I honestly don’t think you need to lower your expectations, if this is what you need, this is what you need, you just need to come to terms with the fact it needs to come from you. Being in a relationship you can hope for certain aspects, like; affections, kindness and thoughtfulness etc but you have to be able to give this to yourself in the first instance.
If your partner wanted you to make her a perfect hot chocolate exactly the way she wanted without any instruction it would be near impossible to do. To have this knowledge means it reinforces an inner belief, no one can make me the perfect hot chocolate. Who do you really want this comfort from, where has it been missing in your past? This is where it stems from and the route of your true expectation. As an adult I have had to learn what I need and give it to myself. Sometimes I need to watch a sad film to cry or go to the top of the hill and scream or give myself a warm bubbly bath. As simple and perhaps unpleasing as these may be to you, these give me comfort. If I want outside help I need to fully explore inside help first because without this knowledge I can’t tell someone else how to help me. If i’m tired I’ve learned to tell my partner ‘I’m tired’ and ‘Please can I talk to you/please can you help me with this’. When that person says ‘What do you need’ you need to know this. From what you have said, you want unconditional love, real love. If your partner behaved in a similar manner would you feel open to express your love? Why have these behaviours become habit, when have they worked in the past to get what you want? The main question is where does this negative state originate and where in your history have you learned it is ok to dump it on anyone? Who taught you this? Could this stem from a fear of abandonment?
My honest feeling is although you have been together for a long time, people change and right now you need to explore your pathology, not hers. Once you can connect with this inner struggle as said above so beautifully, the explanation makes no difference, asking for a head rub or a cuddle when you need one becomes the focus. She may not know how to diffuse your anger but giving a hug is easy when asked for x

I hope since the start of this post you have found peace xx