Home→Forums→Relationships→Letting Go of Expectations
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September 24, 2014 at 1:21 pm #65496
TodzillaParticipantRan into a recent recurrence of long festering relationship dysfunction. Thanks to her threat of divorce, I think I had a bit of an emergency epiphany: I was contributing to the dysfunction by harboring very specific expectations that she can’t/won’t live up to. So, I need to let go of those expectations, since I was measuring her love by how she compared to them, which I know is destructive.
The struggle is how to let go of those expectations. In a nutshell, although I’m a generally happy and optimistic person, I do sometimes feel anger, disappointment, sadness and rarely but sometimes, profound sadness. In these negative states, I expect her to comfort me, reassure me and not find fault in how I have handled things, but she cannot. She quite literally retreats, often stating that she can’t handle my anger/sadness or silently exiting the room/house/planet. My expressions of anger involve muttering under my breath, usually impugning myself or fate, which I haven’t consider worthy of her ostracizing. My expression of sadness can be more pronounced, but still I expect her to comfort me.
When she abandons me at the very moment I seek her comfort, it upsets me and feeds the cycle as I get increasingly resentful of her. I have explained very clearly that I seek comfort, which puzzles her. She asks me what “comfort” would look like. I instruct her on physical embrace and words of empathy, like “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you’re feeling bad” and she looks at me like I’m speaking Martian. It’s quite a gender role reversal. During some moments she will acknowledge that she can’t handle anger, even in small doses, due to family issues and she has expectations that I should express my love for her by knowing her feelings on anger and sadness and bottling them up forever. Yet, she can be one of the most rage filled people I know during her low moments. It’s quite perplexing.
Anyway, I need to stop expecting her to aid me in troubled times, which frankly, is a difficult thing to do. I consider comforting a loved one experiencing low points to be a central part of a loving relationship, so it feels like I’m lowering the bar to pointlessness.
When my father died, and other occasions where my sadness was caused by a purely external and irretrievable event, she comforted me beautifully, held me and said all the right things, without any prompting. But when I’ve had very troubling work experiences when my ability to provide for my family felt threatened, she responded to my despondence with a “Wow, I can’t relate to you now. I have to leave.” And she did.
I know it’s wrong to view this as “Am I right to expect this?” vs. “Is she unreasonable to withhold comfort when I explicitly ask for it?”
I know I need to learn to not just lower the expectations bar, but remove it altogether and experience her love on her terms. My brain understands this imperative, but how do I get my heart to follow?
Your thoughts?
Thanks
September 24, 2014 at 3:30 pm #65502
MattParticipantTodzilla,
Bravo, I’m really impressed by how clearly you’re noticing thoughts and emotions. Not knowing what is really happening on her side leaves me wondering…perhaps without you, she has some difficulty keeping her empathy open. Said differently, perhaps she is already full of her daily stresses, and when you unload, she doesn’t have the space to hear you.
Also, are you dumping out your stress or asking her for comfort? Such as, blerting out a bunch of random gobbly-goo, then waning her to run and console you? Or approaching her emotionally, such as “wow, i’ve had a long day. Could I get a hug?”. Possibly, as she tries to listen to your story, she gets lost or disoriented. With your obviously sophisticated and well honed awareness, its plausible you’re seriously overwhelming her with data.
Dropping the bar altogether is a great goal, in my opinion. Consider: less “turning toward one another to rekindle our heart, release our stress” and more “shaking off the stress, rekindling the heart, and sharing in the warmth that remains.” Practically, this looks like self care taking the brunt, such as having a 15 meditation when you get home, so you can parse the white noise stress from the actual needs. Like, take a shower, and if stink remains, perhaps then ask for some back scrubbing. If meditation isn’t your thing, perhaps a walk in nature, some light exercise, soft music, a bath.
With warmth,
MattSeptember 25, 2014 at 3:05 am #65536TodzillaParticipantMatt,
Thanks for your insights! To answer your questions, I think I am guilty of dumping stress and expecting her to respond with specific tones of empathy and comfort. As you imply, I would probably have better results asking more directly. But I also think I have more visceral/primal urges to dump stress, and that’s a difficult urge to control, even if it’s on rare occasions.
I fear we’re perfectly matched, but in a bad way. She expects me to not express any anger or sadness, I expect her to react to my anger or sadness with comfort. Neither of us is being fair to each other, or to ourselves.
We’ve known each other for 35 years and have been together as a couple for 23 years. We still have lots of work to do.
I’m open to any suggestions on the framework for letting go.
September 25, 2014 at 7:42 am #65551MattParticipantTodzilla,
I consider meditation to be the best framework for working with stress, as breathing alongside our thoughts and feelings has a way of letting the moot remain moot. However, I can try to repaint it in a way that may help with your focus, intentions, and help you find answers to “what do I wish to do with my relationship? My time with her?”
For a different framework for your relationship, consider that you two are perhaps matched up perfectly in a good way. You don’t get coddled, are sort of left to battle/work with your own negative emotions. It would be different if she were the source of your stress, or negligent in times where death and disease were weighing on you. However, she’s not that. It sounds more like she doesn’t like you randomly pooping in her face. That’s not good or bad, it just is how she is.
Consider a different approach. Every time you two connect, there is a nearly infinite potential of what could happen. Her heart to yours, and yours to her, opens up a rich fertility of reality. Much like a garden, where almost anything can become planted. Instead of trying to “express what I am” into the garden, such as “well, I’m angry, so I have an urge to speak about angry topics” consider “surrendering into the glow”, such as “I’m angry, but can surrender again into the warmth of our connection, and come home.”
Like a king might come back to his castle, and rather than recounting tales of battles won and lost, kingdom defended, dragons met on the field… he takes off his armor, sets down the daily battle, and relaxes in the comfort of the queen’s embrace. Perhaps her tender heart has no stomach for blood and gore, doesn’t wish to hear how heads were chopped off, how guts spilled from bellies. Can you really resent her for that? Its not from weakness that her stomach turns, its because the stories are stomach turning. Where else would the visceral revulsion/stress be coming from?
From a different direction, consider that your anger and other discursive emotions and thoughts aren’t inherent. You don’t have to get angry, its actually some kind of ego-clinging, some frame of interpretation that makes other people’s actions appear in your head as “all about you”, pushing your body into fight or flight mode, battle mode, and aggression pushes you to “stay with that moment”, “take it into the core”. Meditation deconstructs the triggers, so you can do something different, rather than taking it deep into your viscera. However, this takes time and noble effort, conscious choosing to turn away from habitual aggression.
And there rests your queen, who doesn’t do well with your aggression, excusing herself. What a blessing! What a helpful indicator that you’re mindlessly pooping into your garden! Rehashing, dumping, reliving. Instead of planting, weeding, fertilizing. Consider a different approach. If you’ve had a stressful day, consider bringing her some flowers, finding a card that sings to your heart, or writing her a love poem. Instead of trying to bring the experiences of battle to the home, show appreciation for the difference between the outside world and the special fertile garden of romance and wonder that grows between you two. Outside the gates of your castle, perhaps some days it becomes dark and stormy. That happens, the world has a way of giving us weather we don’t expect. But, inside the castle, let it be warm and juicy, which naturally happens when both of you are given space to blossom. Said differently, consider her heart a tender jewel to polish, appreciate, hold dearly… rather than a squire that should be made to help you take off your armor.
With warmth,
MattSeptember 27, 2014 at 2:14 pm #65644
rosamundiParticipantThank you so much for asking this question, Todzilla – I recognise a lot of it in myself. Too much. Hmm.
And thank you, ever-amazing Matt for this: “It sounds more like she doesn’t like you randomly pooping in her face. That’s not good or bad, it just is how she is.” It made me laugh out loud, and at the same time, made me see what I do, way too often… Eeerrrkkk!
In future, I shall aim for “But, inside the castle, let it be warm and juicy” instead. 🙂
Metaphors are so powerful.
September 29, 2014 at 5:13 am #65728TodzillaParticipantStill struggling with all of this.
Her threats of divorce, withholding of intimacy and implications that there is symmetry in our struggles (none of which I’ve responded to outside of an outward appearance of love and acceptance) seem to be indicative of her need to control. I feel I am re-auditioning as her husband and that she has absolutely no interest in understanding me. I am really working on letting go of wanting to be understood, of not expecting her to be compassionate, of surrendering my ego and just serving her seemingly insatiable needs.
This is really terrifying and I can’t deny that I feel tremendous anger at her. The ultimatums of divorce, of her trumping any attempts for me to share my feelings by steamrolling over them with “yeah, but I feel…,” and of her responding to any attempts to be encouraged by re-issuing the threats. There is so much I am not saying in order to keep peace, while she seems unconstrained there.
Can I approach an ego-less state? What will be left of me? Who will I have become? Better in many ways, but so completely foreign.
September 29, 2014 at 5:59 am #65736MattParticipantTodzilla,
She sees symmetry in your struggles? What is she wrestling with? Where is she at? If she has lack of compassion, what is going on for her that collapses that spacious warmth?
You’re speaking as though to let go of your side and be there for her, is somehow self sacrifice. As though Todd will be lost as he scrapes and serves her. That’s not compassion, either. That’s “Todd being so caught up in Todd that he doesn’t have space to see where she’s really at.”
Consider that “withholding intimacy” is your side. Her side is perhaps “not in the mood” or “not feeling it”. “Wanting to control” is your side. Her side is perhaps “looking for stable ground”.
The most troublesome is this “auditioning to be her husband” quality. Because you two are married, do you feel you have some type of rights? Perhaps you have been taking something for granted that you should have been honoring all along. Assuming you “got the part”, “have that in the bag”, and so stepped away from wooing her. Said differently, each moment is an audition, a chance to show her what you’re made of. Are you an angry son-of-a-bitch? Are you really so blind that you think she doesn’t know how mad you are? If you can unclench your mind around this notion “I’m not being heard, how unjust!” then perhaps you could see how you’re not hearing her, either, and in your anger, your strong urges to be seen, heard, and loved, are judging her need for recalibration as manipulative and unjust. Its her need, friend, and she is right to take a stand.
With warmth,
MattSeptember 29, 2014 at 9:37 am #65739TodzillaParticipantMatt,
First of all, thank you for taking the time to read my responses carefully. Second, thank you for taking the time to respond with a bit of tough love.
I think your points are all good ones. As you’ve intimated, I am definitely struggling with expectations. A bit of background: my spouse is very moody, by her own admission. She will go into unprovoked rages and say things that deeply, very deeply hurt. Over the years, this has affected me and caused me to question her motives. She has picked up on this and accuses me of making inferences into her motives that are not charitable. But when I tell her that I am hurt by her words, she re-casts her motives as pure and good, and casting this as my issue. It may not come out in my narrative, but I am trying extremely hard to understand and support her, but it is so difficult so let go of her cruel words, her ultimatums and her lack of interest in understanding me.
I know a good Buddhist would say that I am bringing this upon myself by viewing it as a contest and I suppose that’s right to some extent. Letting go is so hard, and it’s so unclear where I’ll be as I approach that.
September 29, 2014 at 10:54 am #65741MattParticipantTodzilla,
Even the most loving lioness roars when a thorn is in her paw. Her motive is the same as it always is, she’s trying to find happiness. Said differently, there is a big, huge, difference between having afflictive motives, and trying not to take ownership of her own thoughts, feelings, and actions. “I hit you from love, I swear it” is garbage of course, but it doesn’t mean she wants to hit you, perhaps is afraid that if she exposes her imperfection, you’ll do terrible things with it. How much fun would you have, for instance, were she to say to you she lashed out in anger. “I knew it, you have bad motives!” Rather than “of course, my love, your anger makes sense, come to my arms and find comfort”.
I don’t know about good Buddhists, but perhaps letting go might be “set aside your fear that she intends harm”. It seems more like she is afraid herself, perhaps that you don’t love the real her, warts and all. So she tries to hide them, and can’t.
You’re right to notice she doesn’t fight fair… but consider that you perhaps seem much stronger than she feels, and so any tool to do the needed job. Like, Toddzilla looms over her, and she kicks at your balls. Perhaps the lesson is less looming? Less “trying to ferret out the truth”, and more “invite her to love you.”
With warmth,
MattSeptember 29, 2014 at 10:57 am #65742
KatieParticipantHi Todzilla,
I struggle with this too. Our situations are a lot different, but I have recently made the realization that my expectations are getting in the way of my happiness and ruining my relationships. So I am trying to release them as well. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, but am grateful that you posted this because of the responses it’s prompting!
Matt – thank you so much for sharing your insights with us! I am frequently blown away by your perspective and I really can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me deal with my daily struggles in a much more peaceful and positive way. This topic in particular I am loving your responses to. I love your analogy of the King coming home to his Queen and not rehashing stories of the battle. BUT what I continue to struggle with (albeit less and less frequently!) is the worry that by not sharing things that are bothering me (little things that happen at work, etc) there is a distance that is created between me and my boyfriend. Like I’m not sharing my day with him, so this must be a bad thing. I think the more I just let myself be present and enjoy moments with him and not poop in his face, the more we BOTH enjoy each other and THIS is what strengthens our relationship, not the constant-sharing-of-shitty-moments-of-the-day. But, I am just curious about your perspective on this?
September 29, 2014 at 1:39 pm #65747MattParticipantKatie,
That’s an interesting one, and I think you’re right on target with the notion that the more present both are, the more knowing really grows. Consider when we bake an apple pie, there is a lot of work that goes into it. Peeling, slicing, spicing, rolling dough, baking. During all of that, we might feel stress. Burn our arm, nick a fingernail, drop a pie plate on our toe. Any number of little trips. When we serve the pie, what do we want our loved one to know? The pie or the journey of making the pie? If we tell them all the parts that go into creating the pie, perhaps they’ll be thinking about that, rather than simply enjoying the pie. If the baker lets go, just gives them the pie, and rests openly as the pie is eaten, then the resulting smiling of both baker and (eater?) makes the journey insignificant, unstaining. Who remembers the nicks and singes when there is chewing and singing?
Said differently, consider that the Katie that was at work is already dead and moved on by the time she gets home. Are you really defined by the gossipy whathaveyous of who said what to whom? If you were injured, or something else more troubling than some random “wind through the trees”, that would be different. My teacher noted that we don’t try to turn molehills into mountains, such as regurgitating the moot to try to be better known, painting our pain so they know what we’ve been through. But we also don’t try to turn mountains into molehills, such as not talking about what is important. Knowing the difference, and where those lines are, is personal for all of us. Said differently, if you wish to be known, draw attention to what is in front of him, rather than what is behind you. You’re already right there!
In a practical example, consider “wow, all day I was wearing tight shoes, and every step brought discomfort. I walked to the store, and ouch the whole way. I walked to the office, and ouch the whole way. Then, my boss asked me to go back to the conference room and lead the discussion, and the whole time I was standing my feet were mad at me. Then, the co-worker asked me to run across the whole office to…” etc. Instead of “my feet hurt, would you rub them?” Does he need to know the why? Does it change anything?
With warmth,
MattOctober 1, 2014 at 5:05 am #65847TodzillaParticipantMatt,
Your post from the morning of 9/29 has been a fountain of light for me. I have re-read it numerous times and it is really helping me let go of anger (not suppress it, but let it go) and re-frame the situation in a more loving light.
I thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
October 1, 2014 at 5:17 am #65848MattParticipant🙂
October 2, 2014 at 2:25 am #65895TodzillaParticipantSo, things are getting “better” in that we’re being more positive in our interactions. A weekend in the mountains was good, although there were moments I felt great anger toward her. Rather than suppress it, rather than let it boil over, I stepped outside myself and examined the anger, acknowledged it and let it go.
She wants to undergo joint counseling, which I welcome. Of course, we’ll need to find the right person, as I’m trying to let go of anger and expectations and I don’t know if it will help to engage in a therapeutic course that follows the paths and roots of anger. I still feel the wounded child in me seeking justice and craving her deep acknowledgement of the pain she caused me. I know that child won’t be satisfied and that I need to follow a different and more enlightened path.
My partner is starting to acknowledge her own anger and the role her unprovoked rages play in our relationship. She explodes, says devastating things which she lately blithely dismisses and then wonders why I’m guarded, untrusting and inferring bad motives in her behavior. Where I would normally feel vindicated from her new-found self-awareness and think “Hell yeah, you’d better apologize,” I’m trying now to feel joy that she’s observing her own anger in order to let it go. And I prepare myself for future rages which I hope to view as profound expressions of pain, not as an excuse to see my self as its victim.
I cannot consider myself “cured” from the impulses of my wounded child, not ever. But I will focus on getting outside of the anger from those impulses and see her behavior not as wrongs against me, but as expressions of her own pain.
All for now.
October 9, 2014 at 12:02 pm #66159 -
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