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Longing to be loved

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • June 22, 2016 at 9:08 pm #107980
    Candy
    Participant

    Hi, Anita , I’m sharing my story with you.
    Well for starters i’m 21 years old and a sophomore in college. Just like the other guy I go through these feelings of really just wanting to be loved by someone. I have never been the most confident person ever, and I just want someone to see something in me I guess I don’t see myself. I too often compare myself to others, wondering why am I not good enough for someone to want to be in a relationship with me. I didn’t quite have my father growing up, so when I tried researching what was wrong with me I came across something that said I seek male validation because of not having my father. To an certain degree I do agree with it.

    June 23, 2016 at 8:21 am #108018
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ican2:

    I am glad you posted! You tried researching, you wrote, what was wrong with you, why you compare yourself to others, unfavorably, why you feel you are not good enough for someone to want to be in a relationship with you. You figure maybe it has to do with the fact that you didn’t have your father growing up.

    For further insight, and I would like to help you with your quest for insight and understanding, will you share here:

    What was your experience as a child with your father?

    And with your mother?

    anita

    June 23, 2016 at 8:24 am #108019
    Anonymous
    Guest

    ..And one more question: what is your history as far as relationships so far?
    anita

    June 23, 2016 at 10:31 am #108027
    Candy
    Participant

    Growing up my father was around for a while, but then he went away and now he’s married with a whole other family. He wasn’t around to teach me things or talk to me about things as I got older.
    I grew up with my mom, we’re pretty close. Other than not having my father around I had a pretty decent childhood.
    As far as relationships, I had one back in high school, which up until sometime recently the guy would still call to check up on me. Other than that I haven’t been in a committed relationship.
    I meet guys all the time at school, but nothing lasts.

    June 23, 2016 at 11:01 am #108041
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ican2:

    You are pretty young. And I believe you can, too (“ican2) be in a loving committed relationship. The beliefs you have of course, are not and will not help in the quest of a loving committed relationship.

    Please tell me more about the nature of the close relationship with your mother: is it like girlfriends relationship where you share everything with each other, like best friends?

    (Will be back in a few hours to read and reply to your answer, if you answer.)

    anita

    June 23, 2016 at 4:10 pm #108045
    Candy
    Participant

    I don’t really open up a lot to my mom about dating. I usually will talk to my sister about that.

    June 23, 2016 at 8:48 pm #108080
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ican2:

    I asked you about your relationship with your mother because I am under the impression that if you had a good relationship with one of your parents, just one, as a child and growing up, then it will be enough to make you feel lovable and to not wonder, as you wrote: “why am I not good enough for someone to want to be in a relationship with me.”

    In your question which I quoted above, you assume that others wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with you. Why is that? Why do you think they don’t?

    anita

    June 23, 2016 at 11:26 pm #108091
    Candy
    Participant

    I may not have the right qualities

    June 24, 2016 at 12:59 am #108092
    Candy
    Participant

    Do you know how there are those individuals who are single and it doesn’t bother them?
    Single individuals who are not in a rush?
    Then there are individuals like myself, desperate to find love.
    Would you happen to have any idea why that may be?
    Why am I not content with myself?

    Instead of me living my life as a young college student, I lay in my bed at night and cry because I don’t have what I see others have.

    June 24, 2016 at 8:14 am #108101
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ican2:

    You asked why you are desperate for someone to love you while some others are not desperate. My answer is: some others are already loved and you are not. There are others that have the loving support they need to not feel desperately alone. They have someone that likes them, shows empathy to them, tells them they are okay; that it is okay to feel what they feel, to think what they think. That gives them that okay feeling that makes them calm.

    On the other hands, other people (lots of people, really) don’t have that so they don’t feel okay. Without that okay they cannot be calm. So they are desperate for that I-am-okay feeling and … desperately yearn for it, long for it, daydream about it, imagine it at any turn, hope for it and can’t be quiet, calm until they find it.

    Did I answer your question? let me know.

    anita

    June 24, 2016 at 9:57 am #108113
    Candy
    Participant

    Yes, you did.

    June 24, 2016 at 10:17 am #108115
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ican2:

    Let me know if there is anything I can try to do here to help you.

    anita

    June 24, 2016 at 11:17 am #108120
    Candy
    Participant

    What do you think I can do in the mean time to not have such strong feelings about it?

    June 24, 2016 at 11:34 am #108121
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ican2:

    To not have such strong desire to be loved, a desperation, you need to be loved. There is no way to need love less intensely other than to get love. But not from where you are looking, not necessarily. This is what I mean:

    You need to be loved, to feel that you are okay- this way you will be calmer and not desperate. One way to get this love is in psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist. When a therapist listens to you, really hears you and responds like he heard you and like your feelings matter, like what you think makes sense, then you feel loved. Therapy does take some time. If you have the means, if can afford it, and/ or find low cost, maybe even free psychotherapy, that will be the best way for you to go about getting the love you so desperately need.

    Other places can be maybe joining a .. sport team or activity, an acting class perhaps, with a coach who will love you as a professional, a coach, or a leader of the activity

    There are also support groups for young people.

    The place to not try to get this love, at this point, is boyfriends. Another place to not try to get this love is from your parents because they failed you and they had many chances to deliver what they didn’t deliver: love, that okay feeling.

    Please do post again:

    anita

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