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February 23, 2016 at 8:31 am #96889
LslerParticipant5 month relationship thats’ hit the point where it’s either going to be a long-term commitment, or needs to end; a revelation which has freaked out my partner. About her – she was divorced about a year ago and had just started to put herself out there again (with some coaxing from her friends), when we met. We adore one another (no talk of love, though it’s surely felt) and have great times together.
The problem: she’s gotten cold feet when thinking about our future. As she puts it: she’s not sure she gave herself enough time to be an individual and find herself again before meeting me. And thinking of the future, she’s not sure she’s ready to be an US again. She assures me, and I believe it, that it’s nothing to do with me or us, that it’s her needing to step back and make sure her head is right and in a good place so that in a years time, she won’t regret jumping into the relationship again so quickly before taking care of herself. I can appreceiate this, though, I’m not sure how to handle the situation.
So here’s where it stands:
She thinks in the grey, while I’m fairly black and white. I essentially gave her three options: stay together but back off/slow down, break up completely and cut all ties, or just be friends (for which she knows I am essentially incapable of being just friends especially when the physical attraction is so strong). In her ideal world (I think) we would break up, maintain contact (friends), and try again when she’s ready (if we’re both in an appropriate place, at that time). I think I will resent her under these circumstances. In my mind, what we have is too good to just throw away (break up), so we’ve left it at a stay together but back off state. This has been excruciatingly painful for me. I want to talk to her all the time, be with and near her, but I have to respect that she needs space…which is leading me to resent her anyway. Mind you, anytime I call/text/invite her to something, she’s responsive, happy to talk to/see me. She’s also very supportive in reassuring me that she’s into me and us, just has some personal issues to sort through.
The questions I struggle with:
How can I keep my sanity in this relationship while respecting her need for space?
What boundaries/guidelines should be in-place if this relationship is to continue, as is?
Does it even make sense for the relationship to continue?Any input, suggestions, thoughts are sincerely appreciated.
February 23, 2016 at 8:50 am #96891
DinaParticipantHm. This is a difficult situation, and one I can relate to.
When youve been an “us” for so long, and youre just starting to recognize youre individuality again, it’s really scary for someone to give you ultimatums. I hit a similar situaion 5 months ago. I wanted to be single and I met someone great who wanted to be with me. I told him I was not ready for something serious just yet. I wasnt even willing to be exclusive with him. He was clearly disappointed, but told me he knew he would regret it if he didnt give us a chance, so he stayed. Ultimately, I fell for him and we got to where we are today: a happy, exclusive couple looking at a future together.
I think if you truly believe this could be something wonderful, you need to let her do this at the pace that she is comfortable with. It doesnt have to be all or nothing here. You can be together and enjoy each other without those “Serious” discussions until she is ready. I dont mean you two should become friends (as in my opinion that will break what you currently have). I just mean make the relationship a bit more lighthearted and a lot less scary for her. Tell her you are happy to go at her pace because you want to see where this can go, but be sure to tell her that friendship is not an option for you (compromise is key, right?).
If you are at a place in your life where you want a serious relationship to evolve sooner rather than later, she may not be the best fit for you. She is not a girl who is ready to give you everything.
In my opinion, your best bet here is thinking long and hard about what you want. If it is her, you need to give her time. If it is a serious relationship, you may need to let her go for your own sake.
I truly hope you find what you are looking for. I completely understand how difficult these types of situations can be, and I feel for you.
February 23, 2016 at 10:17 am #96900LslerParticipantThanks Dina. That’s some good insight, and some much appreciated empathy. To be clear: I want her.
The part I struggle with is that she has told me things that lead me to believe she was ready for something long term. And I think that she truly thought she was ready. So, this is very confusing (from fast to slow, when my experiences are usually the opposite).
In compromising, would it be fair to put a timeline or a date of reckoning on this process or would that apply too much pressure (obviously we’d discuss what’s reasonable)? She (or I for that matter) could feel differently tomorrow, next month, or next year. I mean, I can and will wait, and I doubt it would get to the point where it’s ridiculously dragged out (we ain’t getting any younger), but is waiting a year for someone that I’ve known half that long too much? I want to be fair to her and myself here.
February 23, 2016 at 10:38 am #96902
AnonymousGuestDear Lsler:
You mentioned two options: to slow down or break up. You chose the first for now but it is driving you crazy at times. If this option continues to distress you, it is fair that you abandon it.
You mentioned that you don’t understand starting a relationship and then slowing it down, moving from fast to slow when your experience is the opposite. i think it is a good point that you are making.
So it started fast and then she withdrew. It means to me that she has doubts. She wants to free herself from commitment to you while keeping you available as an option if she is fully committed to you in the future.
This whole slowing down may very well be a manipulative initiative on her part. A manipulative initiative on her part not intended to mess you up but to make her life more secure: be free AND have you to go back to when she needs you. She obviously needs you there at times and later, maybe more.
What do you think?
anita
February 23, 2016 at 10:49 am #96905DinaParticipantI definitely think that does put pressure on her, but I dont think it’s a bad thing. It’s important that you both get what you need out of a relationship. She needs freedom, and you need commitment. If you want to continue with her, I think it’s fair to suggest xtime of letting her think about things and on xday deciding to either move forward or to separate. You’re right — noone’s getting younger here and while it’s important to give people a fair chance, it’s also important not to drag something out if you know there is no future.
At the end of the day, every couple is different. I think you’ll benefit most by being straightforward with her. Telling her how you feel and that you are willing to give her the time that she needs because you see the potential of a wonderful future with her, but also expressing your needs and finding ways to meet them as well. She has to give a little too (though I wouldnt suggest phrasing it that way, never good to put someone on the defensive in these types of conversations).
Anita-
I find your comment interesting. I think you have a point here — she likely is doing this to keep herself safe. As I mentioned before, giving yourself to a person completely is really scary. I am definitely known to pull back when I feel strongly because I’m afraid of getting hurt. Easier to stop now than to get hurt later when I have stronger feelings. Thanks for giving me something new to think about 🙂
February 23, 2016 at 10:52 am #96907AnonymousGuest* You are welcome, Dina! We do give each others new angles to think from, don’t we? ..And isn’t it interesting how fear seems to play a strong part in almost everything in life?
anitaFebruary 23, 2016 at 11:32 am #96913LslerParticipantHi Anita- thanks for the response. When you say “free herself from commitment to you” I do agree to some extent. By staying together, we’ve agreed to remain exclusive with one another. But she does want/need, it seems, to free herself from being solely focused on us and me.
She is certainly not the type to intentionally manipulate a situation, though you may be right. I believe she’s trying to be completely honest with herself and me about where her head is at. I know she’s afraid to lose me, but I think she’s afraid to lose herself more. Something I cannot fault her for. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, I know where my head is at (in terms of our relationship) AND that I’m capable of taking the route of long-term commitment… something I’m hoping she’ll realize at some point.
I’m thinking that this may be a good opportunity, and a reminder, to work on myself. So that, whatever the result of this situation, a personal (and hopefully mutual) positive can come of it.
February 23, 2016 at 11:44 am #96916AnonymousGuestDear Lsler:
I don’t think I took into consideration the fact that she is committed to be exclusive with you. This makes a difference. If she is exclusive but wants to see you … twice a week instead of five days a week, well, this makes sense. As long as you are both honest and open with each other, no hidden agendas, as long as fears are discussed…
anita
February 23, 2016 at 11:51 am #96917LslerParticipantDina – that’s an interesting point, about me needing commitment and her needing freedom. I like the candor. I have a tendency to catastophize and over-analyze, and she’s a bit of a dreaming optimist (totally enviable to me), so we are quite attuned to the give-and-take. But, it validates that if we can compromise and find a generally, happy medium in this situation (as we have in others, albeit, less critical) then this could be a very good and healthy experience for both of us, regardless of outcome.
I did ask her if she’s thought of a loose timeline for this adjustment and she hadn’t really, but did say that she was not interested in dragging things/emotions out longer than seems reasonable.
February 23, 2016 at 11:59 am #96918LslerParticipantAnita – Quite funny you say that (RE seeing eachother twice a week rather than 5 days a week), as I was going to add something of the sort, but opted not to. That is indeed the case.
Anita and Dina – Honest and open communication it shall be! I feel much better about giving this a fair shot thanks to the input you both have offered. You’ve certainly ease my over-analytical mind and, most importantly, helped make my day better!! Thank you!!
February 23, 2016 at 12:03 pm #96919DinaParticipantAnytime 🙂 We are all here to help and support one another.
Hoping you have a wonderful rest of your day!
February 23, 2016 at 12:10 pm #96921AnonymousGuestDear Lsler:
Indeed, you are welcome and please do post again anytime!
anita -
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