Forgive me for the long post. But I would like to share my long history of suffering and how I came to Buddha.

1940’s
My grandfather, 8 years old at the time was abandoned and left to fend for himself. Living in a tent and surviving on his own.

1950’s
9 years later my now emotionally damaged grandfather met my grandmother who was 14 at the time. He “rescues” her from an alcoholic home like a knight in shining armor. They got married and had two daughters (my aunt and my mother). Unfortunately this “knight in shining armor” was and still is a very very mean and angry man. He verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abused my grandmother, my aunt, and my mother. To this day my grandmother is broken and afraid to leave the house.

1970’s
My mother meets my father (her highschool sweetheart) and rushes to get married so she could get out of the house fast. A few years later, I am born. A male who happens to look just like my grandfather (lucky me)…

This was a turning point in my mother’s life. She is finally out of her abusive household! Better yet, she now has a victim of her very own as compensation for all the years of abuse and feelings of being powerless.

Hello world, here I am… My soul purpose in life to be nothing more than an emotional punching bag. Since then, I endured horrendous and relentless emotional/psychological abuse at the hands of my mother. I was locked away and isolated for days at a time with no stimulation. I was constantly ridiculed, yelled at, cursed, scowled at, mocked. I vaguely remember being given sleeping pills during the day when my abuser did not feel like being a “mother”. The worst of all was the gaslighting and psychological abuse. To be invalidated, not allowed your own emotions, made to question your own sanity during your formative years can damage a child for a lifetime.

1995
I left my family for another long, rocky, and lonely road.

2000s
I am now am man in my 30s and was still damaged and scared horribly. No wife, no kids, no family of my own. My sense of self worth was shredded to pieces after all I endured. I was suffering from PTSD (diagnosed), panic attacks, loneliness, isolation, depression, nightmares, lack of trust, insomnia, inability to bond with others and the list goes on and on. The worst of all, I did not love myself. And so my journey to help myself began.

-I spent a decade in and out of expensive therapy in efforts to “fix” myself.
-I literaly refused the professional advice to take a pill to solve all my life’s problems
-I gave up every bad habit I could think of
-I started really taking care of my health and eating healthy
-I began exercising daily (still jog 3 miles in the morning, walk 2 in the evening)
-I read every self help book I could get my hands on.
-I started joining every self-help support group in my area

After all was said and done, I WAS STILL LOST AND HAD A FEELING SOMETHING WAS MISSING!!! Little did I know that something missing was myself, love for myself, and compassion. With that, I needed nothing else.

2013
My job relocated me to a new territory. After my move, I began to REALLY feel extremely isolated and hopeless. I ended up in a very deep and dark hole. When I was at my worst, I found out I lived only a 35 minutes drive from Thich Nhat Hanh’s deer park monastery. I started to attend days of mindfulness every weekend and listening to dharma talks. I started walking meditation, sitting meditation, mindful eating.

I learned about the beautiful lotus growing from the muddy and dirty water. I learned about living in the here and now rather than the past or future. I learned to stop wishing for salvation and stop running from my suffering. I learned about taking responsibility for my own joy and happiness rather than expecting it from external sources. Most importantly, I learned you can not have happiness and joy without suffering. Just as you can not have a rainbow without rain.

I am not perfect and still have some rough days, but I am suffering less through mindfulness. I see myself as a work in progress and remind myself to stay mindful all day, every day. Most importantly, I am able to breath and know the long cycle of abuse ended with me.

Peace, love, happiness, mindfulness, and compassion. Namaste!

• This topic was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by D.