For most of my life, I always felt pressure to be something I wasn’t. So often we tell ourselves what we should do or who we should be. I should go to college. I should travel more. I really should go out more. I should be in love by now.

We put so much pressure on ourselves and when we (as is often the case) don’t do everything we believe we should do, we beat ourselves up about it. We may become anxious, depressed, angry, or feel guilty.

Maybe it’s society, parents, friends, the educational system, or our own selves that we blame when we don’t live up to these expectations.

But what if so much of what we believe we should be doing just doesn’t align with who we really are?

Let’s look at three different examples to examine this further.

Example 1
I should get out more and attend more parties.

As an introvert, being around large groups of people just isn’t something I prefer to do. I have attended many parties – some I had a great time (after some drinks) and others I wish I could just go home and go to bed. So in my head, I convinced myself that in order to meet more people, I need to go places where I felt uncomfortable.

At the same time, I really wanted to go out more and socialize.

Too often, we only see the two extremes. On the one hand, I don’t want to be alone sitting in a basement watching a movie, but on the other, I don’t want to go to parties where everyone is loud and talking about themselves.

These are obviously not the only alternatives. But, how often do we convince ourselves of this?

Here are two solutions to this dichotomy. First, we can accept that we prefer to stay home and watch a movie. That’s perfectly okay if that is what we want to do.

When we really want to go out more, we don’t even have to attend large parties. We can go to a concert with a group of friends. We can attend a small dinner party. We can meet some people at a quiet bar or coffee shop. We can meet just one more new person.

Example 2
I should have more friends.

As we get older, it becomes harder and harder to meet new friends. In college, I remember it was so easy to meet new people because we were all together in one place. Co-workers are sometimes our friends, but it’s just not the same.

Let’s look at the extremes in this example. We have no friends at all or we are social butterflies and make friends with everyone we encounter.

I don’t want either.

So, how can I have more friends who I actually want to be around? First, I need to accept that I won’t have a robust social life. I don’t need one because it’s just not who I am.

However, how can I make some more friends? The best way I know how – by building authentic relationships with people. Where are these people? Most likely friends of friends you already have. Ever been to a friend’s wedding and met some really interesting people? Well, they are friends with the same person you know for a reason.

In addition, find ways to meet more people like you. Ask your friends for an introduction. Invite some friends over for dinner and ask them to bring some of their friends. Find people who share similar interests with you through meet-ups or Craigslist. Reach out in ways that makes you feel comfortable.

Example 3
I really should network more.

I hear this one all the time.

The interesting thing about “networking” is that it is such a broad concept. Whenever I think of networking, I think of walking into a huge conference room full of people who seem to know exactly who to talk to and what to say. In other words, an introvert’s worse nightmare.

I hate being in a crowded space listening to people who love to talk about themselves. Yuck.

Okay, let’s first acknowledge that this makes us feel uncomfortable. More importantly, that it is okay to feel this way.

Whenever I attend a networking event, I don’t expect that by the 10th time of doing this, I will magically feel energized by all the people around me.

Let’s revisit our extreme cases in this situation. On one extreme, we don’t build any relationships with others and expect people to come to us. On the other, we have people flocking towards us at networking events begging us to work for them.

First, we define what networking realistically means to us. Maybe it’s just asking for an introduction to someone new from a co-worker you trust. Maybe it’s volunteering to participate in a fundraising event. Maybe it’s simply asking good questions during a conference.

Ask yourself this – What is the number one reason I want to meet more important people? Second, who is the closest person I can actually talk to in order to get closer to meeting one important person? Remember to be realistic here.

I guarantee you know one person who can connect you to one person that will get you closer to someone really important.

The more we break down “networking” into achievable steps, we no longer analyze what we should be doing and instead do more right now.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to succeed, yet we don’t do more of what will get us closer to success. In fact, we often don’t even look at and define what success means for us.

When we begin to accept ourselves for who we are, the easier it becomes to do more of what works for us. We can let go of what society thinks, our parents think, our friends think, what we think, and only then, can we live the life we are meant to live.

The best part is that we actually perform better when we do more of what works for us. We think more clearly and achieve more.

Begin to see yourself for who you are, instead of analyzing yourself as someone you wish you could be.