Dear Shannon:

Jealousy about a man’s ex girlfriends is a problem you had in every relationship, you wrote. There are a few ways to go about it:

One is insight into the jealousy. A part of you is hurting from a long time ago, hurting over… maybe a parent didn’t give you the attention that you needed, maybe gave another the attention that YOU needed.

Thing two is as you feel jealous in your current relationship, learn to endure the feeling without reacting to it, without trying to make yourself feel better in ways that make it all worse for you and for him.

Thing three is to learn to communicate with him about your jealousy in such a way that you are not blaming him but reaching out to him for comfort in your distress. If you express to him your hurt without making him responsible for it then he may be able to help you with it and it will not something you try to repress and repress… until you explode. (if that is a pattern).

We can talk about Thing One, Thing Two and or Thing Three, if you’d like.

anita

Hey Shannon,

He had been dating another girl – his best friend at the time – when we became involved.

When it comes to trust i can understand why and how this could be affecting you. Firstly, although you never had sex, you ‘did everything else’ (i’m not going to read between the lines, i’m still on the market;) and you’re unsure of trusting him, after all if he and yourself were willing to be together while he was with someone else, it’s like a cycle that could continue. Maybe you secretly are concerned he may be back with her or with someone else, it’s only natural, it happen already with you. I’m not blaming you nor condemning your actions, i have no right to judge your choices and never will.

As both Anita and Elletinker700 have advised, speaking to your partner about this. By speaking your mind at least then he will understand what’s going on with you. No one can read minds. Also, try to understand that the relationship he has with his ex and yourself may not be same kind of ‘love’. Maybe he is supporting her through tough times and loves her as a friend she still is? Maybe your love is the romantic kind, the one where you two are together and share your vulnerabilities with one another. The only way to get over jealously is to a) gain evidence to the contrary and/ or b) accept that you may never have what the other has. This is the hardest, but also the most fulfilling, IMO. Because, we always seem to pine for what we don’t have or believe we deserve.

In your case you want trust, you want love that is comparable if not stronger than his previous relationship. But if that is the case, you are setting yourself up for failure. After all, his previous relationship is just that…in the past. Instead of comparing yourself to something that didn’t work out, try to create your own story and relationship, with improvements and all with your partner. Don’t try to change yourself in order to create what you assume was perfect when that perfection ended.
What do you think?

I wish the best for you, and hope i helped you in some way,
Sincerely,
Matty