Dear iamfreee:

It seems to me that when you were a young child, there was simply not enough love for you. Not enough. So the little that there was yours, you didn’t want taken away. You became fiercely protective of the little love that came your way. When your mother paid attention to the other girl that visited you, that girl took away something that was yours, something you didn’t have enough of.

You didn’t have enough love not because you were greedy but because really, it wasn’t enough. Your mother didn’t pay you enough attention. This is why you were bullied in school for so many years. Your mother wasn’t attentive. If she was paying attention to you, she would have gotten involved and removed you from the bullying situation. Maybe she didn’t notice you were distressed from being bullied, being busy with other things.

If you as a child received the attention you needed, the attention that any child needs, then you wouldn’t have worried someone else, a friend, will take it away. There would be so much of it for you, you wouldn’t feel threatened by another person getting a bit of it. And so you grew up wanting to be number one. You tried to be number one for so long, since early childhood and you still try to be Molly’s number one.

Best is if you attend psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist so to process the hurt of not being number one as a child, for not getting the attention and love you needed then. Once you process that hurt over time, the need to possess will get weaker and weaker.

anita

Dear iamfreee:

You are welcome. It will take time to achieve your goal: “be free from my jealousy and fears for good”- and it may not be for good, I don’t know. But the lesser fear, the better. Every one of us has to find a way to live with some fear.

One day, I hope you have a life partner for whom you will be number one! But with everyone else, try to talk sense to yourself when you feel you are obsessing about being number one-

And regarding strengthening the bond with your mother- I didn’t recommend that because your bond with her, on your part, was always strong. She was your number one. Unfortunately, you were not her number one. I hope you have a good enough relationship with your mother, but don’t focus on it- your healing is not with her.

I did recommend psychotherapy. Maybe your mother can help you with paying for such.

Take care of yourself and do post anytime.

anita

You are welcome, iamfreee-
anita

Dear iamfreee:

As far as whether to give him space, he already made the choice himself by not answering your texts. That means he is taking his space. So I won’t continue to text him.

You cheered him before his finals. Then he failed and you are thinking he is embarrassed for not living up to your cheering. If you do get to communicate with him again, don’t cheer him anymore. Just listen to him, ask him how he feels, and listen.

In your quest to be loved, and to be number one, in that desperation you are not likely to act effectively with people but overwhelm them with your strong emotions, jealousy and possessiveness. This is why I am coming back to the therapy or counseling idea, maybe a self help group for young people, a place for you to express your strong emotions… so to not be overwhelmed by them and to not overwhelm others by them.

I wish I had a fast and easy solution for you but if you give this a few months in therapy / counseling/ self help, you will notice great progress in you, a calming down and the ability to deal with life well.

anita