Losing the little self-esteem and self-respect

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 2 months ago by Francis V.

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October 21, 2013 at 12:46 pm #44081

Courageous
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I have given everything up to make my marriage work for the past few years. I gave and did everything I could to make my husband happy and make our marriage workout but unfortunately it was not enough for him.
After being married for 14 years, I found out that he had been having affairs with for the past 5 to 6 years. I knew that our marriage was not perfect but I never in my wildest imagination thought that he had been this unhappy.
When i found out about his affairs I was so devastated because he even told me that he loved the woman he was seeing at that time. He couldn’t leave her because he cared so much for her. A few weeks later he told me that he wanted to work things out and for me to give him another chance. I agreed and everything was going good. A month later, he said that he couldn’t do this and that he was leaving because he wanted to a fresh start with someone new. At this point, he already had that “someone new” it was a different woman (not the one he loved 1 month or so ago). My thought is that he might have been with this other woman for a while as well and now decided to walk away from our marriage.
He stills wants to be friends and because “I’m his family and he loves me” which is beyond me.
However, I can’t just cut him off no matter how hard I try. I wanted my marriage to workout so bad and I love him that i’m compromising my selfworth and values.
I don’t know how to walk away and move on. I need some advice please.

October 21, 2013 at 1:04 pm #44082

John
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I’m sorry to hear you’re going through so much pain and hardship. You’ve shown so much resilience and stamina putting up with such unhealthy behavior and lies. It’s very admirable.

But, so far, I don’t think this man has done anything that demonstrates that he deserves your friendship and love. Quite the opposite. His actions belittle you, make you doubt yourself, and as you said compromise your self worth and values. Where is the friendship and love there?

His unstable actions, lies, and inconsistency are a whirlpool of pain and suffering. He’s obviously got issues that he needs to resolve, but there’s no need for you to get tangled in it any further. You tried, you took him back, and now he wants to walk away for good. Free yourself of this noose around your neck that’s choking the life out of you. Nothing on the horizon points to the fact that he’s building a strong foundation and you need to take the time to rebuild yours.

Sure, someday you might be friends with him, but that day isn’t today. The wounds are too fresh. They need time to heal. You stand at the threshold of a new and improved you. Leave the baggage behind and start fresh, a new, a clean slate. Any contact with this individual, no matter how seemingly insignificant has the potential to pull you back into despair without you even realizing.

It’s like a taking off a band-aid – it needs one just strong, but painful pull. Be prepared with lots of self-compassion and time to yourself to grieve.

October 21, 2013 at 3:15 pm #44089

Matt
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Courageous,

In addition to Johns pertinent and well aimed compassion, consider that you bet on the wrong horse. You spent all that time trying to make someone happy, and they turned their back on you. Ouch! I’m so sorry it happened that way for you, dear sister. Consider that perhaps from here on out you could turn that love and dedication toward someone more deserving. (Hint: she’s staring back at you in the mirror).

The road of healing is open before you, and I hope you find love and light as you walk it. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

October 21, 2013 at 9:46 pm #44131

Macintosh
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He is unhappy inside, which has nothing to do with you. Parts of him are missing and messed up which is why he felt the need to go outside of the marriage and look elsewhere. It was all about him, not you. You did nothing wrong!!

He can’t be a part of your life anymore, it’ll just hurt you way too much. He’s being selfish by asking to still be involved and be in the family daily life with you.

All this is a process and there’s no rush to get over this. You spent many years invested in him and your marriage so you need to grieve that loss. It takes time, so please do look into counseling to help you cope.

October 23, 2013 at 6:26 am #44224

Courageous
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Thank you so much for your kinds words. I know that the best I can do for myself is to completely cut him off my life. I just need to be strong and do it if I want to start my healing process.
I did not imagine this could be so painful and devastating. One minute I feel just fine that I can move on without him and the next minute i’m feeling a deep pain and desperation that I don’t know what do to.

Thank you all.

October 23, 2013 at 10:23 am #44247

Barbara
Participant

Dear Courageous,

I love Matt’s comment, that the person you can nourish and love now is you. You have probably forgot how deserving you are of your own love. You will be happy again.

The pain is horrible, but at least you know you are loving yourself in letting him go, and doing what you have to do – the only possible thing to do.

Many blessings,
Namaste,
Barbs.

October 24, 2013 at 6:16 am #44285

Francis V
Participant

Hey Courageous,

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through a lot of pain right now. The best thing you can do is to start rebuilding yourself. For now, it will be better if you settle your emotions and heal yourself from the pain and hurt caused by the situation. If you have time, check this article written by my friend Mika on how to start loving yourself.

http://lovingboldly.com/blog/make-self-love-automatic-3-ways-to-start-loving-yourself-today/

and here’s another video that might be applicable on what you are going through
How to Survive an Affair and Forgive a Cheating Spouse> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r1LaoRUdG4

All the best…
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