I still haven’t been in any kind of relationship but I do know what it’s like to feel like you’ve lost an “old self” or part of yourself and from my experience it’s not completely lost, but it takes time to get it back and while it’s never really exactly the same as it was, that old self returns stronger, wiser and better than before as part of something new.

So I suppose the advice is don’t rush it, don’t feel like you have to get it back by tomorrow, let it rebuild itself with time and care and better than before.

Hello Sarah,

It’s crazy that I just came upon your post. I never really look at the forums on this website, but the first one I click was yours. Why it trips me out is because I just broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years and he also treated me really bad and cheated on me multiple times. I feel the same as you, that it will be so hard to trust somebody again, but I think it will be different. I think now we have learned what the red flags are if we look back onto how the relationship started. By learning what the red flags are it will make us more vigilant to spot them in future relationships.

Everything happens for a reason. I think I had a bad relationship so I will be more appreciative and aware when I have a good one. It’s so hard to detach from guys like that. I understand, not many can unless you have been through it.

I am here for you if you ever want to talk. : )

Hi Sarah,

It’s interesting I ran across your post, as I was coming here to seek the advice of something similar.

First though, congrats on seeing your worth and moving forward with your life. When I was 19, I got into an unhealthy relationship with a man who also cheated and manipulated me. I allowed him to make me feel less than I am, and I stayed for far too long (surprisingly 6 years as well) Eventually, I had had it, and ended it. While it was one of the best things I’ve done, I still struggle with the residual emotions and feelings of feeling not good enough, and I still have trouble trusting and letting people fully into my heart. The best advice I can offer you is what you’re already starting- healing and taking care of yourself. It took me far too long to look internally and begin to grow as a person.

You’ll get there, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re taking longer than you anticipated. There’s no time line as to when you’re going to be ready, but just know you will be. Remember to give people chances, even if they don’t work out, you are learning little by little and that’s important.

My post I was going to write was going to inquire on how to be on the other end of someone who was hurt like you. The man I’m seeing now can’t let go of his ex who hurt him just like yours did you (so similar it seems like he was dating the female version of your guy) He struggles back and forth with intimacy with me because he panics when he starts feeling too close or too open. He clings on to the time he had with his ex as a way to not let anyone fully in. He admits he doesn’t want to be with her, but isn’t strong to fully let go of his feelings for the past. He’s a good guy, he just doesn’t know how to let go.

Don’t be this person, girl. See what happened with your ex as the lesson it was and find someone who truly appreciates you for who you are. You don’t want to end up being closed off to someone who does love you for you just because you’re worried it’ll happen again.

Best of luck 🙂