Every time Anna came to town and asked me to meet her right away, I could not say no. I am a sucker of saying yes and in last few years I uttered impulsively yes to her and made time for her. This new year is no exception that she needs my time since she is in town for a week or two and already laid down her plans to me. All these years I had the fear of let go. I felt stressed of this thought and every time she spoiled me, I felt rancorous as an aftermath. She has already broken all the rules in the book of being friend with benefits. I cannot let this continue no more. I need to respect my time and have my needs met, restore back my self esteem and let go of this relationship peacefully. It is not even a relationship by any standard, so I should be honest – I never fell for her. It has to end immediately – a precarious non-relationship that existed between us.

I am not afraid of being alone any more and over time I have developed a mentality that provides me strength as I see opportunities – plenty of it lying ahead of me. With this mindset of abundant opportunities, I have carefully chosen to channel my time, energy and effort on something useful rather than wasting on no-strings attached quasi relationship that works well for her but harrowing for my mentality.

In yester years, we spent a lot of time together whenever she was around. We cooked meals for each other, we ate out, shopped together, held hands, kissed a lot. We managed to keep it a secret from friends. There was a good chemistry between us in terms of physicality but I never felt emotionally attracted towards her. As years went by, she became more attached and in 2014, this one night I received a booty call from her at 3 am in the morning. She was drunk and started rambling. She said she was having a guilt feeling, she wanted to stop cheating on her significant other and pursue an exclusive relationship with me. She wanted to end her marriage and if I was ready then she would come to me. She added on saying everything about me feels so good and she could not deny the fact that she gets jealous whenever I talked about other girls or my ex. She was so drawn towards to me.

I knew she texts and communicates with other guys. I was absolutely okay with it and never felt jealous, as I do the same with my friends. I remember she told me back in 2014, there was a doctor who was hitting on her. She liked him too and they live in the same neighborhood. She always had her casual flings going on and I never had the time and interest to inquire about them. I got so confused that night. She became completely different the next morning, she started addressing me honey, sweet love and kept texting me every hour regarding my whereabouts, not included called me a few times too. I thought she was still in lala land after that night’s drunk call and it would soon phase out. But it did not, rather her feelings grew stronger, the frequency of her communication increased even after she left town and went back to her home and family in Sydney.

Almost every night except Saturdays and Sundays at around 3am my time she used to call me and we talked for a while/a few minutes sometimes, while she drove to work. I could not cut myself off from her. I could not delete her from her life. I was fresh out of my marriage then, I still did not recover, my emotional sanity and balance was not there. She made no difference and it just got unbearable.

I could never reach her when I was in the mood or needed some emotional comfort. My calls would go unreturned and my texts would go unreplied until she had the time and chance to communicate. There was a clear evidence of unequal power since the beginning and this only made me annoyed at times. Psychologically, it did not make me feel any better and I decided to peacefully to make a transition and stop it growing any further in the wrong direction. I could not take a high-way or run-for-the-hills approach with her. So, one night when she called, I explained her politely that was not possible for me, I still needed time and space to grown back mentally and emotionally. I offered her my sincere friendship to keep the damage control in check. She understood and stopped contacting me as frequent as she used to.

Well later on, I heard from one of her close friends Suzanna that she got caught being intimate with that doc and her marriage might fell apart. She was in trouble so I heard. Somehow, she managed to survive the storm back in 2015. That year when she again came to town, I completely avoided meeting her. I kept my phone switched off during bed time as I knew she would definitely make booty calls and would insist me on meeting up at her place or mine. I limited communicating with her through texts only. I just did not want to revert back to the old friend with benefits routine. That year she was here for a week. I kept deprecating myself to her for not being able to show up for some busy schedules I had to meet and she was hugely disappointed.

On 2nd Jan’17, her last text came at quarter to two, mentioning – bus leaves at 10pm, she has already booked my ticket. I did not reply. I did not show up at the New Year’s party either. It gave me a nostalgic vibe when I read the text, if I join her tonight (i.e. 2nd Jan), it will resurrect and I will have to go through a guilt trip afterwards for sure. I really was a ‘benefit’ to her life, but I do not enjoy it anymore, so I will let go.

One of her friends called me at around 5pm, again I didn’t answer. As her call gone unanswered she left me a quick message mentioning – please confirm. I wrote back to her – I am not going. After a while, Anna texted me mentioning – why? I replied – Sorry, I cannot go. This time she did not insist me on changing my mind through texting or calling endlessly, she understood, that it is ‘NO’.