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Life falling apart

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  • July 3, 2017 at 1:00 pm #156224
    None
    Participant

    Hi, there!

    I have been recently having lots of problems(+ the ones that I have shared with you in two previous topics last year). This time these problems come from my broken physical and mental state, may be the fact that I have serious problem with depression and try to cope with it in any natural ways,yet nothing would help and that it all seem to affect my work.

    I started my internship( and I have been having hard times sleeping and taking rest- I go to bed at like 3 a.m. and have to have 4-5 cups of coffee a day so that I could not fall asleep at work) a couple of months ago and from the start it didn’t seem that bad and I actually loved it, till one of my colleagues wanted to know too much information from my personal life, got some info and started humiliating me. I was not the only one that was a trainee for the company and that other trainee was constantly trying to slander me oeverything that is going wrong and everybody would blame me thanks to that person. In fact, I got only one person of the staff protecting me and that one woman who tried to get in my personal life started offending me in very subtle ways that was beeing something like a whore there for that man standing there for me from times to times. On top of all, she tried numerous times to embarrass me in front of everybody and to talk bad about me to the boss. I got fed up the last time that hateful woman tried to put me down I decided that I am not going back there under no circumstances. I promised to myself that I will get there after some time and have a conversation with the boss about why I quit it, yet I feel that I won’t keep my nerves and will start screaming and swearing the one that put me down… so, I have been quiet till now and I wonder if these people deserve to be talked to and given reasons why I quit and don’t wanna see them anymore.( just a little add note- I have never in my life been treated in such an awful and disrespectful way, never)

    Please, help me. These days I am not decisive at all and I have mood swings taht are killing me, plus, that depressed state of mine that is almost killing my social, academic and professional life. I could have a talk with my mum or my sister, but the second one is already making fun out of me just like my horrible colleagues. So, here I am looking for a piece of advice… Thanks in advance for paying attention to all my problems- i really appreciate it and there are no words that I can express my gratitude to you guys 🙂

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by None.
    July 3, 2017 at 9:19 pm #156260
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    Welcome back! Will be reading your post in the morning, about 8-10 hours from now and will reply then. Take care.

    anita

    July 4, 2017 at 7:24 am #156294
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    I hope you find a way to sleep more, rest better.

    Regarding “one of my colleagues wanted to know too much information from my personal life, got some info and started humiliating me”- I wonder how he got that information. If you gave it to him just because he asked for it, see to it next time to not do so. Learn from this experience: that a person may ask you for personal information for the purpose of using it against you.

    When you were treated disrespectfully at work, best for you to assert yourself, stand up for yourself, against put downs and humiliations. If you gave me an example of a put down and the circumstance of it, I could suggest a possible way for you to assert yourself.

    Next, I understand, you quit the job. You wrote: “I promised to myself that I will get there after some time and have a conversation with the boss about why I quit it, yet I feel that I won’t keep my nerves and will start screaming and swearing the one that put me down…” The key is to assert yourself when you are mistreated, quickly and appropriately, so that the anger does not build up to a point of exploding (screaming and swearing).

    If you do have a talk with the boss, it will be an opportunity for you to be assertive and in control of your anger. Both. You can practice first, in front of the mirror, or here, practicing what you will say to the boss (tone, facial expressions, body posture included in the practice, in front of the mirror).

    You wrote: “I have been quiet till now and I wonder if these people deserve to be talked to and given reasons why I quit and don’t wanna see them anymore”- the motivation of talking to your boss would be for you to practice being assertive and in control of the expressions of your anger. If you successfully execute these two things, your confidence will improve (and over time, so will your depression, with such an ongoing practice).

    You wrote: “I could have a talk with my mum or my sister, but the second one is already making fun out of me just like my horrible colleagues”- another opportunity for you to practice being assertive, with your sister. And do not give her personal information that she is likely to use against you!

    Post again, anytime.

    anita

    July 4, 2017 at 3:27 pm #156400
    None
    Participant

    Well, i was giving some random info about my personal life that i have never thought could be used against me. The thing is I am not dating anyone and the hateful colleague asked me if i was in a serious relationship and I said that i am not. Then she made herself the story that i have cone ti work there so that i can find a boyfriend and she did that in a very offensive way and probably i was there so that i can get myself a boyfriend in the face of the colleague that is protectibg me which is far from the truth. She was just jealous that her colleagues did not gave her the attebtion that she got before i started work there. Does that sound normal because to me it doesn’t.

    Then she started making fun of my work and everything that do and say and categorized it as dull and worth nothing. How do I defend myself from soneone that is twice my age… then she will probably call the things I said as a sign of poor upbringing and distespect. And the thing is at first ahe was playing like the nice one when she talked to me in front of the other colleagues , but in face to face conversations she was more than rude.

     

    Furthermore, I see no point talking to the boss right now cuz everything offensive to me heppened ib front of her , too and she was ok with it.

    Then comes the part when i talk to my sister … I did that and I did not get the support i have been offering her since now. In fact, she started making fun of me, too. Now i am wondering what kind of info should i share with her for which she will not offend put me down…

    I know what I can do and what i cannot and I see no point now that i have a talk with tge boss and say how i can be yhe next Albert Einstain and she will only mock me more. The worst is that the other collegues are prone to believe to the boss not to me when I say what i cannot do. These people have been playing with me as if i am a hot potato till now and I am somohowconvinced that if i get there abd talk what was the reason for my underproductive work the will only think that i am comng with a bunch of excuses. The sad thing is that I dreamed of working there and my dream have become my worst nightmare now. Besides, the fact that i am struggling with depression, lack of sleep and cobstant fatigue i had to face with my dad’ illness and all the cancer tests that he was put through as well as everybody saying that he could die the same month that i started my internship.

    Given that, I think that i cannot stand people foolig me around and taking me as the clown at which they can laugh. I just thing that is not fair and if i step one more time in the office that will take the last parts of self-respect and cobfidence that i got(and i am bot like same people that got plenty of them).

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by None.
    July 4, 2017 at 8:16 pm #156414
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    Will be back to your thread in the morning with a fresh brain. I read the part where your boss witnessed you being mistreated at work and she was okay with it. I agree with you, then, that there is no point in talking to her. Back in ten hours or so.

    anita

    July 5, 2017 at 7:33 am #156454
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    Regarding the offensive, abusive ex co-worker, a woman twice your age: reads to me suspect that she asked you if you were in a serious relationship. And then state to others that you are at work to find a boyfriend. Maybe she was romantically interested in one of the male co workers and was worried that he will be attracted to you and that the two of you will have a relationship.

    Or maybe she is married and her husband cheated on her with a young woman, half her age, and she projected her anger into you and proceeded to bully you so to cause you to quit or to get fired.

    This is very unfortunate and if I was in your place at the time it all happened, it would be very difficult for me to deal with and maybe an impossibility to resolve, because your boss was okay with this woman’s bullying you.

    Regarding you wondering what information you should share with your sister who makes fun of you and puts you down- I say, share nothing with her and don’t interact with, unless necessary and limited to the extent that is necessary. If you give me and example or two of what she says and does that is making fun of you or otherwise putting you down, I may have suggestion as to how to assert yourself with her.

    You feel very strongly about not going into that office again… so don’t. I am sorry your dream about this job turned into a nightmare. I hope you recover from that experience, that you feel better soon and that people treat you respectfully, as you well deserve.

    anita

    July 7, 2017 at 3:04 am #156766
    None
    Participant

    Thnaks, thanks very, very much!

    As far as the badmouthed colleague is concerned, I don’t know much about her personal life. I just know that she is probably happily married and she doesn’t seem like a person that is not happy with her life. In fact, by the things she said I got to know that she somehow likes to be the center of attention and if someone is not treating her right she blames him/her or a third party. Plus, most of the workers there are male and there are only few women so i think they are used to getting all the male attention and probably seeing another girl/woman as a threat to them. Anyway, I can only guess about that.

    As for my sister- the thing that hurts me the most is that when I try to share something that is bothering me or seek advice or just a few kind words she treats me just the way the people I am complaining of which I think is kind of brutal. I was always guarding her and got into fights for her just so that she would not feel misunderstood or alone. I told her how are people treating me and she just listened and answered with a word or so and then kept on doing her things. Days after I shared with her she started treating me the same way as that collegue of mine regarding the fact that I might got my internship just to get a boyfriend and she is constantly mocking me about that. Anyways, it seems that she always does that and when I tell her she starts to blame me for doing the same to her(regardless the fact that I was delaying dates just because she was sick and stayed with her till she got better). It’s like a vicious circle whetever I do is simply not enough and when I got tired and find myself a company she is trying to pull me away from the company of mine and if doesn’t succeed she tells me I don’t need her because I already got myself friends. To make it worse, when my father got sick and I though he got cancer earlier this year I was devastated and my deppressive thoughts multiplied. I was searching for a cure in the web or remedies that will help him feel better and all she does was going out with her boyfriend and when I shared with her how worried I was and suggested some things about his treatment she told me I was onyl playing and faked being worried which was the icing on the cake.

    I can hardly stand that anymore and I think I am losing my nerves on people that don’t care the least about me( including my sister and family).

    I am working on recovering and I hope I succeed in that soon. Thanks again for being here with me and enagging with my problems when no one else does. BIG THANKS!

     

    July 7, 2017 at 8:54 am #156830
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    You are very welcome. As far as the ex co-worker is concerned, I don’t know anything about her life other than it is probably not true that “she is probably happily married and she doesn’t seem like a person that is not happy with her life”- I think people who repeatedly and intentionally hurt people are not motivated by happiness.

    As far as your sister is concerned, seems to me like she is not motivated to hurt you by happiness either. But regardless of how happy/ content or unhappy a person is, a person needs to be aware of their behavior, and care not to unnecessarily hurt another. This is every person’s social responsibility, be it the ex co-worker who bullied you, the boss who didn’t protect you from being bullied, and your sister who has been mistreating you and betraying your trust in her for quite some time.

    Mentioning trust, as you can see in your own life, a family member can betray a trust, so can a supervisor at work, so can anyone. And so, before you share with a person, learn who that person is you are sharing with: is he/ she trustworthy? If their behavior indicates they are not, protect yourself from that person best you can, whenever and wherever possible, at home, at work, and everywhere else.

    Post again anytime with your thoughts and feelings, I would like that.

    anita

    July 9, 2017 at 11:57 am #157218
    None
    Participant

    Well, I can only guess about her life and she can ónly guess what were my intentions of working there( in fact, she was the one that held the interview and I happened to share them with her), yet she did not… My life is not a fairytale, but I am not in search of putting down anyone in public- I did knew what that is before that happened to me- it is not the first time I am bullied, yet I have never heard so offensive words describing me…. And how about people that hurt other people repeatedly are motivated not by happiness, but by selfishness and desire to eliminate their “rivals” at any cost so that they can be the best without moving a finger- is that normal? Again I was treated badly and my mother used to tell me anytime she got the chance that she wished I was never born, but I don’t hate and bully others about that- it’s simply not their fault.

    As for my sister-I confess that she was put through a lot of misery and had been crying her eyes out and I can only hope she is happy now cuz she seems to be. Anyway, with the coming of that present happiness of her she has become really cenceited and selfish, brutally selfish. Those traits of her are driving me crazy because I am mainly the victim of them and in front of the others she seems to sing another tune.

    I have no such powers to say if a person is trustworthy or not. It seems I always make mistakes and it’s like my past lessons keep screwing me now and probably in the future. Plus, I either tell nothing, or tell a lot- which I can confess, is a real problem of mine and whatever of the two I do it seems that nobody is happy and always want more- to talk more or to keep my mouth shut more often.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by None.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by None.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by None.
    July 9, 2017 at 6:32 pm #157254
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi None,

    You don’t have to stay in a job that you hate. Take the lesson you learned about office politics and relationships from this job, and try to find a new job that you love. A fresh start can be almost magical. As you search for a job, decide on the impression you want to leave the office with. Be straightforward with your boss, and ask if there is anything you can do to make working there better before you leave.

    You also don’t have to be around people who make you feel bad anymore than you need to. Decide on who is most important to you, and try to avoid people who only make you feel worse. Try to surround yourself with good people and find ways to make their lives better.

    I know that you are depressed because of your father’s illness and other dramas, but try to focus on the good you do have in your life, and the hope that is in the future. Focus on creating possibilities instead of being dragged down by regrets.

    July 9, 2017 at 9:34 pm #157270
    Macy
    Participant

    None,

    In the future if someone asks you a question you find invading, your gut will trigger it,..take a second to just be as vague as you can…so you answer a question but not really answer it. For example if that woman asked if your in a relationship and you didn’t want to answer her with what she wanted..I’d say kinda sorta..or the best response that answers everything …that information is not up for discussion sorry.

    This exact thing happened to me this weekend where someone asked a personal question..where it was none of their business and I gave a yes no answer ..I figured lady get some respect on what you can ask a person..

    A lot of people think they can ask a question..and they deserve an answer even when it’s invading someone’s privacy…so learn to say that information is not up for discussion ..it shuts them down..and makes one think what they asked is none of their business…and it really isn’t a rude way to say mind your own business.

    As far as your sister goes…it seems like you have feelings. .she doesn’t. ..to keep a good relationship…only tell her what she needs to know..sooner or later she will miss you and cone around..than you can have a conversation to say..some ways you communicate to me really hurt and if you can’t be open minded and be there for me..than I will only tell you what you need to hear.

    Macy

    July 10, 2017 at 8:06 am #157288
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear None:

    You wrote: “how about people that hurt other people repeatedly are motivated not by happiness, but by selfishness and desire to eliminate their ‘rivals’ at any cost so that they can be the best without moving a finger- is that normal?”- it may be normal, as in common, widespread, but it is not justifiable: it is wrong. Again, no matter how unhappy a person may be, it is wrong for them to mistreat another. An unhappy person who mistreats another is as guilty as a … happy person who mistreats another.

    You wrote: “Again I was treated badly and my mother used to tell me anytime she got the chance that she wished I was never born, but I don’t hate and bully others about that- it’s simply not their fault”- and you are a living proof, then, that it is possible to have an abusive childhood, having been severely abused as you have been, and still NOT mistreat another.

    Regarding your sister who acts “conceited and selfish, brutally selfish”- best to minimize, and if possible, eliminate contact with her.

    You wrote: “I have no such powers to say if a person is trustworthy or not. It seems I always make mistakes…”- I don’t think anyone has the powers to determine beforehand if a person is trustworthy or not. You have to learn, over time, who the person is. For example, if you just met person X and person X is nice to you, but you observe person X bullying person Y, you learn that you may be next, that you can’t trust that person’s niceness to you.

    You wrote: “I either tell nothing, or tell a lot- which I can confess, is a real problem of mine and whatever of the two I do it seems that nobody is happy and always want more- to talk more or to keep my mouth shut more often”- those people who want you to talk more, you don’t have to accommodate them. Take the Middle Way, tell a little at first, very little. As you learn who the person is, if you determine the person is trustworthy, you can choose to tell more.

    anita

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