Dear smy:

You wrote: ” I came back “home” years later and everything went sideways.”

Are you currently living with your mother and her husband? Have you separated from your husband and where are your children residing?

I read your share here, what a difficult, horrifying childhood, very unfortunate. No wonder “letting the negatives go” is a challenge. The past is built into our brain via neurological pathways, multiple such pathways, and no one can just “let go” and undo those multiple connections/ pathways.

When our skin cells die, we let go of them once we brush them off in the shower and new skin cells are produced and replace the old. But neurons in our brain- those are never shed. Some die but none are replaced. And so, we can’t let go or shed our past.

We can heal though as much as we can through a process that requires insight, skill, work and time; lots of patience with the process and gentleness with ourselves.

If you are living with your mother and her husband- run! Leave as soon as possible.

If you are in any contact with your mother where she continues to manipulate you, force her way, display aggression- stop that contact as soon as possible.

Healing from abuse is not possible while still enduring it.

Hoping for further communication with you.

anita

Dear smy:

You have a lot on your plate, being a mother and a wife. I read your reply on another thread regarding your marriage and wish you and your husband well in counseling.

If (?) your contact with the five minutes-away mother, her husband and stepmother are hurting you, can you remove them from your life… or are they involved with your kids’ lives in a positive way?

anita

Dear smy:

Regarding your stepmother: her “always 1000% on (her) boys” didn’t work for their benefit, did it: drug addiction, in and out of jail, convicted felony… It is better for your kids that she is NOT in their lives.

The fact that she sent you to foster care because her son raped you for years and you finally spoke about it, means she is an indecent person of such proportions, that if I was you, I would have nothing to do with her, no contact whatsoever, and I would make sure she had no contact with my children.

Regarding your mother: she acts against your two daughters’ well being just like she acted against your well being when you were their age. If I was you, I would see to it that my two daughters had nothing to do with her.

The title of your thread is “Letting the negatives go”-

Here are the negatives: your mother, your stepmother- let them go.

That will be a good beginning in your healing.

anita

Dear smy:

I received your latest post after I wrote the above. I would support the daughters in having nothing to do with your mother. Too bad your husband has any faith in your mother… fixing anything. Reads like a good plan to move away. Need to find good services for your disabled son elsewhere. What is the nature of his disability?

anita

Dear smy:

Depending on your son’s age- does he still attend a public school, high school perhaps? I worked for a huge urban school district, the second in the nation (LA)- lots of money was in the special education programs (although the one-to-one special ed assistants were sometimes terrible). What a challenge it is, to have a seriously disabled son. Your plate is indeed full. I wish you do remove all that you don’t have to deal with, it being you have so much to deal with.

Your marriage is one. I wonder about the quality of the couple counseling you will be having…?

anita

Dear smy:

I attended a high quality couple therapy. I also had one-to-one session with the same therapist, starting 2011. Before that, the therapists I saw were nothing compared to the last one. He was a real professional, competent, took his work very seriously, a hard worker. He was the first therapist who gave me more than the fixed fifty minutes or so, when he didn’t have an appointment with someone else, the session went on and on, no extra charge. And then, in between sessions there were phone calls and emails, no extra charge (I tried not to abuse his generosity). And he gave me homework from session to session. Other therapists- seems like the only time they had me on their mind was during those 50 minutes, at best.

In couple therapy, one of the principles I learned was to communicate with my partner using EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. Respect, very important- no matter how I felt, how angry, how frustrated, I was to talk and act respectfully. Big principle. I remember one of the exercises the therapist gave us was each to write what we need from the other, and then compare the notes. Maybe you and your husband can do this very exercise.

anita

Dear smy:

I am glad you and your husband verbalize fairly well what you need from each other. Let me know, if you will, what you may possibly need from me here, or from another member reading.

anita