Dear Mia:

In February 2015 you wrote that two years before that (2013), your mother told you that “she wanted to kill herself. We were talking on the phone and she hung up after saying that. the next few hours were horrible because I didn’t have contact with her but she came home safe. the thing is she pretends it never happened. I have only recalled it lately because I think I blocked it out being so painful a memory.

I’m very scared that she still feels this way. she is very volatile and I don’t trust her happy moods. I think there is always anger and sadness underneath. It’s hard to love her because she is very demanding of me. she often makes her happiness my responsibility. and I am a bad daughter ungrateful/cold/demanding/selfish etc etc if I can’t meet her needs. I am very anxious about her being angry or suicidal again.”

When you feel the pain for people you don’t know, hearing the news or imagining a plane crash (as you shared in previous threads)- you are really feeling your own pain, the great pain you felt as a child, the child that is still in you. But all that crying does not help you in the long run, because you need to cry for yourself.

You think it is the other people feeling the pain, and that you are feeling their pain, but it is your pain that is demanding your attention. It is you who have gone through tragedy.

If you are still in contact with your mother, your tragedy is not over yet.

Let me know if you want to communicate with me further on this.

anita

Dear Mia:

You started your thread with: “Hi. I’m 22 and lacking love. I don’t mean some kind of fireworks date night get married type of love I just mean little actions of care like hugs, someone holding my hand, someone checking in on me, people spending time with me just because.-

You long for love, you want love. The reason you don’t long for spending time with your mother over the holidays is because there is no love there. If there was love there, you would be longing for time with her.

Instead, you “actually feel sick and anxious” about it because she hurt you badly.

The love you need, desperate for, understandably, is not with your mother. This is clear. It is somewhere else, with another person, or other people. Is there another place you can consider spending some of the holidays, a place with less hurt, no hurt, even better. And some love?

anita

Dear Mia:

Maybe you desire love so intensely because you didn’t have enough of it, and so you are “making up for a lack”- just like you wrote.

Yes, there must be “still hurt in (yourself)… from (your) mum”- how can there not be…

How is your relationship with your father and siblings, presently and in the past?

In your original post you wrote: ” I am tired of being nice and kind and sweet to people”- when you spend the holidays with your family members, pay attention to NOT trying to be nice, kind and sweet. Instead, be authentic, don’t pretend. Don’t try to please them by appearing this way or that way.

Be true to yourself in private and in your interactions with people, be it family members and any other people.

Hope you post again.

anita

Dear Mia:

Welcome back to your own thread, Mia.

Imagine, if you will, that you are on a stage in a huge theatre with ten thousand adoring people, your audience, all happy to see you on stage, all excited to hear what you can tell them about you. Talking into an imaginary microphone, what will you tell your attentive, interested audience?

anita

Dear Mia:

What you want is very reasonable, not too much to ask. You do deserve to be listened to attentively, to be shown care and respect. In the context of this website, this forum, I will give you that attention and respect. Any time you post, I will respond attentively and respectfully, best I can.

anita

Dear Mia:

You are welcome. I understand being afraid to open up to people. A child, in its nature, is open to parents, so when a child is hurt by a parent, it hurts a whole lot. The child learns that people can and do inflict pain. As a consequence, the child shuts the door, closes all windows, so to prevent more hurt.

When the door is shut, the windows closed, protecting your heart, you prevent pain but you also suffer loneliness because we, as humans, need love in our lives. So what to do?

Open up- but carefully, slowly, cautiously. Find out: WHO is that person you are interacting with? Don’t open up right away. Learn who that person is, first. Is he or she empathetic and respectful? Or do they sometimes explode in anger? If they are empathetic and respectful but sometimes explode in anger, being abusive- do not open up to such a person. Abusive behavior is never acceptable, no matter how nice the person is in between instances of abuse.

So learn first, then, if the person is Safe, open up a bit. Pay attention to the response: did he or she listen to you attentively, shown some empathy; is the person treating you with respect? If the answer is yes, then open up a bit more. Also, ask him questions, is he/ she opening up to you?

It is a process, no rushing.

anita