Dear D:

Welcome to Tiny Buddha! To understand better, it helps me to retell a member’s story, with quotes, so this is what I’ll do here: you shared that you have “pretty intense and deep emotions“, been together with your partner and father of your children (“a man of incredible patience and love… easy going and has a stable base level“) for 11 years.

You went shopping in 2019, saw a man working there and “immediately felt a form of recognition… soul recognition“. Whenever you went shopping you “always felt excited just to see him“, but indifferent if you didn’t see him. One day in 2021- while you and your partner went through “a very difficult time and were contemplating breaking up“, and while practicing the Law of Positive Attraction so to save your relationship- “all high from positive affirmation and meditation“, you went shopping. For the first time, the man working there tried to approach you, and you quickly “freaked out and left” the store. A couple of days later, you dreamed about him and after waking up from the dream, you came across “a dead blind snake in a knot“, which looked like the infinity symbol.

More dreams followed  where this man was your twin who had “the same type of parent dynamics” as yours. You “became obsessed” with this man, a man you “don’t even know” and “never spoke to“. You tried to get hypnotized so to regress to past lives, but the person who tried and failed to hypnotized you told you that “it’s a thought form, and basically that this is all in my head ”

You wrote: “I felt insane, I felt love, I felt grief regret ashamed. and I felt like the most horrible partner and person… I feel lost and pain… a part of me feels crushed… My whole world feels to have crumbled. Where I also feel my partner deserves someone who has the same amount of love for him as he does for me“,  and asked: “I just want to know how to get back to myself and my life after this. any advice or similar experience would truly assist“-

– This is what I think this is most likely about (the boldfaced are your words): a woman with high moral values (fidelity, faithfulness) who also has pretty intense and deep emotions got bored with the same easy going, stable base level partner of 11 years, and for some time before 2019,  needed a way Out of the bland emotional experience (no positive excitement) of the marriage. This image of the man in the store provided that Out, but not without an emotional price of grief, shame and guilt.

Before I try to answer your question, I need to ask you: do you think that I may be understanding your story correctly?

anita

Dear D:

I just figured that I need to ask you another before I can answer: the difficulties in your marriage, what are the causes of these difficulties (I doubt it is nothing but boredom, although it is possible)? Also, if there is anything relevant that you should add to the story, please do.

anita

You are welcome, D. You are 10 hours ahead of me; have a good night, will talk tomorrow!

anita

Dear D:

And I am sorry for my late reply (it is no longer morning here, but afternoon!)

“I actually never liked romantic movies because for me it just don’t exist (even tho a part of me is in love with that idea)“- do not underestimate the part that is in love with… falling in love.

“Relationships are work and serve as a mirror, growth and support“- but sometimes we want it (feeling very good within a relationship) to be easy and quick, don’t we?

“So maybe I craved a different reflection of sorts, a different experiences“- many people get bored with the same-old, same-old, even if it’s a good same-old.. and want something else, simply for hoping it will be different.

“a big part of our fun times was on weed and alcohol. And when I became pregnant that all changed and I quit everything.  And that was the first time I actually dealt with my emotions in a very long time… I realized my toxic habit of people pleasing“- developing healthier habits can be that exciting something different.

“My partner loves me for me and has mentioned this is the deepest relationship he has had with anyone. But because of me being who I am, it has caused him to abandon his friends to be with me“- you being who you are made it possible for him to have the deepest relationship he has ever had with anyone: this is precious!!!

anita

It’s been so interesting to talk with you, D. I hope to read from you again, if you feel like it, whenever you do.

anita

Dear D:

I am fine, thank you and you are very welcome. Good to read that you are feeling much lighter! When you say that you were a vanishing twin, you mean that you had a vanishing twin, (Wikipedia: “A vanishing twin.. is a fetus in a multi-gestation pregnancy that dies in utero and is then partially or completely reabsorbed… Vanishing twins occur in up to one of every eight multi-fetus pregnancies”), right?

“So what I craved was a very deep connection to someone, I guess resembling what has been lost in utero…  I knew I was a vanishing twin but never really dived deep into the psychological and Spiritual effects of it“-  you felt that the soul of your vanishing twin was in the man who works at the supermarket, hence the “soul recognition” that you mentioned in your original post.

You wrote earlier: “I’m  a one on one type of person, he (husband) does better in groups“- the thinking then is that in your mother’s uterus you had one twin, and therefore, it was a one-on-one situation and deep connection. When your twin vanished, you lost that one-on-one connection, which you’ve been craving ever since.

I think that growing up, you had superficial, group-type connections with the people in your family, and elsewhere, but you didn’t have a one-on-one deep connection with anyone, so you craved it as a child and since.

“something in me wanted to become Awake“, you wrote today – that something was.. the one-on-one connection that you had very early in your life, a connection that was lost to you.. too soon.

“Today 8/12/22  (Dec 8) is the last full moon of the year in Gemini, which is the twins, Symbolic for me”– Happy Full Moon Day! Post again if and whenever you would like, and may you and your family have a blessed season!

anita