What do you do when the person you’re trying to let go off (not by choice btw) is ignoring you and won’t allow you to speak and express feelings? It’s a door slam in the face! Talk about resentment and pain.

Sucks.

Danielle,

I’m sorry for the painfulness you experience, and understand that it can be puzzling to want to let go, and not know how. Sometimes our minds grasp onto things, and as this happens, we make the object, words, actions about us. This leads us to feel like an injustice has been done, as though someone has trespassed, pierced our warmth and stability. Said differently, perhaps if you can find the difference between “he is being hurtful” and “I am feeling hurt by his actions” you will find the detachment you’re looking for. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider the story of the lion with a thorn in his paw, roaring and thrashing. Many were afraid of the lion, but one courageous being saw through the lion’s vibrating energy and stepped forward and pulled out the thorn. The lion was perhaps too worked up to even know where the pain was coming from! Perhaps you could spend a few moments comparing the lion to him. He roars, and you make it about you. Not “he has a thorn in his paw/heart/mind”… some ignorance or unskillful pattern that causes him to lash out… and instead, you grab onto it as all about you “how could he say that to me! How could he invade my heart with such sourness? Alright mind, lets punch him, be angry, defend ourselves against his behaviors, and attack him to force his surrender. Then we can get back to loving one another.”

Instead, you can step aside and not make it about you. Perhaps he is stressed about his work, or his mom’s illness, or feels attacked by your words. Who knows the why or what, but it probably has little to nothing to do with you. Even loving people say harsh words when their mind is spinning and the entanglement sets in. Said differently, both of you have difficulty letting go, most of us do, and often we have to wait for the energy to blow itself out before we can even see the beauty before us. Consider how painful it is for you to have the thorn of “he is hurtful” spinning in your mind… he has those too! They are very painful for him, as yours are for you. When we spend time looking at that, seeing that deeply, and letting ourselves feel love for our suffering partner, the more compassion we have available in the moments we struggle ourselves.

When the thorn is actually generating painfulness in your mind, such as during or right after the “he is hurtful” view arises (such as during an argument) consider moving your attention to the breath. “This sensation in my mind is odd, its almost like a headache. Odd how many thoughts pop in and spin around this thorn, interesting. Oh yeah, the breath.”. Focus on the sensations of air sweeping past the nose, the coolness deep in the nasal cavity behind the eyes, the rising and falling of the abdomen and so forth. Try not to slide into the cycle, and if you do, be gentle with yourself and move your attention back to the breath. This is like slowly stopping yourself from tossing wood into a fire. If you stop feeding it, it burns out. You dont have to figure out how to douse it, just breathe. Namaste sister, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt

Maile,

I really enjoy the way you’re looking at the situation. On one hand, being around certain people can trigger us into painful cycles, and on the other, its not their suffering that causes ours. So what do we do? Do we endure the moment as a lesson that strengthens our own practice of letting go? Do we walk away?

The question is really only answered within, as its between us and our heart. The path of joy needn’t be an endurance trial, and sometimes the lesson of the thorn bush is to not press into it. Said differently, if another persons energy consistently inspires painful cycling in the mind and body, perhaps it is best to wish them well from a distance. It is very important to protect the tender shoots of awareness that grow in our mind. “Do no harm” includes learning not to put ourselves in harm’s way.

That being said, if we can get to the other side where the jealousy and insecurity doesn’t arise, we become free. In this way, those who challenge us become our dear teachers. Sometimes our teachers are those who pour heartfelt wisdom, and sometimes our teachers are those who mirror for us, revealing afflictive karma we have yet to overcome.

As a general guideline, if the experience is met with curiosity and hope on your side (before and after the trigger/spin cycle) then bravo, keep growing. If it is more like sacrifice and martyrdom, then we’re actually just being unkind to ourselves. As we back away and grow our shoots into thick roots, other people’s dancing doesn’t pull nearly as hard at us. “Oh look, jealous ripples in my mind, time to breathe and let go.”

Namaste, Maile, its OK to trust the growing wisdom of your heart… that is what leads you to experience and share your light and love.

With warmth,
Matt

Danielle,

I’m happy for you, and thanks for the kind words. Isn’t it funny how easy the path is to walk once we see it? Old habits take time to erode, but our hearts are strong enough to see theory through into the light we become. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Hi,
Today I have decided to take the bull by the horn……………back in 2011, I had an accident while crossing the road two bikes hit me and left scars on my left arm…………………This April, I had a fall from a stupid act and left bruises on the same left arm and left knee and legs…..from then I regretted the act which left me so depressed and ashamed…. I went to plastic surgeons and the option was not favorable on how I could get the scars away. I used various scar creams but nothing could vanish them….as I wanted. My anxiety and depression increased, I would always remember that day and really regret my act even though people kept encouraging me…I would spend hours on the internet looking at different sites on scars………my concentration was cut short with low self esteem and regrets. But with all these I look to Jesus to heal me and restore me back so that I can be happy……….Right now by his grace I really don’t care what the scars look like but I want to take the bold step and move on to be happy with my kids and husband. I know I have made some mistakes and I regret what it cost me, 7 months of restlessness, low self esteem, lack of concentration, regret and depression. I have taken the bold step to come to terms with my situation and only be grateful that my situation are just mere scars and not disfigurement or even death, I pray as I take this step, It would go a long way to helping me go through the aisle of recovery and being a stronger person.