He was someone I really liked and never thought I would end up with. We were friends, went on a date late last year, it didn’t work out. We remained friendly, even though I was hurting. I moved on. Things were good. A few months later, we hung out one night. No strings, we were still friends and I was fine with the one night; my emotions and feelings are still in check. A few more months later, we happen to meet up and he seems ready and completely different then the other times; really into me, wanting to see me everyday, it was amazing. There was chemistry, laughter, comfortable silence. We were together, and I was extremely happy and in such a good place. We made plans for the future… HE made plans for the future. We went on a weekend getaway and spent time with one of his old friends. Again, an unbelievable and amazing weekend filled with laughter, fun, chemistry and love… for me anyways. When we returned (We both have our own places) he barely spoke to me the next 3 days and we did’t see each other at all. I knew something was going on, just thought that maybe I was too clingy at some point and he was getting scared again. nope. An old “someone”  that he thought he was done with came back into his life and “the feelings came rushing back”. 3 days after our amazing weekend, on the 4th of July, he does the “it’s not you it’s me” speech through a text message. Talk about devastated. If his feelings for this someone are that strong, it’s better off that he isn’t with me. I know this. I know I will move on. It does not make the pain any less. The feeling of wanting to vomit when I think of him, or the idea of curling up into a ball in my shower so I can cry is still so strong. Our whirlwind romance is set on replay all day, every day and I analyze each moment wondering if I could have done something differently. I honestly should have known better based on the very first date we had, but when you get caught up in the happy and the good feelings of actually getting to be with a crush, common sense tends to find a small corner in your brain and hide. I replace the negative thoughts with positive ones immediately; I talk out loud while driving using a mix of positive affirmations and bad words; I am angry, hurt and a little embarrassed. If he came back, I would welcome him. The feelings of being happy, wanted and content are addicting. I know better than to let someone have control of my emotions, but I know that I will move on and heal faster if I acknowledge the anger, hate,  hurt and pain. At some point I’ll delete our old messages… It’s a process I’ve tried to hurry along with unhealthy coping skills; it doesn’t work. Today was better than yesterday, tomorrow will be better than today.