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Keeping secrets in relationship

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • October 23, 2018 at 3:58 am #232713
    mallllh
    Participant

    So me and my boyfriend have been together basically a year and a half. Our relationship has been nothing but ups and downs at the beginning because of personal problems early on in the relationship. We broke up twice earlier this year for around 3 weeks in march. We had both taken a trip to Cuba while we were still not back together but still talking some. He ask me if I had hooked up with anyone when I got back and I said no but I actually did. I felt like it wasn’t really his place to know considering we weren’t together and it would only hurt him cause it meant absolutely nothing, but now since over coming all our problems our relationship he never been better and we get along so good. But it’s all coming back to haunt me now, it’s like my mind wants something to make me feel shit about myself for. I don’t know if I should keep it to myself or tell him, even though it was a year ago and we weren’t together.(also i had just told him about how I hooked up with someone 2 months into our relationship while way too drunk) but he forgave me because he knows how badly he treated me.  I need help cause I’m thinking about it all day everyday which is stupid. Because he keeps saying he wants to keep moving forward in our relationship because he didn’t treat me right before but how he does.

    October 23, 2018 at 10:19 am #232757
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear malllh:

    On your thread from May of this year, right after you returned from Cuba, you wrote that you asked him if he hooked up with anyone in Cuba, he said no and a fight ensued. Now you want to tell him that you hooked up with someone while on that trip even though “it would  only hurt him”.

    In your first thread you shared that he suffers from anxiety and so do you, and that you repeatedly lashed out at him. You wrote there: “I’m going to try and control lashing out at the little things because it causes unnecessary fighting”.

    Please think of his well-being. Don’t hurt him unnecessarily. Don’t tell him something that will not benefit him whatsoever and will only hurt him. And don’t lash out at him, don’t fight with him.

    If you are not satisfied with the relationship, if you can’t control your behavior in the context of the relationship, then kindly end it and set him free. Set yourself free.

    anita

     

    October 23, 2018 at 10:36 am #232765
    RebirthandRestart2018
    Participant

    Hi Mallllh,

    I agree with anita. You said the facts yourself surrounding the ‘hook up’. You weren’t together at that time and it was a year ago it took place. Dragging this up now to him will cause nothing short of resentment and loss of trust that you have both began to rebuild.

    It sounds like you want to rid yourself of the guilt you’re feeling by being open and honest with him, however in this case, it is better to try to move forwards and not look back, if you want this relationship to continue progressing. You can find ways to forgive yourself if this is what you feel you need to do in order for it to feel heavy on you. But in your own words again, you weren’t together and it took place a while ago. It is the present that matters now if that it what you truly want.

    October 23, 2018 at 12:47 pm #232791
    mallllh
    Participant

    I agree with you both 100%! The thing is, my boyfriend is the most forgiving person, when I told him about my drunk mistake he said everyone makes mistakes and he knows how hard our relationship was for a bit. I’m just worried that if I keep it in and don’t tell him it will come back in a few years and I feel like being honest now is better then later. I just want the guilt to go away, because he deserves the world

    October 24, 2018 at 8:21 am #232965
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear malllh:

    If your boyfriend “deserves the world”, give him your loyalty, your kindness, do not behave aggressively toward him. Let him have safety in the relationship with you. Make sure that there are no future drunk mistakes. Resolve your guilt elsewhere. You can express it here. If psychotherapy is possible for you, express it there, get help there.

    anita

    October 24, 2018 at 8:58 am #232979
    Feathering my nest
    Participant

    I agree that the relationship is not an appropriate place for you to resolve the guilt you feel.

     

    xx

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