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Long Distance and Distant

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  • July 25, 2013 at 4:44 am #39155
    Brad
    Participant

    Hello,
    This is my first time on the fourms. Hope this works. I have been in a 3 year relationship. The first year wasnt that bad. The second year was horrible. We actually went through 3 break ups that year. After my mom passed away in Janurary, my GF reached out to me about getting back together. This was during a time we were broken up and I had decided not to contact her anymore. I need of love and support, I took her up on her offer, but at the same time i doubted her motives but decided to give it a try. We are now long distance, I moved to another state and she is back in my homestate. From when we first got back together, until now I just noticed a diffrence. Its like somthing is missing.. We dont skype anymore, sex has changed, no more picutres, all texts and phone conversations seem generic, our work scheduals are different so we bareley talk on the phone. Im also building a small business so trips to see her and take her out on dates ect. are a huge strain on me. When i need to be investing and saving. Also she was supposed to move here with me next year, but she has been putting things off, hasent been making plans or following up with me, and even applying to jobs in our homestate verses my current state. I have adjusted my lease to accomodate her, and now it seems like she dosent want to come anymore. Being in a new area with limited family, friends and no roomate can get very lonley. Its become harder and harder to be engaged in this relationship because im not getting the things i need to be successful. She does not like confrontation, im usually the first person to bring up the obvious, or challenge us to do better.. It gets old when your the main one, reaching out, denying your dissapointment, and still putting yourself out there. There is no true improvement.. just stepping it up for 2-3 weeks and when i stop mentioning it, its back to the basics. I have been through alot these past few years, esp losing my mom. Im at a point in my life where i would like to be sure about everything in my life. To continue or walk away from her would be hard but if it is for my betterment I will be happy. Any help/advice would be great. Please keep me in your thoughts/prayers as my love life is a big componet to my life. Peace and blessings to ALL.Tiny Buddah is the best.Thank you guys!

    July 25, 2013 at 10:48 am #39192
    Matt
    Participant

    Brad,

    Have you spoken to her about your concerns about distance between you? What does she have to say? You mentioned you doubt her motives, what motives are you afraid of?

    Intimacy takes work from both sides, and will spin out of control without mutual investment. It sounds like some spinning is going on, where you only feel like you’re connected when you’re investing the effort. If you don’t talk to her about it, you’ll never really know what she has to say about it and simply guess and fantasize.

    That being said, our journey is like a fertile field, and it is always up to us to prepare the soil, implant it with our desires, then nourish it. Said differently, some hearts are more fertile than others, and if you’re not being nourished by your efforts (always giving and never receiving) then perhaps it just isn’t a good fit. There also might be something else going on from her side that has decreased her belief in the union, and that with some patient tending of weeds, the blooms will return.

    Without knowing her thoughts, wishes, hopes and dreams, you’ll never know!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 25, 2013 at 2:49 pm #39206
    Christina
    Participant

    Brad, I’m sorry for what you are going through. I think you are very sensitive and you have a good heart. I can read how much this situation is getting you down. You are working hard for your job (cross finger for your business) and you are doing more than “the standard” for your girl. What you are doing is love. What she is doing isn’t, at least this is what it seems. You are doing more than the best you can to make things work, but it doesn’t make you happy. From what I’ve read, you seem to be someone that need love, a true one.
    I dont’ want to sound rude, but you should let her go. Being alone is hard. Very hard. But I think letting a relationship drains your heart is worst.
    You have an amazing heart. I hope that if you let your heart free from her, it will be fill with the right love soon. I don’t have very much to say, I just want to wish you the best. You need a rainbow after all these storms.

    July 27, 2013 at 8:59 am #39285
    Laney A.
    Participant

    Brad, this is the bottom line for me – your basic, fundamental needs within a relationship are not being met. My opinion, is that it’s time to move on. As Christina said, being alone is very hard, and this is true. But if you look at it, you already are, and it seems you are thriving. You moved away from your home state – I would cut the last tie.

    Also, I can’t not mention this. I’m sorry your mother passed away, and, as I continued to read your post, it struck me as very odd that your ex-girlfriend decides to try to get back together at that very emotional and vulnerable moment in your life. She could have given you love and support without the added emotional weight of getting back together with you. I find this act extremely manipulative on her part. I obviously don’t know what her motives and intentions were, but to me, it’s a red flag.

    Take care…. I hope all works out for you.

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