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Learning to deal with stress with an ex

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  • September 12, 2013 at 9:41 am #42121
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Yesterday I got some great advice for dealing with my fear/trust issues (thanks Matt!) which ties into this.

    My partner has an ex wife who has a LOT of mental issues, and she’s abusive in a lot of ways. That’s stressful for him to deal with that, and his kids, whom I live with all of them.

    Recently my partner started a new job, which is an amazing opportunity and we’re both, very, very grateful for him to have this job. It’s a huge stress relief for him to go to a job that he enjoys so much. Unfortunately/fortunately, it leaves me at home virtually every single weekend, in a small town that I just moved to 8 months ago, with no vehicle since he takes our car to work (quite a distance away).

    I go for walks, and try to get out a bit in the fresh air since nature always calms me down. I read some, journal and write things down a lot, do some house work, things like that, but I find I over-think when he’s gone. His presence calms me when he’s around, and my mind kind of gets frantic sometimes when he’s gone, thankfully not all the time. Sometimes I miss the closeness, affection, conversations and laughter when he’s gone, even though it’s only for 2 nights a week (It’s only been about 2 months since he started the new job, so I’m still getting used to him being away for the weekends).

    I get scared (no, terrified) about the situation with his ex, she’s a lost angry soul, who takes out a LOT on the kids (and my partner), nervous about how he’s dealing with that extremely stressful situation, how the kids are doing with their Mom on the weekend, and praying that she doesn’t do anything awful to them again.

    Then I find I get angry and sad, because even though I’m in a loving relationship, right now I feel it’s best to support and help all of them through this leg of their journey, but I can’t seem to get my own journey going, as an individual. Sometimes I feel bitter for feeling like “What about me?”, and then I feel guilty, because I know at this time, I am the only one who can put all my energy into me. I find it so much easier to put my energy into helping others, but struggle when it comes to helping myself. My partner, he loves me dearly, both in actions and in words, and has for almost 2 years, but he has to sort out this mess so he can move on from his past, just like I’ve worked hard to do with my own haunting past 🙂

    Everything hits me in waves, which I do believe is normal, and I’m doing better at trying to focus on the positive things, on the things that I am grateful for in the here and now. I had a friend of mine move to town, so I’m hoping to spend a bit of time with them, even just for a cup of tea, and that might help me a bit to make the adjustment from being home alone every weekend.

    Any suggestions for what else I could do. Even if it’s things I could do in my journal to help me work through and appreciate the alone time (since I’m not used to it anymore from moving in with him and the kiddos 8 months or so ago).

    Thanks for any wisdom you can offer. Peace
    – k

    September 12, 2013 at 2:01 pm #42157
    Matt
    Participant

    Kellie,

    I’m sorry for the restlessness you experience, and can understand why it would be odd to have a silent home for a few days a week. A few things came to heart as I read and considered your words.

    Imagine you go into a concert with really loud music. Drums beating, guitars roaring, singer.. well, singing. The closer to the speakers you’re sitting, the more vibration strikes against you. We perceive it as loud and perhaps the bass in the chest and so on. Then you step outside, and there is ringing in the ears, which feels painful. “What is this ringing… it doesn’t happen inside the concert hall!?!” So we seek around us for more noise so we don’t hear the painful ringing.

    To bring the metaphor back to Kellie land, perhaps during the week your close concern for your partner and children is like sitting close to the speakers. So you absorb some vibrations (abusive mom, daily stressors, etc) and don’t really notice because its all about them. Getting lost in the music so to speak. Which is fine, normal… especially for “dharma moms”. Then on the weekends, as your mind unwinds its a bit painful. It has the appearance of only arising when no one is there, but it was actually there the whole time… just was covered by laughter, dinners, homework, cleaning, TV etc etc etc.

    Its wonderful that you’re spending time self nurturing on the weekends. This, more than any other thing, is “getting the personal journey in gear”. From your words, being a dancer filled with love and light is more important than any specifically manifested item, destination visited, or circumstantial quality of your life. You have two blessed days, where you can spend time looking in the mirror and ask “what is here? where is my heart leading me? What is my mind and body doing with the circumstances that are here?” Etc. I see a pocket of space/time which is like an alter or meditation cushion. You have 5 days of chaos, then 2 to reflect on how well you danced, where to improve, what you did especially well, what blessings flowed through and around you. This makes for a well refueled woman come Sunday evening.

    From there, other things just begin to work themselves out. As the stress (ear ringing) settles, your creative heart swells and inspires your art… whatever type of canvas you choose to express it on. To supercharge the settling of mind and emotions, consider some concentration meditation (counting breaths, breath awareness) as well as metta meditation. Imagine how nice it would feel to be able to rest in the silence, instead of worrying. That’s an available option! Namaste.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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