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Lack of stability

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  • March 22, 2018 at 9:28 am #198803
    Christine
    Participant

    Hi I’m Christine I just really need to express some feelings I’m holding. I was hoping to get some advice if anyone has any. I have been moving since I was 19. I am now 24. I lived with my dad before moving out in our family home. He sold the house and moved into a condo with his girlfriend thats pretty small in size.

    Recently in the past 5 years I moved 3 different times renting 3 different rooms while earning my associates degree and working a job I felt comfortable at.

    Since September I’ve been living at a university in a dorm room. This would be the 4th move in 5 years. I am about an hour away from my old town. The semester is coming to an end so I have to move out from May- August. I’ve grown comfortable here. I have just been focusing on school. I found a best friend who I appreciate so much because I have been wanted a best friend for years but never really had one. I also met a guy that I truly love but he isn’t wanting a relationship in his life right now. He lives near my university and we have been together since I met him in September. He has taught me so many lessons and has allowed me to open myself to some traumas I’ve experienced with relationships and sexual connection. I understand why he came in my life. I know that it is only an in the moment situation but it is so scary because as much as I know this I am so sad to lose him. Since I won’t be living near here I won’t see him for 4 months and who knows what will happen next year because he is graduating this semester and talks about how he wants to travel.

    I thought I had a plan for the summer which was to live at my mothers house which is about 2 hours away in my old home town. Not the town I rented room from. I realized that this was going to be hard for me to do. I spent winter break and spring break at her home. I was triggered by emotional traumas and felt helpless. This town has so many emotional turmoil for me. I also have had a roller coaster ride of a relationship with my mother. She abandon me as a child. A couple years ago I started to have a relationship with her. We never really talked about the past or how she has hurt me. I thought I forgave it all and moved forward. I realize that subconsciously it comes out. Being abandon from your mother as a child has life long hurt. I know she’s really excited to have me for the summer. I haven’t talked to her yet about the fact that I may not be able to live there.

    I have actively been looking for a room to rent where I use to live. This area has grown comfortable for me. I have my grandmother there and other family. It’s an hour and a half away from my moms. I got clean from drugs here and started my life again. I got my associates degree there. I worked at a job there for over 3 years that I know I could most likely go back to for the summer. I really think this is the best option for me but I can’t find a room to rent for the 4 months. I’ve looked everyone on the internet. I’ve emailed about 8 places and got nothing back. I feel so scared about this period in my life coming.

    1. Being away from the life I’ve created here. The guy I really care about. It hurts to feel like it’s ending. I really don’t know if I can connect with someone like that again. I know it will be a while before I am with someone again if this ends.

    2. The working aspect. I really want to attract some money. I want to save this money so next year I can just focus on school again.

    3. I want to live somewhere that is not emotionally triggering and feels safe.

    I just feel so scared. I hate the lack of stability in my life. I feel like I get use to be somewhere and then I’m swept under. I also feel alone. I know I can count on myself and I only really have myself but it would be nice to feel a little more supported.

     

    Thank you for reading.

    If anyone has any advice please respond.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Christine.
    March 23, 2018 at 3:57 am #198921
    JonathanSeagull
    Participant

    Hi Christine,

    I’ll try and address your three ending points, as best as I can.

    As for the first point, well, I think it’s best you try and move on, if he’s made it explicit he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. You admitted it is only temporary. I’d cash in your chips, as hard as it’s going to be, and learn everything positive and negative that you can, and glean as much insight as you can from the experience.

    Maybe it isn’t too late for you to find a place near your old job that you can rent. It is only the end of March, after all. I think you still have time to either go with the plan you feel is your best option, but you also have time to explore alternatives.

    While I think it’s important to be able to confront emotional triggers, be they people or places, if you’re so uncomfortable about doing so now, I’d advise you try and avoid them until you’re ready to encounter them. Maybe try imagining, to the best of your ability, what life would honestly look like in these emotionally triggering environments, and whether four months in these areas will be as difficult as you suspect they will be. In fact, they may not be. You may be much more tolerant of them than you believe yourself to be. Don’t underestimate yourself.

    You sound like a pretty tough cookie, to be quite honest. Moving is stressful, the relationship with your mother has obviously been difficult for you, and school and other relationships are also very difficult to manage properly. Then to deal with all of this all at once? That’s hard, like seriously tough. But you’re doing it. You may not be very efficient at managing these things, at the moment, but you will develop. Make a list of priorities, from most pertinent and immediate to the relatively irrelevant and that which you can put off for a while. From your post, I’d say getting a handle on your temporary living situation should be the highest on your list; at least, it should be way up there.

    Have you talked about all of this with your new bestie? Is she supportive and insightful? She can probably provide you with much better advice than I’m capable of, at the moment, because she knows you and your possibilities much better than I do. At any rate, I hope something I’ve said might be helpful to you. Good luck with everything.

    March 23, 2018 at 5:52 am #198945
    Christine
    Participant

    Jonathan seagull,

    Your reply helped me in more ways then I can say. First of all I feel like someone really heard me and I needed that. I was in a panic state yesterday when I was writing this. A couple hours after I wrote this I had an idea. I’ve been looking for a room everyday, sending emails and picturing my “home” in my mind. I haven’t heard any replies from the area I had lived before. I said to myself,” why not look for a place around my college?”. I thought to myself it may not be a bad idea. I could get a job here and be close to the guy I’ve been seeing. I made sure that this decision wasn’t just about him because it needed to be for me. I went forward and emailed whatever looked like a possibility just like I had for the other town. I got at least 4 emails. I am seeing two places on Wednesday! I am beyond thrilled. I feel like the universe might be telling me I am suppose to stay here.

    I really loved when you said, “I’d cash in your chips, as hard as it’s going to be, and learn everything positive and negative that you can, and glean as much insight as you can from the experience.” Yesterday I was acting out of fear. It’s always a roller coaster with the living out of fear and living out of love. I want to live out of love and see this relationship for what it is. He has taught me a lot about myself and for that I’m so happy. It’s scary loosing someone you care for. I’ve lost many people which has caused me to act in such a fearful way. Probably a lot of it comes from the abandonment from my mom. I’m glad I’m becoming aware of this. I realize in life you can love many times and that can actually be a beautiful thing. People come in your life in that time for a reason. I truly believe. I must not force anyone to stay, someone else may need to come in.

    My new Bestie is amazing. Yesterday she reached out to me knowing I was feeling really stressed and we hangout last night. She helped me realigned myself. As I’m writing this I’m filled with overflowing gratitude. For one, I had no friends and she came in my life at the perfect time. I realize the Universe has always had my back even when times were extremely challenging. Its important that in this period of time I trust. I trust in the Universe and I trust in myself. Sometimes knowing that you have to count on yourself all the time can be scary.  My inner child screams for a parent to “save me”. I finally completely realize what it means to take responsibility of yourself. In a sense this means take care of yourself. Trust yourself. That’s a huge one.

    Thank you much love,

    Christine

    March 23, 2018 at 8:13 am #198963
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Christine:

    I hope the member who answered you will be back to your thread (your last reply did not reflect under Topics, so he may not be aware that you replied).

    A pleasure reading your last post. Reads to me like a good choice- changes are difficult, especially for an anxious person, and so, it is better to not change everything at once, but keep some things the same. In this case, you keep the location the same, the proximity to your friend the same. Excellent.

    anita

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