considering your feeling of grief, metta might be a great place to start. Sharon Salzburg has a great one on YouTube, if interested.

Finally, remember that living our dream is a matter of patient abiding. More so than accomplishment, accolade, wealth, sensual connection… patience is what allows what we are experiencing to blossom in the mind, space for the puzzle assemble and meet the flow of desire coming from our body, and a direction to jump opens up.

With warmth,
Matt

Godmother,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how dumbfounding a major shift can become. 30 years is a long time to be finding comfort from your career, and it makes sense that you’d be feeling grief. Consider that sometimes we go through a change “forced” on us by circumstances, but often find it is a perfect opportunity for reflection, recalibration, and relaxation. Its tough, because we’re so used to running and running, and often feel agitated and restless. If we can accept that the hermit goes into the cave, not to be isolated, not as punishment or as a result of a mistake… but to get some perspective on her dance, her aims, her feelings, then instead of chasing answers, we can give ourselves space to let those answers blossom.

Merlin is told as going into his crystal cave for reflection, counsel, and recharging. Not as “defeated”, but knowingly, with intention. So are you! From your words, it seems to me what needs recharging is your feeling of playfulness. Perhaps the inner child has been sleeping, dear sister, while you bustled your way along through the stresses. Yet, here you are in the cave, still stressing and seeking and bustling. Consider a different approach.

Cut at the feeling of guilt, for resting, directly. Just see how it doesn’t make sense, and let it go. You have a tender body, dear sister, and it deserves your care, needs it. Of course you need to make space, heal, adjust, and re-aim. Take some time, rest and recoup. Don’t plow through self improvement like a new career to keep you busy while away from your “real home”… do it as a walk through a garden, smelling and seeing beauty. Patiently, with gentleness and pampering. Being self caring is not self indulgence… its being skillful.

Then, slowly, over time… the space you make will light up with joy, and the playfulness can blossom. For me, it was like smacking myself on the forehead with my palm “Ooooh, we’re children! Why do we play such a painful game?” Being an “adult” had come to mean being self sacrificing. For my kids, for my career, for my marriage. However, when we make space to care for ourselves, to know ourselves, we become wise without deadening our playfulness. Said differently, so, you’re feeling a little aimless? Consider just patiently scribbling for awhile, my dear sister, and eventually you’ll find your art. Then your path will be like a dance, instead of a struggle. Effort, sure, but grace, fluidity.

Namaste, dear friend, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt