Dear numbskull79:

The relationship is clearly (to me) broken and is beyond repair. You wrote: “People do recover from such betrayals but they have to both want it, maybe even from the start.”- maybe not. When two people get married, they promise to stay together “In sickness and in health, in poverty or in wealth”- most often; the promise is not to stay together through sleeping with another man/ woman, especially when repeatedly, throughout a longer than (a drunken one night stand event, let’s say).

So forgiving such betrayal is really up to the spouse, an act of grace.

It is possible though, that one spouse betrayed has already done his own betrayal, just didn’t get caught. It is possible that he would have, if given enough time. It is also possible that the spouse wanted out for a while, and is taking on this morally high ground as a convenient vehicle. And then, it is possible that the betrayed spouse was loyal, would have been loyal and his trust is irrevocably shattered.

Your situation is difficult. Best if there was immediate physical separation- if such is at all possible, maybe one of you living elsewhere, with a friend or a family member, that would be the best.

Otherwise, survive this the best you can. I wonder if he is trying to punish you- possible, maybe likely. Let him then take his revenge, better this way than other ways (better he dates and not be abusive toward you than if he doesn’t date and is abusive toward you.

Further suffering on your part is pointless and unhelpful, so I hope you give yourself the permission to no longer beat yourself up over your affair.

anita