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Letting Go of His Past

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  • June 14, 2013 at 2:22 pm #36904
    Diana
    Participant

    I have something that I have steadily been trying to let go of.
    The man I’m in a relationship is very good friends with someone he used to have a intimate relationship with. “Friend with Benefits”
    We have spoke about it on countless occasions and he has been very patient and tries to understand and reassure me in any way that he can. However there is something in me that still lets this get to me.
    I have taken the time to get to know this girl and she is wonderful. We even get together on some occasions. And I have expressed to him that there is an insecurity there that makes moving on difficult. The fact that they shared this intimacy together and are still friends bothers me. But I would never ask him to not speak with her again.

    Allegedly when they came to the agreement to persue their “friend with benefits” relationship, it was under the assumption that they did not want to date one another and there were no feelings towards the other. Shortly after this relationship began and after several sexual encounters, it ended due to them not wanting things to get awkward.
    Not a big deal right? It’s the past, and it’s his past.
    I should just let it go and be confident in our relationship and that our relationship is so much more.

    But why can’t I???
    We have such an awesome relationship, why do I go through these phases of feeling so miserable of this situation that happened over a year ago?
    How can I move on from this?

    June 21, 2013 at 6:02 am #37268
    Sandra
    Participant

    Hi

    This isn’t really advice or help but I just wanted you to know you’ve been heard. I do know that an awful lot of people feel this way and try so hard to let it go, to stop it eating them up and potentially wrecking their relationship. Just being told that it’s in the past, and that your partner has chosen to be with you doesn’t work for some.Perhaps there is someone out there with more insight and experience who can shed some light upon this and how to move forward.

    X.

    June 25, 2013 at 4:17 am #37436
    Chopin
    Participant

    Hi Diana
    I’m no great source of wisdom, but I hope these two thoughts are of some assistance.
    When I was much younger, I had a boyfriend who was still friends with his ex girlfriend. I really struggled with it because I knew he had really cared for her and had been very distressed when she had ended their relationship. I felt jealousy, and I hated feeling that way. But gradually just with the passage of time I came to realise that he wouldn’t be with me if he didn’t want to be, and whatever he had had with his ex girlfriend, it was different from what he had with me, and him spending time with her had nothing to do with our relationship. And over time they spent less and less time together, and our relationship grew. I just had to learn to trust him and trust in our relationship. Looking back, I think if I had continued to focus on his relationship with her, and that he was still spending time with her, all it would have done was damage our own relationship, which went on to become one of long standing. So trust in your boyfriend, and if you don’t, perhaps try and look at why.
    My second thought is just this – it sounds like they had a fairly casual sexual relationship, and that neither of them wanted anything more. People regularly feel attracted to someone else in a casual way that has nothing to do with love or deeper feelings or connections. It seems to me that he has found that deeper connection with you, and no longer has a need for the casual relationship he had with her. That’s not to say he doesn’t still like her as a friend, and I think it is quite natural for you to have had some insecurity over this. But it seems to me you need to focus on what you and he have with each other right now, and turn your thoughts away from the past. It is his past, you also have a past, but what happened in his past is not a reflection of what he has now with you.
    My only other advice is that perhaps seeing a little less of her, and not getting together with her, will minimise her place in his life and her importance in yours. Get out there with him and with other people, and let her gently and slowly fade from being such a feature in your present relationship.
    All the best.

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