Anne,

The one thing I have learned through my journey dealing with my most recent break up. Is that we can not control or dictate what another person should feel or think. He is his own person entitled to his own thoughts, beliefs and feelings. If you care about him and love him, you do so with the respect for this fact. The pain and grief we feel, we are causing ourselves. It is from continuing to see things from our own point of view, and being disappointed our expectations of another person were not met. Instead of seeing things objectively, which is difficult when emotion is involved. Allow yourself the opportunity to grieve the loss. Grief is not like a stair case where you move from one to the next than you are done. It is like an out of control roller coaster, it will stop when it is ready to. Im just offering an alternate perspective that some of your current feelings may be coming from a selfish place of expectation. Something you certainly have the control over in your mind to adjust, into a move open and understanding perspective.

Relationships work based on three factors in my opinion. Timing, opportunity and choices. If all three arent aligned just right, the imbalance will ultimately take its toll. In your post you make a lot of value judgement. Thinking his actions to be ridiculous based on what you perceive to where his feelings for you should be. You have to understand that as a different person his reality is different than yours. That’s the difficult part of relating to other humans, is that simply we do not all exist in the same reality. His reactions to certain things, are going to be different than ours, and that’s OK. With that said, his reactions are his own, and he needs to own them and be accountable for them, not attempt to blame their cause on someone else, or circumstances.

I understand your feelings, you were very attached to this person, you felt him to be “the one,” someone something might have worked long term with. You had your future hopes and dreams tied up with this person. Often its our inability to let go of this and fear of never finding that “connection” again, that causes us to be stuck the most. So really it has little to do with who he was, but more what he was to you. You say you have tried all you can to help him solve his dilemma. Giving him advice, giving him strength, motivation, knocking sense into him. In essence you were trying to change him, and the way he thinks. A lot of the things you were trying to do, arent for you do to. Its not your job to be his cheerleader, or his therapist. If he cant find the strength and courage on his own to make it through life challenges and stay committed for himself. Little you do to influence him will matter. Its common to want to control the situation, especially if our wants and needs are on the line. We make this mistake time and time again, I have. Instead we should just being there to support and be understanding of what he was going through. Letting him know no matter where he ends up with his decision you will respect it because you love him and ultimately also want what he feels is best for him. I think putting those feelings out there will open up opportunity, rather than make our spouses feel worse and guilty.

A lot of people *think* they can handle a situation or want to do the work it takes to be in a relationship. However, when the moment comes for them to put their money where their mouth is. The tough reality that it was just hopes and potential becomes clear. Unfortunately hope and potential arent good foundations to build on. Its like trying to build a skyscraper on top of a marsh. Every floor you build up, causes one to sink below the water. Most people when faced with a reality they convinced themselves they could deal with becomes present they freak out about their inability to cope and simply take the easy way out. You arent one to run from your emotions, neither am I. So its hard for us to place into our frame of reference how people could feel this be the best solution. Its no doubt selfish, but it is their prerogative and probably stems from deeper issues, they are going to have to figure out and fix for themselves. It says more about them and their emotional maturity than it does about us, our worth, or what we meant to them. If anything we should attempt to be empathetic, that they are suffering from such paralyzing and debilitating fear and anxiety. Its controlling their lives. Empathy is the cure for lingering resentment and anger moving forward.

To offer a perspective on healing that helped me. Instead of thinking “did he ever care at all? if he could just leave so easily?” tell yourself, “he cared about me as much as someone like him could.” Instead of thinking “I dont understand why he acted like this or wasnt willing to make sacrifices and be there for me” tell yourself, “I wasnt getting the type of person I needed for this relationship to work, he is his own person entitled to his own wants, thoughts and beliefs, that doesnt make him a bad person, just a bad fit for me.”

Its difficult to not allow ourselves to get stuck on all the over the top statements they made to us that made us feel they truly cared and were on board beyond question. We play them like a broken record over and over and they haunt our dreams. However, look at his actions. Did what he do, what he said? Did his action make you feel the way his words did? We have a saying here in the US, talk is cheap, or my favorite, better well done than well said. If you look back Im sure you can find examples that it did not. Focus on his actions, not his words.

Moreso, take personal inventory of this relationship, what about yourself allowed you to get involved in a situation like this? Look at your part in whatever conflict arose. I see you put a lot of responsibility on him, and his anxiety, inability to cope. However, if a relationship doesn’t work out, its ultimately because there was an unhealthy dynamic influenced by both sides. So what was your part? Im not saying beat yourself up, or feel like it was all your fault some how. Avoid the finger pointing game, because as I have said, you cant control him, you can only control yourself. To walk away from this feeling empowered, its important to not think of it as a failure but as a learning lesson. What did you learn about yourself and how you interact in relationships like this? what things do you take accountability for? what things do you wish to change the next go around? You’ll find doing this reflection will return your power, and free you from being stuck. It will make you a more emotionally healthy person, ready to move onto a healthier relationship. Where you will be in a better place to recognize red flags about someones personality and their ability to stay committed or what their true intentions are early on before allowing yourself to become invested. Im sure there were things about this guy that gave you a heads up early on, there always are. We just choose to ignore them, asking yourself why? is another really important question if you find this to be the case.

Like you said, nothing is impossible if you are both willing to do the work work. Sounds like he isn’t willing to or incapable of contributing his half like he needs to, and you can never change that about him. So appreciate it for what it is was, appreciate the good times and understand the bad were necessary for growth within yourself. Go forward and find someone truly willing and emotionally ready to do the hard work it takes to make it last, and get yourself in a place where you can return the same.

-Chad

• This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Chad.