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Living with regret

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  • #55404
    Sab
    Participant

    Before I start, I want to say how useful Tiny Buddha has been as a resource. I’ve discovered a lot of things that never would have crossed my mind before visiting this website. I just want to preface this with some of the anxiety/guilt I feel for using these forums to cope. As someone who has struggled with social anxiety and the resulting loneliness and depression for years now, I know using an online community isn’t the solution to my issues. I hope it can become a starting point to get me on the right path.

    I’d like to tell my story. Forewarning… it’s going to be wordy!

    Summary: Struggled with social anxiety most of my life. Having a hard time letting go/not dwelling on the regrets of what I’ve missed out on or the mistakes I made.

    I recall my social anxiety starting around ages 9-10. I grew out of wetting the bed at a much later age, around age 11-13 if I remember correctly. Wetting the bed kept me away from going on school camp trips, it caused me to face ridicule for having to wear pullups at someone else’s house but even at my own home. My thoughts were consumed by the embarrassment of peeing myself and that kept me from participating in events I would have enjoyed.

    On top of wetting the bed, I was always a little overweight as a kid up until my teenage years. I don’t remember being specifically made fun of, but I do remember being uncomfortable with how I looked. Adding to all this, I was the younger brother in the family so I took the bullying from my brother and his friends. Given the other issues I had to confront I think bullying just added to the feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment.

    So what happened as I grew older? I was already naturally shy and introverted. It just got worse. I closed myself off. I lost friends from elementary school to middle school; some by circumstances, others by my inability to develop deep friendships. I spent middle school hanging out with anyone I could, even if they didn’t match who I was or what my values were. That’s when I started to feel what it meant to be lonely. I started HS a shy, insecure kid without any deep friendships. Yet, I had lots of opportunities to turn the corner. I played on the HS soccer team and started to develop confidence through sports. Teachers in 8th grade suggested I take Honors/AP classes in HS, but I declined. I still was lacking deep friendships. By my sophomore year, I was playing soccer and golf. I recall sophomore year being a happy year for me. I still lacked friendships and didn’t fill my life with a lot of meaningful things outside of sports.

    Things took a turn for the worse after sophomore year. I found solace in video games and pornography. They filled the void of not having real friendships or relationships. But they worsened my anxiety, depression, and loneliness. I gave up the things that I worked at before like sports and school. I went from turning a corner in soccer sophomore year to basically quitting junior year. I held on to golf but didn’t put anything into the game and played mostly in fear of embarrassment and not being good enough. I avoided hanging out with the friends I did have, I didn’t even attempt or consider going to balls or proms. I graduated HS with no ambitions and grades that got progressively worse each year of high school. Fortunately, I still hung on to some hope. Despite the passing thoughts of ending my life, I carried on to junior college still consumed by anxiety and loneliness.

    I let college consume me, partly to give myself a distraction from my lacking social life. I succeeded in that aspect as I completed junior college and transferred to a good university after 2 years. Yet I let opportunities pass for friendships and achievements. I was invited to participate in a research conference to present a project I did in junior college, but declined. I made some friends in my classes, but that was the extent. I didn’t try to develop those friendships.

    After I quit playing soccer my senior year of HS, I started to gain weight quickly. Being highly inactive playing video games coupled with a crappy diet, I started to dislike how I looked. Fortunately, I decided to make a change and put emphasis on exercise and eating healthy. I lost weight and started to have some confidence with who I was. I entered university with a desire to get involved and make friends. I did see some growth in that aspect. I tried to play on club sports teams but either didn’t make the team or eventually didn’t follow through. I made friends through my living mates. This helped slowly break down walls I built for myself to protect myself from being vulnerable. Yet I still had a lot of issues with social anxiety. Not having many friends and having no relationships up until that point made it hard for me to open up to people. I lied when people tried to figure out if I was a virgin — which I was until my senior year of college. I didn’t assert myself or try and be proactive about doing things.

    I finished university with some confidence and some better friendships, but I still struggled with anxiety and loneliness. I still didn’t have a purpose or fulfilling friendships or relationships. After a year living and working at home, I moved out-of-state to attend graduate school where a friend was going. Initially after the move I still struggled with loneliness and anxiety. I found living with my friend to be toxic, no fault of his own, but being around him and his GF just intensified the loneliness I was feeling. Then came another opportunity for me to turn a corner. I got an internship in a field that I would truly love to find a career in. Not only did I find a purpose in work, I met a girl through the internship that I fell deeply in love with. Yet, I let my social anxiety and some other poor decisions strain both those opportunities.

    I didn’t make the girl I loved feel loved and wanted. I didn’t expose myself because I was afraid I wouldn’t be good enough. I struggled to communicate because I was afraid of being rejected. Truthfully, I don’t think I knew how to care for a girl properly. I never experienced an expression of true love like I did with her (outside of my parents unconditional support). I struggled to release the fear of judgement of what others might think. This was made worse by us being coworkers as well.

    The internship started great and I enjoyed every aspect of it. I did however struggle with the fact that my friend applied to for one of two positions and didn’t get selected. I felt some guilt in beating him out for one of the positions. This added to the social anxiety of working the internship and having the relationship with someone from work. This was a friend who asked me to try out for the golf team in high school. I most likely never would have been involved with the game if it wasn’t for him. I really struggled with the thought of not wanting to seem “better than him” by enjoying the internship and finding a girl I really liked.

    Throughout the internship, which was full time plus some evenings and weekends, I held on to a part-time job I worked when I could. Initially, this was fine. The extra money was going to help finish paying for graduate school. During the middle of the internship when I was on summer break from school, I was offered to stay on for 2 extra months, but it was during school. I accepted the offer. Once school started, I attempted to maintain 3 graduate classes, 40+ hours at the internship and working weekends at the part-time job. I still had to fit personal needs and my relationship in there — I overwhelmed myself. I lost track of exercising and eating right which helped with confidence and anxiety. My relationship deteriorated quickly, although I had some red flag behavior early on. I ended the internship not on the best terms and missed out on a potential job opportunity.

    Now I’m left with nothing. I lost my relationship and the opportunity for a job I found meaningful. I’m left feeling the depression, anxiety, and loneliness I’ve struggled with most of my life. I feel abandoned, rejected, and not good enough. I’m really disappointed that in a life full of regrets, I created more that I have to work through.

    Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. It’s appreciated.

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Sab.
    #55416
    Nia
    Participant

    Reading your story (yup, top to bottom) made my think of myself, and from one individual to another- I wanted you to know that you have my empathy and love.
    Although I can’t offer you any truly helpful advice to aid in your situation I hope with all my being that you end up on top and find peace and happiness within yourself.
    I’m rooting for you.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Nia.
    #55459
    john mcguinness
    Participant

    hi.i was blown away by how closely your experiences mirror my own.I happened upon this website only minutes ago,i read your story and had to reply to you.try to be more gentle with yourself,im 55 years old and its only in the past couple of years that i have been able to do this.we all make mistakes,but the fact that you have written this story shows your hurting,and if your hurting il bet your a good person with a very sensitive nature.

    #55500
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Dear Stephen,

    I was thinking this morning how our problems so often seem to stem from our inability to cope with painful things and the subsequent avoidance of those situations, to a point where we create all kinds of coping mechanisms that end up making our own lives very difficult. What is painful for you is a bit different from what I find painful, but the end results seem to be similar.

    Feeling as if you are left with nothing can be a blessing in disguise. That is when you are left with no other choice than to start working on the original problem. Having to face the reality is really scary and painful, but once you get through it, everything changes. I agree with you, that the solution is found from amongst actual people and not online. If you are living in a city, there’s a very good chance that there can be support groups for those who suffer from social anxiety. When I felt like I had lost everything couple of years ago, I was kind of forced to join a support group (I really didn’t want to) and it ended up being a really healing experience. To be forced to open up in front of other people in a safe setting was really life changing. Nothing bad happened. I survived, and so should you 🙂

    The road is winding and there will be breakthroughs and setbacks. Looking back, I think that the setbacks, for me, came after the breakthroughs as I felt too sure that I had changed overnight and then slipped back to my old habits. Things do not change overnight, but it is a bit of a rush to break down some old walls and let the sunshine in. It does require a lot of courage, but the rewards are tremendous.

    I would advice you to be smart about it. Support groups usually have rules, which makes them safe places. When I got a bit too excited about opening up, I ended up opening up to people who didn’t react to it in a good way. It didn’t end up doing too much damage, and I did learn to be a bit more discerning with what kind of people to socialize with. Or rather, having kind of “tiers” with different kinds of people: some would see more of me than others. In you, just like in everyone else, is this unique, extremely beautiful soul, that everyone wants to see. To have a connection with another vulnerable being is what intimacy is all about, and we all want it, we all crave it, but not everyone are able to handle it. So be wise and take baby steps, but do take those steps. It is scary and can be painful, but it is all very, very rewarding.

    #55514
    Sab
    Participant

    Thanks everyone for the kind words and insights. I wouldn’t wish these ills on anyone, but with struggle comes connection in our world.

    our problems so often seem to stem from our inability to cope with painful things and the subsequent avoidance of those situations, to a point where we create all kinds of coping mechanisms that end up making our own lives very difficult.

    Nothing could be more true. I’ve spent my lifetime trying to justify why I should avoid certain things only because they’re painful for me to cope with. Yet they’re the very things I desire most. Now I have to face the struggle of creating the life I desire while in the wake of the actual life I’ve had.

    It’s the unfortunate side of life that I had to achieve happiness and then lose it to realize I have some underlying issues that have gone unrecognized for too long. The fact that I’m starting to put together patterns in my experiences and thoughts is securing to me. The challenge lies in making the effort to change the patterns/thoughts that have caused me to make my life difficult.

    To have a connection with another vulnerable being is what intimacy is all about, and we all want it, we all crave it, but not everyone are able to handle it. So be wise and take baby steps, but do take those steps. It is scary and can be painful, but it is all very, very rewarding.

    Another point that really sticks out to me. It’s amazing how the power of intimacy and closeness can melt away anxiety, depression and fears. It takes effort, exposure even if its painful, and consistency. My happiest moments in life, although few and far in between, have resulted in reduced anxiety and depression. A clearer mind and some sense of purpose. Yet, even with all that, I still couldn’t handle or cope with the intimacy properly. I’ve experienced connections clouded by anxiety.

    #55660
    Laura
    Participant

    Dear Stephen:

    “I didn’t make the girl I loved feel loved and wanted. I didn’t expose myself because I was afraid I wouldn’t be good enough.”

    I find that regret is the most paralyzing emotion – and something that we wrestle with, particularly when it comes to relationships in which we feel we ruined, when the other person does not want to give you a second chance, when you are still left wondering everyday that they must think of you as often as you think of them.

    A year ago on May 9th, I lost the love of my life forever. Nearly a year later – it somehow plays in my head as if it happened yesterday. I watched him slam the door on our apartment, and I knew I had been painted in a corner. My own anxiety and depression led me to keep things inside, secrets, and slowly a wall was built in between us so thick that we could no longer see each other. My own anxiety and need for reassurance or praise clouded my head so badly that I could not even notice that he saw right though me. And anytime he tried to get me to open up, I would convince myself that he was the enemy. We were no longer a team working together – we had become opponents working against each other.

    No matter what, I thought that we would find a way through the darkness. Our love was unconditional, in many ways, and we had been together for so long that I always felt no matter how dark things got for me, he would be there.

    But once he walked out that door on May 9th, he never looked back.

    I am still, in many ways, struggling with the end of this relationship. I go into periods of self-loathing. I could have eaten more so he didn’t have to sleep next to a frail girl with her bones nearly coming out of her skin. I could have spent that 4th of July with the persona who loved me instead of getting on a bus to a concert by myself. I could have made him feel like #1 more often. But the truth is, I was so focused on my distorted self-image that i was blinded to the fact that I was pulling away, physically and emotionally.

    Although I struggle, I have learned (through ebbs and flows) that the universe has a way of showing you what rock bottom really looks like – when you are truly alone and forced to face yourself – in order to demonstrate that you are capable of picking yourself up again. It’s nearly impossible to see through the fog now, I know that all too well. But I promise you that this too shall pass. New opportunities will open up, and a new love will come into your life. And you will make it your life mission to rectify the mistakes you feel that you have made by doing what’s right for you, step by step, day by day.

    Steve refused to talk to me after the day he left – it was almost as if he was fed up with me. I wonder how he was never able to look back when I ruminate over the whole thing. But what I do promise myself is that I will never take anyone for granted again, I will move ahead and fix everything I did wrong to Steve by doing everything right with those that are with me. And the next person who loves me like he did will never have to experience the pain that he did, because I will only act with love and compassion.

    Endings in life are the world’s way of showing you that all positive change is proceeded by chaos. One day, you will see. I promise.

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