Good morning readers.

First I wanted to express how much I appreciate the people on this forum. I’ve been reluctant to ask for advice anywhere on the internet for obvious reasons. The community here really is incredible and it’s such a relief to finally be able to put a little of myself out there. I don’t often write, so please excuse any editing mistakes and understand this may look a little jumbled, but I’m really just trying to get through all of these thoughts and stop procrastinating. I’m ready to make some changes in my life and am not sure which resources to utilize and really just wanted to start here and see where things go.

I’ve floated around from job to job largely looking for the balance between comfort and income, always leaning towards comfort. Now in the third decade of my  life, I want so badly to have had made the choices that would have put me in a home, with a family and a career. I was very short-sighted, often emotional and never planned further out than a few months. I have no formal education outside of high school, entry-level experience in my jobs and will have to start from scratch wherever I end up going, and that’s ok.

I avoided looking at my life for far too long and now want to start making the steps to taking control of my life and setting out on a path to creating a life I’m not ashamed of. When I search through my history, my mind and my heart for the answer to what direction I should go, tumbleweeds and a light breeze seem to dominate the mental landscape. I’ve taken more tests and quizzes than I’d ever want to admit, I’ve attempted to profile myself and made a hundred lists. Sometimes one path will sound good only for it to seem childish and short-sighted the next day. I change my mind by the hour, which is largely why I am where I am today. I know that no one here can really extrapolate any more information than I, but perhaps there is a common thread or an alternate way of looking at things that may help.

A brief history: I was never a very good student, I struggled to focus and had a bit of a chip on my shoulder when it came to authority when I was younger. I cheated and did the bare minimum, and I never thought I was smart enough to consider college. I also knew back then that I had no idea what I might want to do, and the commitment seemed absurd without a plan. I floated from freight docks to desk jobs. I  resented the manual labor jobs because I was lazy and the desk jobs because they were boring. Directionless and bitter I sought all of my validation in relationships which would eventually cause them to end. For a short spell, I bartended in a small town and enjoyed it more than most anything else I had tried up to that point. I was finally making enough money to afford luxuries I never thought I’d have, made some friends and it kept me physically busy in a way that left me feeling like I had earned what I took home. I grew up a lot in that time frame, the job, and the town were eventually left behind and I went back to being lost. My work history seemed to hold only a few clues as to what I might find joy in.

Outside of work I largely just wanted to spend time with people. I love talking about ideas, I would talk anyones ear off that wanted to listen and loved absorbing new concepts and points of view. I enjoyed photography for a short time, capturing little moments in time, I liked working out when my mind was in a good place, it felt good to make observable, trackable progress. I often enjoy learning about a new subject and usually find myself obsessivley researching everything there is to do with it before finding the next thing. Space fascinated me most of my life and I’ve always enjoyed talking about nuetron stars, black holes and trying to figure out the truth to why we’re all here. I’ve always been interested in people from a psychological perspective as well, why people do what they do, how our personal histories effect us and what makes us tick. Learning other languages always was intriguing but was always so difficult to stick to one long enough to make progress before another language sounded more interesting or practical.

I’ve asked people what they thought of me so that I could gain some outside perspective.  Answers were things like: kind, soft-spoken, funny, good with people, good listener, empathetic. Most people reccomended jobs in the medical field, teaching or social work, but most just told me I shoud go back to school because regardless of what I should do, I wasn’t living up to my potential.

I guess that leads me to where I am today. I’m looking for the next job and seem to be exclusively looking at low-wage, low-skill warehouse positions. While I understand I haven’t done anything to justify a better job, I’m afraid i’m going into another job that I don’t want, with no prospects for what would be next and this whle cycle is going to perpetuate itself until suicide once again feels like the only way out of the pain, loneliness, and mediocrity. I’m determined to do better this time and I know that even if my next job is something that is not for me I need to have a plan in motion to set up a life worth living.

I’ve made a small list of some of the things I’ve considered in the past and added my concerns for a little extra data.

I’ve thought about picking up a trade-skill, I likely wouldn’t  enjoy the work and am not very handy, but having a practical skill that has a future is appealing, if for no other reason than the stability and the ability to support myself and a famiy. Staying physically active can often be good for a ruminating mind as well.

I’ve considered teaching, I don’t know if I would be a good fit for this or not. I enjoy the idea of talking with people about ideas and helping people who want to learn. Structuring lesson plans and being in front of a group of people all day scares the hell out of me just thinking about it. Something like ESL one on one seems less intimidating but I’m not sure.

Psychology is endlessly fascinating, but I think my love of the subject would have little to do with what a psychologist would practically be doing with clients.

I’ve considred being a mail-carrier, walking, staying busy, listening to podcasts and audiobooks, while having time to yourself sounds wondeful, assuming that’s really what i’d be doing.

Voice acting, I’ve always been told I had a good voice and I’ve always loved stories. With voice technlogy going the way it is I’m sure voice acting is going to be obsolete soon, but I’ve always enjoyed the idea. (I also don’t know if I could stand in a booth alone for hours reading aloud without going crazy). Maybe something with other people though?

Film crews seem like a lot of fun, traveling, nailing that perfect shot and creating something that people would enjoy. I watch things like Blue planet and think of how amazing it must be to get to travel the world, shooting such amazing footage. This just feels like a pipe dream and I know it can be hard on people with depression (Anthony Boudain comes to mind).

Journalism, I don’t often write and rarely for fun, but the idea of getting important trust-worthy stories out into the world often sounds like an important and fulfilling career.

I realize that this is something we all have to discover for ourselves and problems like this are something we all deal with. I know sometimes there is a common thread that isn’t immediately obvious (I’m hoping there’s one here).  If anyone has any personal perspective, opinions, conclusions or maybe even ideas that haven’t been considered, I would be really grateful. Thank you for reading this far and I hope you all have a wonderful day.