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Long Distance Relationship Woes

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  • January 1, 2015 at 8:49 am #70088
    Kristin
    Participant

    I should preface this by saying that my problem does not lie within my relationship with my significant other, but, rather, my family.

    To make a long story short, I met my boyfriend on Tinder (yikes! I know!) this past spring. We decided to cut things off after a couple dates even though things were going seemingly well because we knew that he would be moving out of state by the summer. Got into another relationship and got out of it when it turned extremely sour. Started talking to my now boyfriend again and sparks were flying. We decided to make it official, and things have been wonderful ever since. We have now been together for nearly 5 months, during which I have visited him twice, and he is planning on visiting at the end of the month. Not only are we extremely happy in our relationship and very much in love, but we are best friends. I could not ask for more in a significant other and I can see myself being with him for a long time coming. Right now, it is looking as if he will be moving back to his home state where I live by April.

    So on to the family issues…

    My parents are extremely critical of my relationship. They are very bothered by the fact that I have made two trips out to see him, and he has yet to visit. I am completely comfortable in the fact that I have visited him these two times because 1) as a student with a part-time job I had more flexibility than him to travel 2) at the time, I was more financially able to make the trips to see him 3) he made sure that I barely had to spend a dime during my entire visit. They have yet to meet my boyfriend (which I am sure adds to their concern), but they are making a lot of harsh judgements on him and our relationship due to my past experience with men. The comments they make about me being “clueless”, “taken advantage of”, “inexperienced”, or mocking my love are extremely hurtful. They have gone so far as to dismiss my relationship with him, telling me that he is not really my boyfriend and to tell me to break up with him to be with someone closer. I can see myself building a future with this man and would like for my parents to be accepting of him, but I don’t know if that will ever be a possibility.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation that has any advice?

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Kristin.
    January 1, 2015 at 10:20 am #70094
    Staples 400
    Participant

    I’ll relay my experiences. Hopefully they can help.
    I’ve been married for 14+ years. I have 3 kids from my marriage. My wife and I met online and married after 6 months of knowing each other. At the time we met, I lived on the West Coast and she lived on the East Coast. Before we married, we probably saw each other 2 or 3 times and spent very little time together. We are currently on the verge of divorce and have been so for quite a few years now.
    When my wife and I met, we were head over heels for each other. We both had people in our lives that tried to give us advice to slow things down but we did not take any of their advice. We saw those individuals as hindrances to our “plan”. Because it was difficult maintaining a long distance relationship with each other, we rushed into marriage, ill prepared, with very little knowledge about each other. I’m cautioning you to not make the mistakes we made.
    If there are people in your life that love you and want the best for you, don’t be afraid to factor in their advice even if it puts at risk the thing you want the most. Our hearts are deceitful and cannot be trusted. The same heart that causes a man to fall in love with a woman and marry her is the same heart that will cause him to fall in love with another woman and cheat on his wife. Sometimes we need people who are outside the influence of a heart in love to help us make sound relationship choices.
    If you really want to gauge whether or not you and this fellow can make it, then someone has to move. If my wife and I had perhaps spent more time together to delve into each other at a deeper level, we could have avoided some challenges we faced today.

    January 1, 2015 at 12:45 pm #70096
    Kristin
    Participant

    Staples 400,

    Thank you for your response. It is insightful to hear the story of someone who was in similar shoes as me currently. I am strongly against getting married until I have spent a significant amount of time with anyone. I have seen too much pain in my parent’s marriage for that. I am hoping that once my s/o moves back (as he claims), we can truly see how compatible we are as a couple. I love him dearly, but I do realize that things in relationships can pop up that can be deal breakers. We are trying to approach our relationship responsibly at this point although we do talk of our future together often.

    Do you have any recommendations as to how to respectfully address things with my family? As you said, I do value their opinions and I can see their cause for concern, but I feel as though they have made some harsh judgements before even meeting my boyfriend.

    January 1, 2015 at 3:00 pm #70100
    Staples 400
    Participant

    Hi Kristen.

    I’m glad to hear that you are taking it slowly. I suggest you relay this to your family. Let them know that even though you have feelings for your BF, you still have your senses and wit. Just reassure them. If I were your father, I’d love to meet your BF and shake his hand for myself. Maybe even take him to the gun range lol (I’ve told my girls that this is my first “date” with their BFs). Remember, your family, specifically your parents have a whole lot invested into you. They have poured into you all your life. If they weren’t giving you a hard time, you should be worried 🙂
    It is also good for your BF to understand that your Family loves you deeply. This is a good deterrent for a specific type of guy that you can encounter during long distance relationships.
    HTH.

    January 2, 2015 at 10:12 am #70118
    Koala17
    Participant

    Dear Kristin, firstly, always remember that your parents love you, and only want the best for you. While you may easily be able to sustain a long distance relationship, in my experience, men very often cannot. If you are both equally wanting to commit to this relationship, one of you will need to move. If this guy really loves you as much as you love him, let him prove it by moving to be closer to you. Relationships are give and take, do not let the scales tip one way. Good luck sweetheart.

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