You asked for concrete, not abstract: how to stop the past from defining your present (and future)?
The “outside” method of doing that: specifically define what behaviors are not acceptable for you and see to it that you do not engage in those behaviors (takes will power combined with relaxation techniques and other tools and skills). This method is effective immediately. it is in the management/ coping category.
The “inside” method of doing that. This method is not effective immediately. It is in the healing category. It takes practice over the period of months and years. It requires ongoing gentleness toward yourself and an incredible amount of patience with the process. This is it:
You learn to pay attention like you never had before, attention to what is taking place in between your ears as well as the rest of your body. You learn to pay attention to the outside world, other people, things, places. This paying attention is called Mindfulness. You never become mindful-enough. There is always MORE to pay attention to. As you become more and more mindful, you unlearn the old and learn the new- no such thing as something too small to unlearn or to learn. I referred to a Process. This process, is the re-wiring of the brain- loosening those knots of false old learnings by inserting new learning into it. Old neuro-pathways, connections (old learnings) in the brain are loosened by making new pathways, new connections (new learnings).
As you read the above paragraph, it may not seem or feel concrete for you, and this is exactly the point: it cannot be concrete until you practice it.
The “outside” method I have down pretty pat. I have a fairly rigid definition of acceptable and unacceptable behavior that I hold to. I have recently added a few other things to that list.
Mindfulness is also something I have always practiced. Always being aware of what’s in my head and what is going on around me. Just for a different reason. I’m working on those. I’m also working on expressing emotions rather than suppressing them.
But I still have this knot of crap I’m holding onto. I can say, “That’s not me.” but it is. Its a part of me and I don’t know what to do with it. It is an interesting puzzle to be told “Don’t hold your past against you” when many of the people around me are doing just that (holding my past against me) while telling me not to. LOL
As I continue “rewiring” my thinking will this knot loosen on its own?
This is the puzzle I’m currently working on. I am working on the rest and I understand that it is a long road. It is this knot that I can’t get through. While I’m currently able to ignore that fanatic “You must be punished” voice, I am worried that I am not able to truly accept myself if that knot is still there. I worry that I am kidding myself and that nothing has really changed. It feels like I’m ignoring that knot because I don’t know what to do with it. Which is fairly accurate. But I know that ignoring it isn’t helping. That’s what got me in trouble in the first place. I know that you can only hold onto things for so long before it starts leaking out in rather spectacular ways. This has already occurred.
There are days when I feel like this is all just another facade I’m creating to cover that knot of guilt, shame, hurt. So that I can say “Look! I did all this and its still the same!”
LOL I’m not even particularly artistic, so I can’t work through it that way. Although maybe making a physical representation of some kind will help. This is one of those time where I think that my words have failed to convey my intentions. It happens. I will check out the pages you suggested. Thanks again.
Its a knot of fear, shame, hatred, pain, guilt. Like I said, some things were done to me and I did things to others. I know that I have to let this stuff go, but I don’t know how to do that. I’m not trying to forget. But I’ve been holding onto this for so long. Letting it define who I was, how I saw myself. The rest I’m working on. Changing my inner voice, expressing feelings, but how to let that past go I just don’t understand. Its the one piece I can’t grasp how to do. I literally do not comprehend how.
Regarding things done to you as a child- accepting the injustice of it, the betrayal, your utter victimization, grieving the loss and damage it caused you while you currently live an assertive life, trusting yourself to protect yourself and take care of yourself- over time- should make it possible to get unstuck here.
Regarding things you did to others, making appropriate amends in every way possible to those you victimized should help, but even if it doesn’t, this is your responsibility to do so.
The way I redeemed myself, still redeeming myself for the wrongs and hurts I have caused innocent others, is to persistently adhere, day in and day out, to what I call The Healing Path. There is no work more difficult than working that path, for so long and for the rest of my life. Doing my healing has already earned my personal forgiveness (and I assure you, the guilt has been immense).
There are no appropriate amends. Not in my opinion.
It just occurred to me that my problem may be that I don’t understand the concept of “letting it go”. LOL Its one of my issues. Abstracts.
Anyway, I envision a hand gripping something tightly. I don’t know how to loosen that hand. What do you mean by “Let go” in this context? Maybe that will help.
I do not like the term “let go” and do not use it myself. Notice my post to you above has no such term.
The past is recorded in our brain. It is recorded in the way of memories and emotions plus core beliefs, conclusions we make about who we are and who others are. Can’t let it go unless you have a lobotomy and you let go of your physical brain.
There is much pain to be endured with accepting what was done to you and what you did. At one point, I remember, I took in the pain of what I have done as I understood, that every person on the face of this world has done wrong. I was not the exception.
Notice, I didn’t ask you what you did. Is it relevant to your struggle?
I don’t think its really relevant. I am trying to find peace, basically. I am rearranging my thought processes, and I am ever mindful of not just what I’m doing, but why I’m doing. I am very worried about returning to previous paths. I guess I thought that this knot would fade away at the very least, but it doesn’t seem to be. By the way, I loved your take on “let it go”. Will that voice always be with me? Most days I can ignore it. No, ignoring it isn’t right. But I can not listen (?). Some days, though it still echoes through my brain. That turmoil is what I was hoping to be rid of.
“Iâve heard from my therapists (yeah, multiple. LOL) that âYou just need to let these things go.â Only one tiny little problem with that. How? How do you let go of something youâve held onto for so long, so tightly that you canât even begin to understand HOW to let it go. âYou just do it.â Whatever. In my case it really is like teaching a child how to tie their shoes by saying âYou just tie them.â
This is exactly what I’m upto. To share something on the “how” part. If you look at my profile’s biographical intro and it talks about the same…
Comforting anyone with words do produce a healing effect, but I believe that doing a practical healing technique has greater effect than words like âjust let it go, donât worry, everything will be alright, just relax, quiet the mindâ. The problem with this is simply saying to âlet it goâ wonât work in the long run. One must be guided âhow to let it goâ. The important part is the “how”. “How to let go”, “how to relax”, “how to quieten the mind”, “how to stop worrying and start living” and so on.
This is where various Life Healing Techniques come into play and are useful in having a greater and lasting effect, because they are something practical in nature.
I am going to share with you one such Healing Technique relevant to your situation. It’s called ‘The Release Technique’.
It’s neither a good idea to express any unwanted or negative emotions (because this becomes venting),
nor even to suppress them (because this bottles up),
but to release them.
I have learned the technique from this book after I read “Learn to “let go” of any negativity…in seconds!” on the cover
(https://www.amazon.com/Abundance-Book-Lawrence-Crane/dp/0971175500)
Go through the book description on the above link starting from “This exciting book will help you:” and if you feel it resonates with you then you may give it a try. You may also want to go through the ‘About the Author’ section under Editorial reviews.
But if you do not have the time and/or patience and are fine to go with something paid for faster access then this is their official website (http://www.releasetechnique.com) where you will find more things about the technique like – live classes, events, programs, CDs, digital downloads, online courses, etc.
I did not take any of their programs but at the end of the book I purchased there was a coupon which allowed me to attend their LIVE Coaching class for FREE every Wednesday and this was undertaken by the author of the book – Lawrence Crane. I am sure this is still there but if you intend to then you can confirm with their customer care before buying the book.
From what you have described, its a good resource on the naughty knots like fear, shame, hatred, pain and guilt.
From my information there is also a similar tool called as ‘The Sedona Method’, although I am familiar with the technique, but since I haven’t practiced it much, I won’t be able to tell you more on it.
When you feel the knot, rather than rejecting it or fearing it – consider accepting it. Hello old knot – you pain in the arse – you are back. I see you, I accept you are there, but you no longer define me. While you are not helpful and I don’t enjoy your presence, you remind me of who I don’t want to be anymore.
I know my past, but my past is not my future. Who I WAS then is not who I am now. Who I am NOW is the embryo of who I will be tomorrow.
In acceptance of your past – what you cannot change – you will find your peace. With attrition and in helping others, you will find hope. It’s not about re-balancing the scales and having to do as much “good” for others to balance the “bad” done previously, but it’s about you discovering and embracing the “new you” which is shedding the no-longer-required skin of the old you.
Today, I, Chris, made a small but positive difference in another human being’s life, and for today that is enough. Tomorrow I will worry about tomorrow, and about being the person I need to be tomorrow.
Be patient – peace takes time. As you trust yourself and the new you, the old you will lose power. Good luck.
I am consumed with guilt and shame I have made some very bad decisions that has caused my whole life to fall apart I know that I cannot begin to repair or find A New Path without getting over the guilt and the shame I have suffered with depression and anxiety and isolation for most of my life I am holding on by my fingertips trying to remind myself one step at a time but the shame and guilt consumes me
You asked: “Will that voice always be with me?”, referring to the knots of “fear, shame, hatred, pain, guilt” over what was done to you and what you did to others.
My attempt at answering: that voice will reappear for a long time, at times when you are not busy, at times you are distressed with current life situations. Maybe in the farther future, the voice will no longer reappear, a long time from now.
What you already know, the reality that was, the reality that gave rise to those knots, is not the final knowing. There is more to know. To further untie those knots, be open to know more than you do now. Not the intellectual kind of knowing, reading online information and such, but the knowing that comes from paying attention at the present, on an ongoing basis. There is more to know with more mindfulness.
It just occurred to me that my problem may be that I donât understand the concept of âletting it goâ. LOL
If you figure it out and could bottle it you would be a rich man.
What does Letting go mean and what would it look like. I ask myself those question daily.
Would it be forgetting? Sometimes I wish it was and that Iâd wake up one day and magically be a different me which is really a wish to be someone other then me.
Sometimes I wonder if perhaps in that moment between sleep and waking as consciousness of the sense of âIâ returns and we dress our âselvesâ in our personas, expectations, fears, dreams⊠that I might just let go of the past and dress differently⊠but I donât. Or if I do itâs in small ways.
How do I let go of the past? You donât its past, you canât undo it, you canât step in the same river twice, there is nothing to hold onto.
What are your holding on to? Memory. Recalling a memory of the past is always the present
How do I let go of memory? Many people try to forget⊠drinking, drugs, sexâŠ.. but that method is not recommend.
How to come to terms with memory? Acceptance.
Each experience, those you might label as being bad or good has brought you to this point in space and time. You survived you are here. You are not living in denial, you made mistakes, you also had successes. Others have influenced you and you have influenced others some in ways you judge in positive ways some in negative. Good and bad both have pushed you into becoming.
Perhaps you begin to see that you are more than the sum of the memories you have of your experience and how you label them, just as others are more. Perhaps acceptance and letting go is being open to learning so that as you learn better you do better. What more can we ask of anyone? Of ourselves? Perhaps that is how we love ourselves and loving ourselves others. Maybe that is a place to start (and end)
Ravens sit on Odinâs/SELF shoulders. One is called âThoughtâ the other is called âMemoryâ
Ravens are tricksters and co-creators of the world. We create our world though or thoughts and our Memories. Words and Memories Tricksters.
The universe/god/nature/life/SELF⊠demands growth and the Trickster plays the role of shaking things up, things are not as they seem, illusions, the mother bird that pushes chicks out of the nest.
Consciousness is limited in what it sees. To function the âIâ discards millions of bits of information every second to focus on just a few. Yet we assume that our memory of an experience is exactly as it was, even the why of others peoples intentions, and then use those memories to create the stories we live.
Accepting that we cannot know all the facts about why and how what happened a window opens to forgive ourselves when we got it wrong.
Perhaps forgiveness is letting go? Not a forgetting but a honest yes to what happened and how our experiences have influenced us, moving forward, learning better so we might do better and then the grace to allow others the same.
Recommend the book âWhen the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationshipsâ by David Richo
1) The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
2) The approach that worked for me, very similar to the Emotional Freedom Technique.
1) The Emotional Freedom Technique is a very concrete thing to do and I believe it would be helpful to you.
I will include some links to videos at the end of this post.
The reasons why I recommend it are as follows:
a) It involves saying things out loud to redefine your thinking processes and beliefs and does not so much focus on how you got where you are right now, but on changing the “script” you’re living, redefining your inner voice.
Please note, this may not feel natural at first, but there’s great power in saying things out loud over and over again. You start believing in what you say. It’s pretty amazing, actually. The new voice, the one that has an actual physical shape and form, will soon resonate in you louder than that old voice inside.
How can that apply to the knot?
First off, whatever recommended scripts to use that you find online you can and probably should replace with something you write yourself, something to reflect your truth, that will resonate with you.
The basic technique recommends taking whatever emotional state you’re dealing with, say guilt, acknowledging that you’re feeling it, then saying that in spite of feeling whatever you’re feeling, you accept yourself; then there are other things you can say, depending on what your situation is and where you want to be.
An example I’d think of for you (you will need to modify it so it rings true to you, and possibly break it down into baby steps, slowly implemented into some routine):
“Even though I feel fear and guilt inside, I fully accept and love myself.”
Or something more complex:
“It’s not my fault what happened to me. It’s not my fault that I got hurt.
I look back at the 14-year old I was and I feel compassion for what happened to him. It wasn’t his fault.
Although I still feel fear, shame, hatred, guilt, I fully love and accept myself.”
Again, this may and probably will not feel natural at first. This is not the script running in your mind right now. But watch it change.
You can rewrite the script.
As you do, the guilt, the hatred, the shameâthey will fade away.
Note, with this technique, you acknowledge your feelings; as you said you express and not suppress them.
(My take on that is, how can you “let go” of ghosts that you haven’t acknowledged?)
The voice will surface every now and then. But it will be much different, rather quiet, and you’ll be at peace and free.
Note, I’m not an expert in the Emotional Freedom Technique. As I have successfully applied a very similar approach in the past, I believe the technique should work.
b) The Emotional Freedom Technique involves tapping on acupuncture points. Whether you believe in acupuncture or not, I think what’s of importance is adding PHYSICAL MOTION to the things that you say.
Studies show that including some sort of physical movement in the learning process facilitates the learning process itself. Movement will create those new brain connections around the new beliefs you’re teaching yourself.
2) What worked for me is very similar to the emotional freedom technique.
It involves voicing your new truth, the “new script,” as well. On occasion I’d add physical movement to it as described below; not always, but I think it works very well.
Here are the steps:
Take a belief, the voice, or feeling you have that you want to change.
For instance, the feeling can be the fear you will hurt someone you’re in a relationship with. “I only hurt them.” “I’d better leave before I hurt them.” “I fear I’ll lose control.”
Time to replace the above sentences with something else. It’s best to say it out loud. If you can’t right away, first think it. Then learn to say it out loud, with conviction.
“I’m a GREAT partner.”
“I provide her with love and support.”
“I give them love and support.”
This will feel fake at first.
That’s OK. The old script is still running in your head.
But as you voice the new you, as you hear that new voice, while there’s still resistance inside you, it will occur to you, not just logically but as a form of an internalized belief and a feeling, that:
You know that you can be a great partner.
There’s no reason to live the life dictated to you by somebody else. Whoever or whatever hurt you. You can live your own life.
“I’m a great partner.”
“I’m a loving, supportive ( insert what matches your situation.)”
You can add some humor to it, too.
“I’m the best she’s ever had.”
You can be, if you so decide.
I read it’s good to use simple tense here as opposed to the future tense.
If you do this enough times, it will replace the old voice and the old feelings.
In place of that knot, you will feel love and compassion for yourself. You will wonder how you have not seen the obvious before: You can be and are a great partner. You used to harbor certain feelings, and now they’re gone.
How can you “let go” of anything if there’s nothing equally strong to take its place?
How can you “let go” of something when you focus and hold onto it?
Focus on the new you instead.
Devise your new reality. Give it a physical shape by voicing it, with conviction, no matter what other voices you felt inside.
In studies, when people were told to focus on the outcome they DIDN’T want, the one they wanted to avoid, that outcome became much more likely then the desired outcome.
Focus, strongly, on what you want, by giving it a voice and adding movement to it.
I’ve never done tapping on the acupuncture points myself, the physical motion I attached to voicing my new beliefs is implementing the “power pose” as per the TED talk I link to below. I wanted a strong positive association with whatever I was voicing; cortisol down.
The TED talk in question interestingly also deals with feeling like an imposter that might apply to you in the beginning, while you still feel that “this isn’t me.” Soon you will know this is you.
As the time passes, you will see how ridiculous that cocktail of emotions and self-limiting beliefs that you carried inside was, and you will feel even more love and compassion for yourself.
Last but not least:
This is not your fault.
If the knot of guilt and shame is still there, you don’t know it yet.
“This is not my fault.”
“This is not my fault.”
Repeat it over and over, until the knot loosens up.
Living with guilt or shame is common in your situation.
But it’s not your fault.
I’m not saying it’s anybody’s fault.
Everything’s so complex. Casting blame only ties you to the source of hurt. It doesn’t help.
It’s not your fault though.
Some links to videos on the Emotional Freedom Technique:
Those videos are also available on YouTube, for instance here: a demonstration of the technique by an EFT practitioner Julie Schiffman. https://youtu.be/IWu3rSEddZI
Next, a link to a short video by, as I understand, the founder of the technique himself:
That links to a short video part 1, part 2 pops up right underneath. He assumes there you know some basic tapping points etc. but you can watch it regardless and it will give you a general idea.
There are countless other videos on YouTube that are easy to find.
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