Reading your story (yup, top to bottom) made my think of myself, and from one individual to another- I wanted you to know that you have my empathy and love.
Although I can’t offer you any truly helpful advice to aid in your situation I hope with all my being that you end up on top and find peace and happiness within yourself.
I’m rooting for you.

• This reply was modified 11 years ago by Nia.

Dear Stephen,

I was thinking this morning how our problems so often seem to stem from our inability to cope with painful things and the subsequent avoidance of those situations, to a point where we create all kinds of coping mechanisms that end up making our own lives very difficult. What is painful for you is a bit different from what I find painful, but the end results seem to be similar.

Feeling as if you are left with nothing can be a blessing in disguise. That is when you are left with no other choice than to start working on the original problem. Having to face the reality is really scary and painful, but once you get through it, everything changes. I agree with you, that the solution is found from amongst actual people and not online. If you are living in a city, there’s a very good chance that there can be support groups for those who suffer from social anxiety. When I felt like I had lost everything couple of years ago, I was kind of forced to join a support group (I really didn’t want to) and it ended up being a really healing experience. To be forced to open up in front of other people in a safe setting was really life changing. Nothing bad happened. I survived, and so should you 🙂

The road is winding and there will be breakthroughs and setbacks. Looking back, I think that the setbacks, for me, came after the breakthroughs as I felt too sure that I had changed overnight and then slipped back to my old habits. Things do not change overnight, but it is a bit of a rush to break down some old walls and let the sunshine in. It does require a lot of courage, but the rewards are tremendous.

I would advice you to be smart about it. Support groups usually have rules, which makes them safe places. When I got a bit too excited about opening up, I ended up opening up to people who didn’t react to it in a good way. It didn’t end up doing too much damage, and I did learn to be a bit more discerning with what kind of people to socialize with. Or rather, having kind of “tiers” with different kinds of people: some would see more of me than others. In you, just like in everyone else, is this unique, extremely beautiful soul, that everyone wants to see. To have a connection with another vulnerable being is what intimacy is all about, and we all want it, we all crave it, but not everyone are able to handle it. So be wise and take baby steps, but do take those steps. It is scary and can be painful, but it is all very, very rewarding.

Dear Stephen:

“I didn’t make the girl I loved feel loved and wanted. I didn’t expose myself because I was afraid I wouldn’t be good enough.”

I find that regret is the most paralyzing emotion – and something that we wrestle with, particularly when it comes to relationships in which we feel we ruined, when the other person does not want to give you a second chance, when you are still left wondering everyday that they must think of you as often as you think of them.

A year ago on May 9th, I lost the love of my life forever. Nearly a year later – it somehow plays in my head as if it happened yesterday. I watched him slam the door on our apartment, and I knew I had been painted in a corner. My own anxiety and depression led me to keep things inside, secrets, and slowly a wall was built in between us so thick that we could no longer see each other. My own anxiety and need for reassurance or praise clouded my head so badly that I could not even notice that he saw right though me. And anytime he tried to get me to open up, I would convince myself that he was the enemy. We were no longer a team working together – we had become opponents working against each other.

No matter what, I thought that we would find a way through the darkness. Our love was unconditional, in many ways, and we had been together for so long that I always felt no matter how dark things got for me, he would be there.

But once he walked out that door on May 9th, he never looked back.

I am still, in many ways, struggling with the end of this relationship. I go into periods of self-loathing. I could have eaten more so he didn’t have to sleep next to a frail girl with her bones nearly coming out of her skin. I could have spent that 4th of July with the persona who loved me instead of getting on a bus to a concert by myself. I could have made him feel like #1 more often. But the truth is, I was so focused on my distorted self-image that i was blinded to the fact that I was pulling away, physically and emotionally.

Although I struggle, I have learned (through ebbs and flows) that the universe has a way of showing you what rock bottom really looks like – when you are truly alone and forced to face yourself – in order to demonstrate that you are capable of picking yourself up again. It’s nearly impossible to see through the fog now, I know that all too well. But I promise you that this too shall pass. New opportunities will open up, and a new love will come into your life. And you will make it your life mission to rectify the mistakes you feel that you have made by doing what’s right for you, step by step, day by day.

Steve refused to talk to me after the day he left – it was almost as if he was fed up with me. I wonder how he was never able to look back when I ruminate over the whole thing. But what I do promise myself is that I will never take anyone for granted again, I will move ahead and fix everything I did wrong to Steve by doing everything right with those that are with me. And the next person who loves me like he did will never have to experience the pain that he did, because I will only act with love and compassion.

Endings in life are the world’s way of showing you that all positive change is proceeded by chaos. One day, you will see. I promise.