Dear ajs88:
Do you have children? They are to consider on the subject of breaking up…

Not considering children, it seems to me that you believe that you are protecting him from financial disaster and greater depression IF you broke up with him, if you separated. But this may not be so at all. It very well may be that your disapproval of him encourages his depression, keeps it in place. It could be that he (secretly) wishes you did break up with him. It could be that she is afraid for your well being if he broke up with you… I don’t know. The thing is I don’t need to know because i am not involved with him. But do you know or are you locked in your assumptions, your current perspective? Are you attached to your understanding as it currently is that you are not open to SEE what is real? Not open to see the bigger perspective? What if he loves and needs you AND he would be better off separated from you?

What if when separated, without the extra distress he is likely feeling KNOWING YOU DISAPPROVE OF HIM, what if he gets energized and get his life together?

I hope you take care of yourself and as you do that- he will take care of yourself.

You obviously TRIED very hard and for a long, long time to NOT feel angry at him for not working and for being passive in face of your financial problems. You tried but the anger and resentment keep coming back. What if you honor your feelings and separate from him?

Your sacrifice is hurting you… and it probably hurts him too. No win-lose or lose-win relationship is a good idea. Stick to win-win and life will be as good as it gets.

Take care:
anita

I was married to a traveling, full time musician for 5 years (together 9 years total) I have a full time, salary job and know the feelings of resentment very well. Reading this in fact brought back much pain for me, and a heart of empathy for you. I was the “supportive wife” for a long time. I remember the resentment of watching him be passed out in bed after a night of playing music and drinking, while I was up getting ready for a day of work. Things for us dissolved and broke for many reasons other than just money but for my heart a large part of that was money. Working your butt off and giving someone all the money you make w/ nothing in return can be disastrous on your life.

I will tell you this, when we started going to counseling I voiced to her that I felt like I couldn’t leave my relationship because he wouldn’t be able to support himself. Do you know what she said to me? He is an adult. It is the same thing I would say to you. You are married to an adult. Just like you have been an adult and working, he is also capable of working and supporting himself if need be. I am a people-pleaser and it was very hard for me to finally wrap my mind around that. She also gave me the scenario of “what if you died, what would he do then?” That made me really think. You aren’t doing him any favors by supporting him fully. He is an adult and at some point he can’t depend on you.

You are loved and deserve the best that life can offer. I think that this situation is really hard and I am proud of the hard work you have been doing. I think it was smart of you to voice those issues to him and I wish I knew how to help your resentment. Honestly, only time can heal and tell.

=)