Dear Anita, yes thank you for replying and taking time to reply to me. I have this personality where I expect bit too much from myself, easily critisize myself, come to conclusion that it’s my mistake even when there is really no evidence to support it, expect some degree of perfection from myself, bit stubborn, hardly loved my own self and so on. As a result of these traits it makes me ideal candidate to suffer from mental issues if there is any setback as it becomes very difficult to let it go. Once I start feeling guilty there is just no way for me to feel better about myself as guilt only attracts more guilt and negative feelings. When I suffered from testicular cancer I just couldn’t let it go. It was very difficult for me to let it go and forget about it. To add to this I hardly received any support from my family.

I am already on two medications right now to feel better but I am determined to make progress using other methods. I am already practicing Louise Hay meditation as I find it helpful. I just feel that I need to cry and also release all built up guilt. So I was wondering if anyone has tried Reiki or something else? I am happy to try anything.

Edit: Also note as I am realizing more about myself I am trying to make changes. I am adding some level of compassion and self love and trying to not expect too much. But it’s going to take time.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by howtoloveme.

Dear Anita, yes it’s very hard for me. I don’t think my parents understood how bad I was feeling emotionally. But this is due to barriers in our culture too as we can’t talk much about taboo subjects very openly. Hence I could never explain them that I am blaming myself for my testicular cancer due to masturbation. Letting it go and not feeling very guilty about this whole experience has been very difficult for me. Due to all this I am not surprised that my emotions are not in control. Also as a child my schooling was pretty difficult. So I do have lack of self esteem/confidence to begin with.

Can I please request you to remove my name from initial replies.

Dear Anita, Yes I am also referring to not getting enough support while being sick. I just couldn’t express myself very well and never got chance to vent out my frustration, anger, guilt etc. that came with testicular cancer. I still struggle to express these emotions as I struggle to cry. If I had expressed my emotions better and had told them what I feel, why I feel like that etc. than that could have been much better and I probably could have got more support. But I can’t go back and change anything of it now.

I am not focusing on the past now as i need to really move on. This is what I did yesterday: I released all pent up anger that was building up in my body. This anger is towards myself and my parents. There is particular meditation from Louise Hay to release anger which I find very useful. I am going to continue using that one to keep releasing all anger towards myself, my whole situation etc. I am hoping that I will be able to cry a lot soon and release all my held up emotions.